Based on a series of plausible events in a regional Victorian town

That’s right friends, weirdos and people I’ve never met, it’s the first Tuesday of November, and the time has arrived for the 164th Melbourne Cup, the race that apparently once stopped the nation, only because it was 1930, Phar Lap was bigger than Bradman, and everyone was unemployed because of the Great Depression.

Of course, this year marks 20 years since the race was run on a day that featured a sudden massive Melbourne downpour, and through it all Makybe Diva, with Glen Boss hugging the inside lane that everyone had shied away from, duelled the great Vinnie Roe and triumphed by a length, becoming the first mare to win consecutive Melbourne Cups, and the first horse since Think Big in 1974-75 to win consecutive Melbourne Cups.

Now, it’s a scientific fact that 90% of people usually only give a crap about the Melbourne Cup on Cup Day, and you instantly realise that these people are your classic TAB nuffies, because there’s about 4000 races nationwide on Tuesday to strike pay dirt in, the highlights being The Big Dance at Randwick, the John Letts Cup at Morphetville and the Burgess Queen at Ascot, and chances are you can get a winner in at least 2 of the said 4000 races.

So given this is the biggest day of the year, I’ve once again solicited advice from the three plausible characters who have disgraced themselves in the Pick of the Day over recent years – ‘Crazy’ Craig and his mad mate Crazy Colin from Eastern Victoria, plus ‘The Cheetah’ from Coolangatta, an associate of myself, Mr Alfonse and various other respected gentlemen, and we’ve organised a special one-off Crazy Picks of the Day, and the word I’ve received from Mr Alfonse is that the Crazies have simply given up predicting Cup winners, and are instead looking to hire Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor to fire a dart at a board and picking whatever saddlecloth number it lands on.

Of course, I won’t be providing a Melbourne Cup winning tip for the simple fact that my record with the Cup is more appalling than Fremantle’s attempts at winning a premiership, with my last successful bet on the Cup coming with Tiger Moth getting a place in 2020, so that said, the Crazies did fire a dart at the board this morning, and it came up with Double 12, so this year’s Crazy Melbourne Cup place bet is…

Okita Soushi.

51 kilos, Barrier 10, vastly better form than last year, trained by the wizard Ciaron Maher, Derby winner Jamie Kah in the saddle, and he will be coming home like a bullet train at the Clock Tower, as he seeks to do the first MV Gold Cup-Melbourne Cup double since Kingston Rule set the course record in 1990.

In fact, with the Archer being moved forward 2 months, the only runner from Derby Day to back up in the Melbourne Cup is Zardozi for James Cummings… of course it’d be a Cummings that runs a horse on Derby Day and Cup Day.

Now that said, here’s the Crazy Gang with their Picks for Cup Day!

Crazy Craig’s P(r)ick of the Day: Warnie (No.12, Barrier 4) in Race 10 at Flemington (MR10), 5:15pm AEDT

1400 BM90 Channel 9 Trophy

Trainer: Ciaron Maher, Jockey: Ethan Brown, 57kg

Hello hello to everybody, it’s Craaazy Craig, TBFB, Scratchie King of Bairnsdale, and what a magnificent day of racing we have ahead of us, the first Tuesday of November, Melbourne Cup Day, a day that used to mean so much to the alcoholics of Australia, as we stopped doing whatever we were doing at somewhere between 12/1/2/3 in the afternoon and listened to Bill Collins call the Melbourne Cup from Flemington.

Now it’s only the alcoholics of Victoria who get to reap the benefits!

Once again, it’s all Dan Andrews’ fault!

Anyway, if you were expecting something big from me today, then you’ve obviously missed the turnoff to Racing.com, because I’m not the bloke to listen to when it comes to a Cup pick, so I’ll start planning ahead by preparing to chase my arse before the Cup has even been run, and I think we’ll go to the lucky last race on the card, and we’ve got a horse named after the greatest modern day Australian sportsman of our age…

No it’s not Jessica Fox, it’s WARNIE!

Yes, who’d have thought it, an Irish import named after Shane Keith Warne, which can only mean the Irish are big fans of what Warnie inflicted on English batsmen for 14 years on end, and SKW looked pretty good on his local debut last month by winning a Benchmark 78, and he goes up to 1400m with the jump in grade off a month’s break, he’s got a weight advantage on the others, which looks fairly promising on paper, and just imagine the scenes if he wins…

The last race of the day at Flemington, and the baying VICTORIAN crowd fires up a massive WARNIE chant like the idiots at Bay 13!

WARNIE, WARNIE, WARNIE!

And how appropriate that the sponsor for the race is Channel 9.

The Cheetah’s Willing Selection: Mr Waterville (No.4, Barrier 2) E/W in Race 5 at Flemington (MR7), 1:20pm AEDT

2800m BM96 Australian Heritage Cup

Trainer: Chris Waller, Jockey: James McDonald, 56kg

Gday folks, Cheetah here, writing in and letting you know it’s solid to be back after a long absence, in which I was very willing to do other things up here in sunny Queensland, such as providing character references for blokes going for jobs.

Now, ahead of this big day, my mate was phone to Chris Waller the other day to ask about a horse he had in the pre-Cup card at Flemington.

So I called my mate yesterday, and I asked what Chris said about the horse.

My mate replied:

“Can win.”

There you go – Enjoy your Tuesday folks, Cheetah signing off, and good punting to you all.

Crazy Colin, Esquire: Passeggiata (No.11, Barrier 9) E/W in Race 9 at Randwick (SR9), 5:30pm AEDT

1000m BM84 Handicap

Trainer: Bjorn Baker, Jockey: Dylan Gibbons, 55kg

“I’m not providing a comment until Crazy Craig gives me back that carton of Carlton Draught that he f***in’ stole from me the other day… he claims it was repayment for the beers I took from his fridge, AN EYE FOR AN EYE, CRAIG YOU TOSSER!“

On another note, hey Col Hodges, who’s the trainer of Passeggiata?

Yes, you didn’t know that despite being a New Zealander, Bjorn Baker was a 5-time Wimbledon champion and a 6-time French Open champion.

The ‘Save Our Arses Pikey’ Pick: Processio (No.13, Barrier 8) in Race 9 at Ascot (PR9), 5:10pm AWST (8:10)

1400m 54+ Rating Handicap

Trainer: Grant & Alana Williams, Jockey: William Pike, 56kg

Enjoy your Tuesday folks, STAY DRY, stay safe, stay negative, KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, this has been Crazy Craig and Crazy Colin saying… don’t steal your mates’ beer and GAMBLE RESPONSIBLY AT ALL TIMES.