Based on a series of plausible events in a regional Victorian town

After several weeks in hibernation, most of which were spent drinking and abusing overpaid, unskilled cricketers from England, hello to all people who have arrived in the year 2026, it’s time for the almighty piss up of colour that is the Magic Millions weekend on the Gold Coast, and I think they call it the Magic Millions because millions of dollars magically disappear buying hundreds of yearlings that mostly end up being shithouse.

Still, there are plenty of Magic Millions success stories that were bought at reasonable prices, one of them being Winx in 2013 for a measly $230,000 (Going on to earn $26.4m AUD), and another was named after a random winery just outside of Margaret River, and that was none other than Pierro, named as such because Mr Kolivos just happened to be drinking a bottle of Pierro when he bought him as a yearling… of course, Pierro won the 2YO Triple Crown in 2012 and finished unbeaten as a juvenile horse, and his stud career has made him worth more than a Pacific Island nation’s GDP.

Other less important races today include the Miss Andretti Stakes at Ascot, named after a course record holder at Royal Ascot, there’s the Group 3 Standish Handicap up the Straight Six at Flemington, and some random twilight racing at Cranbourne.

So it’s on to Crazy Craig, even after deciding that his New Year’s resolution would be that the horses could “Go and get stuffed”… turns out he was referring to that Saturday of racing.

Speaking of high notes, here’s Cliff Richard with Lucky Lips!

P(r)ick No.1: Maharba (No.1, Barrier 2) E/W in Race 8 at Flemington (MR8), 4:35pm AEDT

1200m Group 3 Standish Handicap

Trainer: Grahame Begg, Jockey: Jordan Childs, 60kg

Happy New Year to you all it’s Craaaazy Craig TBFB, Scratchie King of Bairnsdale, and after CIRCLING THE DRAIN with some deadset Springtime shit last year, I’m coming back on a HIGH this year, because it’s MAGIC MILLIONS weekend and I thought it was a much better starting point than the dross racing I saw getting dished up last weekend!

You know why I thought that?

BECAUSE NOBODY BLOODY REMEMBERS LAST WEEKEND’S RACING!

But, are they going to remember this week’s racing?

ABSOLUTELY!

Now, on to the feature races of the weekend, and I’ll start 2026 with an old Muppets favourite, which I randomly started singing when I saw the name of the nag I wanted to pick for the Standish….

Maharba
Do doo be-do-do!
Maharba!
Do do-do do
Maharba!
Do doo de-do-do de-do-do de-do-do de-do-do-doodle do do do-doo do!

Of course, given we just had The Ashes, you can also enjoy David ‘Bumble’ Lloyd’s version of Mahna Mahna, named in recognition of South Australian character Graham Manou!

The Lulu Pick: Yes Lulu (No.4, Barrier 11) E/W in Race 4 at the Gold Coast (BR4), 4:05pm AEST (5:05 AEDT)

1300m Fillies & Mares Magic Millions 3YO & 4YO Rising Stars

Trainers: Ciaron Maher, Jockey: Tommy Berry, 58.5kg

You know what seeing a horse named Yes Lulu makes me want to do?

She makes me want to SHOUT!
Kick my heels up and SHOUT!
Throw my hands up and SHOUT!
Throw my head back and SHOUT!
Come on now SHOUT!
Don’t forget to say you will
Don’t forget to say, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Another wildly true fact about that Isley Brothers cover – Lulu was 15 when it was recorded, and it went on to reach No.7 on the UK Charts in 1964, then she went on to record the theme to To Sir with Love when she was 19, which reached No.1 in the US and was the best-selling single of 1967 in the US, and 2 years after that won Eurovision with Boom Bang-a-Bang.

So yes, there’s a true tale of music – Lulu is/was younger than the likes of Dolly Parton, Sir Elton John and David Bowie.

Enjoy your New Year folks, stay safe, stay negative, KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, ESPECIALLY YOU VICTORIANS STARING DOWN THE FIRES, and remember, I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me Craaaaaazy Craig!