Based on a series of plausible events in a regional Victorian town

Beginning this week’s story with the same crap I said last year:

Well friends, here we are at Derby Day, what used to be the greatest day of the Australian racing calendar, and while Melbourne Cup Day traditionally has the most meetings across the nation, Derby Day is eternally the higher quality day, by virtue of the entire card being Group races, capped off by what is now 3 Group 1s after the Cantala Stakes was moved to Stakes Day in 2022; The stallion-making and breaking Coolmore Stud Stakes, the Empire Rose Stakes, and the 168th running of the Victoria Derby, and the sad part is this year, after 155 years, we don’t have the Archer Stakes to decide the 24th and final runner of the Melbourne Cup before the barrier draw in the afternoon, although they’ll be lucky to get 24 runners with how many horses are getting wiped out by the Racing Victoria vets.

Last year we also saw that the Group 2 Linlithgow Stakes was renamed The Damien Oliver, which I initially assumed was just a one off for Ollie’s retirement Cup Carnival, but that change is going to stick for now, while Channel 9 will get their chance to ruin the Melbourne Cup after taking over from Channel 10’s botched 5-year stint with the Melbourne Cup Carnival, which was so terrible I actually forgot who was broadcasting the Melbourne Cup Carnival this year, simply because I knew Channel 10 were so shit that they didn’t want any part of it.

Other highlights on the great day of racing include the alternative big race north of Wodonga, the Golden Eagle for the 4YOs at Rosehill worth a few kajillion dollars, plus a couple of other sprint races for the horses not good enough to win the Everest (The Russell Balding Stakes) and much to my disappointment, Racing NSW still can’t be arsed using the Steve Miller Band, or even Ross Wilson of Daddy Cool, to promote a race named after an Eagle.

And with Morphetville moving their interesting races to Melbourne Cup Day, we’ll all be fishing up our arses at Ascot, which is in Belmont, it’s the Group 3 double of the Prince Of Wales Stakes and the Asian Beau Stakes, and not many people know that Asian Beau has held the Australian record over 1450m since December of 1978…

The obvious reason being that no sane race club will run a race over 1450m when 1400m will do.

So it’s on to Crazy Craig, and forget about Via Sistina shitting in the Cox Plate, how about Crazy Craig plucking out Double Market in Race 4 at the Valley… WHAT A WIN, but that’s what happens when you have LUCKY LIPS!

P(r)ick No.1: Growing Empire (No.1, Barrier 9) in the Coolmore Stud Stakes at Flemington (MR6), 3:40pm AEDT

1200m 3YO Group 1 Coolmore Stud Stakes

Trainer: Ciaron Maher, Jockey: Mark Zahra, 57kg

Hello hello folks, it’s Crazy Craig TBFB, Scratchie King of Bairnsdale, back for another rip-snorting edition of DERBY DAY, aka punting Christmas Day, and I was a bit disappointed to hear that the old Hotham Handicap isn’t being run on Derby Day for the first time since 1868, a run that is somehow older than Jimmy Carter, although it should be noted that only 2 horses had completed the Hotham-Melbourne Cup double in the last 50 years (Brew 2000, Shocking 2009), and of course it is my favourite fact in the history of Australian racing that the Hotham Handicap of 1956 produced the first recorded triple dead-heat photo finish in Australian racing… Fighting Force, Ark Royal and Pandie Sun!

Of course, with the Hotham being a ballot exemption race, all of them got starts in the Melbourne Cup, but none of them threatened Evening Peal.

So yes, what is Derby Day without the Hotham to decide the thrilling 24th and final spot in the Cup… then again, we probably won’t get 24 runners this year with how many horses are getting rubbed out by the vets, or just can’t be arsed running, like Via Sistina!

Also, speaking of vets, I had to drive Crazy Colin to the doctor this week, because the vet was out of town, and the Doc did a physical test on our mad mate, and about 5 minutes later he came back and said Colin was LAME…

To which I replied “I know he’s lame, but how is he physically!”

Anyway, I’d think Growing Empire will be the opposite of lame in the Coolmore, because his last 4 starts have been absolutely tremendous – A superb win in the McNeil Stakes at Caulfield, superb win in the Poseidon at Flemington, spectacularly nutted on the line by Southport Tycoon in the Manikato at Moonee Valley, then a big 3rd in The Everest a fortnight ago!

That is superb from for a stallion-making race like the Coolmore Stud Stakes, and this will absolutely be his Grand Final no matter what happens…

As for Switzerland, I’m pretty neutral about him.

P(r)ick No.2 but is actually running at No.1: Pippie Beach (No.10, Barrier 2) in Race 2 at Rosehill (SR2), 12:45pm AEDT

1300m F&M BM78 Handicap

Trainer: Chris Waller, Jockey: Joao Moreira, 57kg

Pippie Beach, far away in time!
Pippie Beach, far away in time!
Pippie Beach, far away in time!
Pippie Beach, far away in time!

The Madonna P(r)ick: Live To Tell (No.1, Barrier 14) E/W in Race 9 at Ascot (PR9), 5:34pm AWST

1200m 66+ Rating Mrs Mac’s Handicap

Trainer: Simon Miller, Jockey: Luke Campbell (a1.5kg), 61kg

You’re probably wondering at this point – Crazy Craig, why the hell are you picking a horse that’s got topweight at 61 kilos, down to 59.5 after the claim, and is jumping from the Swan River, but is crucially 3rd Up?

Well, because I’m a lunatic, you FOOLS!

Anyway, here’s the greatest selling female artist of all-time, and that’s a damn fact, MADONNA!

Crazy Craig’s Crazy Crappy Group 1 Value Picks

VRC Derby: No.2 Red Aces E/W… I See Red, I See Red, I See Red… Aces!

Empire Rose Stakes: No.7 Alsephina E/W

Golden Eagle: No.13 Craig E/W…. because of course

Deadset, if any of those win, you should all give up punting.

Enjoy your Saturday folks, STAY DRY, stay safe, stay negative, KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, and remember, I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me Craaaaaazy Craig!