Based on a series of plausible events in a regional Victorian town

And there we were all in one place, a generation getting ready to piss away one of the great days of the Australian turf, the Caulfield Cup, the most prestigious and richest 2400m handicap in Australia, in which second and third-rate imports from Britain and Ireland prepare to absolutely wipe the floor with our fourth-rate locally-bred stayers, although one of them won’t be Sir Delius.

And completing the Super Saturday double, Randwick plays host to one of the great egalitarian races of Australian society…

The Kosciuszko.

There’s also the Group 1 Everest, the world’s richest turf race that got some star quality with Ya King Rising flying in with David Hayes from Hong Kong, and with The Everest getting Group 1 status last year it is easy to forget that there’s now a FOURTH Group 1 on Saturday, with the third being the King Charles III Stakes, which was the old George Main Stakes run a few weeks before the Epsom Handicap (In fact it was a ballot exemption race for the Epsom), but was moved from 2023 to entice horses that would’ve otherwise tackled a Group 1 in Melbourne…

And as of this year, the Thousand Guineas has been moved for what must be the third time in four years – It was back to the middle Wednesday in 2021-22 (Where it was from 1988 to 2013) after being moved to Caulfield Guineas day in 2014, then got switched to mid-November in 2023 so Racing Victoria could get Group 1 racing after the Melbourne Cup Carnival, and now it’s on Caulfield Cup Day for the first time since 1987, when Bianco Flyer (Ridden by Michael Clarke’s elder brother Gary Clarke) led in a Colin Hayes-Clarke brothers quinella with Midnight Fever (Ridden by Michael), also knocking off future Caulfield Cup winner Imposera.

Other highlights of Saturday racing around the nation include the Hill Smith Stakes at Morphetville, which might feature a crow-eating raider that’ll go on to run at big odds in the Victoria Derby or Oaks, and another highlight is the Group 3 Eurythmic Stakes at Ascot, a race named after the horse that won the 1920 Caulfield Cup, and this was the race that used to be the Northerly Stakes between 2005 until 2021, but once the Group 1 Kingston Town Classic was renamed the Northerly Stakes in 2022, RWWA renamed the race after another WA horse to win the Caulfield Cup.

So it’s on to Crazy Craig, and what a success last week turned out to be… an omen bet turned out to be an omen as Point Barrow came from the heavens to win at Caulfield, and funnily enough, you know whose birthday it was on Tuesday?

None other than Mr Lucky Lips himself, Sir Cliff Richard!

85 years old, and God still isn’t ready to meet his biggest fan.

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P(r)ick No.1: After Summer (No.5, Barrier 1) in Race 3 at Caulfield (MR3), 1:25pm AEDT

2000m Group 3 Ethereal Stakes

Trainer: Dominic Sutton, Jockey: Billy Egan, 56kg

Hello hello folks it’s Craaaaaazy Craig, TBFB, Scratchie King of Bairnsdale, and my goodness me knackers, and repeating what I said last year what a weekend we have in store, and what a great celebration of racing we have in store, as Randwick sees at least 12 grown men pay several million dollars for the privilege of paying several million dollars in tax, and at Caulfield, very much the same thing, only they’re paying six figures in entry fees to get a golden cup to compensate their donation to the ATO!

You’d expect with the amount of money these blokes are paying in tax on winnings that we’d get something decent back as a general populace… instead we can’t even get anything decent on the ABC on a Monday night!

WHERE ARE CHRIS MASTERS AND KERRY O’BRIEN WHEN WE NEED THEM!

Actually, I’ll tell you where they are – Ariarne Titmus took a page out of their bloody books, because they’re RETIRED.

Anyway, the big question of Caulfield Cup Day, or Everest Day depending on what language of Australian you speak…

Can AFTER SUMMER win BEFORE SUMMER?

P(r)ick No.2: Private Eye (No.2, Barrier 9) in Race 8 at Caulfield (MR8), 4:30pm AEDT

1400m Group 3 WFA Moonga Stakes

Trainer: Joe Pride, Jockey: Nash Rawiller, 59kg

What a brilliant newspaper Private Eye is… in fact, the editor Ian Hislop cracked the Guinness World Records as the most sued man in British legal history!

Crazy Crappy Group 1 Picks

Thousand Guineas: Barring a miracle Apocalyptic will be winning

The Everest: Ya King Rising as David Hayes returns to Australia to give the Sydney trainers the finger for old time’s sake, and we’ll give the world’s best sprinter the Phar Lap treatment after he wins, and by that I mean claiming he’s an Australian… despite the fact that he’s Kiwi bred, trained by an Australian, and racing in Hong Kong.

Caulfield Cup: Just for a laugh we’ll take Golden Chance… Japanese horse from Japan so probably has better breeding than this lot of shitkickers

King Charles III Stakes: I had picked Pericles in the Epsom as some kind of Hyacinth Bucket tribute and he ran 3rd, so bugger it let’s go again as a value selection

Enjoy your SATURDAY folks, stay safe, stay negative, KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, and remember, I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me Craaaaaazy Craig!