The AFL Review: Round 4, 2019

Between having to watch Dermie dress up as Khal Drogo and looking more like a naked Rasputin, the repeated inexcusable clangers and my tipping copping another drubbing, this was a fairly forgettable round.

Still: Fox Footy

Ra Ra, Dermie B, footy’s greatest laugh machine, they dressed him up and said you look fine!

Anyway, cultural reference flaws notwithstanding, here’s what happened in Round 4.

Melbourne (15.10-100) defeated Sydney (11.12-78) @ The SCG

The battle to decide which Jones brother is more loved by their family, and which formline was worse- Melbourne at playing football, or Sydney at the SCG.

And in a unanimous vote by the judges, Nathan Jones is the better Jones brother, and the Swannies are floating down the creek, making it 6 losses from their last 7 games at the SCG, their worst run since 2000.

After hearing Braydon Preuss was into the Demons team, here’s a gag I didn’t fit in the Useless Preview:

Season 6, Episode 18

What a night Preussy had, kicking 2 goals in the first quarter, going off the ground with a shoulder injury, (Which coincided with the Swans poleaxing the Dees), and then managing to come back on and play out the game, and it surely wasn’t a coincidence that after he came back on, the Dees began running over the top of the Swans to ultimately win.

One of the big stats bandied about was that between his time with Hawthorn and Melbourne, Buddy had played 15 times against the Dees for a perfect 15-0 record.

Reminds me of another premiership Hawk in Brent Guerra, who played for 3 different teams (Port, St Kilda & Hawthorn) against Carlton, and ended his career with a 15-0 record against the Blues.


Well done to Melbourne, who responded fantastically to me naming them the Lol Of The Year after only 3 games.

At this rate, the Swans will be joining the Sky Blues and moving games away from the SCG, not because of the surface, but because they can’t win there.

Collingwood (11.12-78) defeated Western Bulldogs (9.10-64) @ The MCG

“Grundy may be a good footballer but tonight he was definitely an English teacher.” –/u/BFGSkittles

This was a game that was played between two teams, and was won by the team with the higher score.

During the game, there ‘were’ a grand total of 66 ‘hitouts’- Brodie Grundy won 60 of them, which according to Swamp, is some sort of record:

In a game not filled with not many great moments, the greatest was easily Hayden Crozier once again reminding everyone that he can sit on people’s heads, by sitting on Jamie Elliott’s head with a hanger.

And if anyone remembers, that’s not even his best leap!

And then, as if providing the epitome of the skills during the game, Crozier kicked it into the centre square to Eastern Wood, who was caught holding the ball, and from the free, Collingwood kicked it forward to Elliott, who not 30 seconds earlier was being posterised by Crozier… and proceeded to shank his kick out on the full.

And then there was so, like Brody Mihocek being reported for an ear massage, Mason Cox being paid a mark when Crozier (The man in front) touched it, and last but not least when Sam Lloyd had a shot on goal in the 2nd quarter that Aaron ‘The Anti-Virus’ Naughton attempted to mark, which Luke Beveridge thought was certain was a goal.

Lol. (Still: Channel 7/AFL)


Regardless, the Dogs did retake the lead and looked half a chance of threatening an upset and handing Collingwood my LOL of the week, but the Pies fought back.

With 6 minutes to go, Bristle declared that he felt that there was one goal left in the game, as the Pies led by 3 points.

He was almost correct, as the Pies kicked the next goal.

And then the next goal 90 seconds later.

And then the Dogs kicked another goal.

And then the Pies kicked the last goal.

Bloody disappointing for Chris Mayne, who was supposed to celebrate his 200th game, but wound up copping a hit to the back 5 minutes in, finishing off his night and leaving him in major pain and a small fracture to a bone in his back.

When many people thought about Mayney getting carried off of the MCG, into an ambulance and off to the Epworth wasn’t the expected end to the sentence.

Did I mention there were marks?

GWS (11.13-79) defeated Geelong (11.9-75) @ GMHBA Stadium

21 points down at the half, your Captain gone with an ACL tear, and you’re playing against an unbeaten team on the road at a ground you’ve never won at.

As much as I want to bag the Handbaggers for losing, that was a massive win for the Giants.

The Jeremies were a little down on last week but still combined for 6 goals, the orange wave of Whitfield, Coniglio, Hopper, Kelly and Tim ‘Quentin’ Taranto were superb,

Also throw in Harry Himmelberg, whose leap and crashing defensive mark in the 4th quarter more closely resembled the Hindenburg.

Meanwhile, Matt De Boer has cemented his position as the #1 cause of hits behind the ball, as Patrick Dangerfield swatted the Flying Dutchman behind the play, on his way to getting tagged out of the 2nd half (Finished with 17 disposals compared to De Boer’s 15).

Getting a pair of Brownlow Medalists to belt you off 500 miles off the ball.. now that’s a damn fine tagging job.

In fact, if any Cats players actually played after half time, I certainly didn’t notice them, because they were continually hitting Giants players on the chest.

I’d say congratulations to any Giants fans in Australia… but for the life of me, I don’t know if any of them exist aside from my cousin.

Essendon (17.10-112) defeated Brisbane (9.11-65) @ The MCG

Up The Planes!

The Dons have proved your day is much better when a Hooker joins the party.

Cale Hooker that is, who returned from injury and joined up with Michael Hurley and destroyed Brisbane’s forward line, as the Dons kicked 6 of the first 7 goals, led 72 to 23 at the half, and they looked like they wanted that old sponsorship with the TAC again, because their speed off halfback killed the Lions.

A fortnight ago, I thought that little ‘Tippa’, Anthony McDonald-Tipungwuti, was in line to get dropped from the Dons team after two quiet games- although he was probably never a chance in reality.

He followed up his 4 goals against Melbourne by giving the Lions a ball-tearing, with 20 disposals and 7.1, at an average of 3.5 goals per surname.

In all, the biggest impact by a Lions player on the game was Eric Hipwood, who followed up his 6-goal performance against the Power by once again causing major damage with his left foot.

Only that it was to David Myers’ face, leaving him somewhat bloodied.

Somewhat painful. (Still: Fox Footy)

Like the fella once said, ain’t that a kick in the head.

Much like Brisbane’s last attempt at a Fourpeat back in 2004, they’ve come up a game short and been belted at the MCG.

In these dark times, we must read a verse from the Faganism Bible- help us, oh Brother Captainfizzlefits!

Richmond (15.9-99) defeated Port Adelaide (14.8-92)

Shane Edwards to an injured Trent Cotchin after the game:

Now that Richmond have cleaned out the dead weight of Cotchin, Dustin Martin, Jack Riewoldt and Alex Rance, and brought in the likes of Josh Caddy, Shai Bolton and Jack Ross, who I only found out existed at 2:30 yesterday afternoon, they’ve gone from Bottom 4 candidates to Finals contender in the space of one game.

Can’t forget to mention the two man band of TIGER TOM LYNCH and Dylan Grimes, or Grimey as he likes to be called- Lynch absolutely dominated with half a dozen goals, and Grimes was like a magnet to the ball in the final quarter, marking everything in his path in a final quarter performance that was like Kouta in the ’99 Prelim and Nick Davis in the ’05 Semi Final COMBINED.

With 2:13 to go, first-year Port player Xavier Duursma pulled down a massive mark in the pack to have a shot to put the Pear back in front, though unfortunately, his kick made him look more like Xavier Deerpsma, spraying it badly, and Richmond eventually got it forward down the throat of Lynch, who slotted his 6th goal to seal the win.

Port now fall to 2-2, and they haven’t won either game since Jack Watts went down with his broken ankle. Coincidence? I think NOT!

A detailed list of travelling teams who have lost at the Adelaide Oval this year: Carlton.

North Melbourne (9.17-71) defeated Adelaide (8.11-59) @ Marvel Stadium

Ben Brown, sending the reputation of Tasmanians flailing even lower than before.

THANKS TO /U/SNATCHDEADS (Footage: Channel 7)

I’d like to hear 2008 Beijing Olympics 10m Diving Gold Medalist Matthew Mitcham’s thoughts on that performance, because it looked like Brown failed to tuck on landing and was uncontrolled throughout the dive.

It may be good for a Bronze in Tokyo, but on a footy field, it’s just not cricket.

Anyway, North destroyed the Crows in the 2nd half, and when you look at the scoreboard and the stats without viewing the game, you’d be absolutely spot on in thinking North should’ve won by more.


You know what could turn around the Crows’ season? A bit of Collective Minds!

The Dancing Crabs are still alive!

The RAC Demolition Derby- West Coast (10.9-69) defeated Fremantle (7.14-56) @ Optus Stadium

Word of advice: Over here, we pronounce the game as the ‘Durby’- Although after last night, it was better off being called a Derpy.

It was a tough ask for Fremantle, but they dug deep and managed to beat the Eagles at their own game!

By winning the free kick count, 19-12.

Some Freo fans would’ve felt a sense of dread before last night, and afterwards it would probably have turned into a mixture of hope and annoyance, because the Dockers without a shadow of a doubt kicked themselves out of their best chance of winning a Derby in 4 years with some ball skills that wouldn’t even cut it at Peel Thunder.

5 behinds compared to 5.1 for the Eagles, 1.9 to the half compared to 6.3, and then they wound up at 4.12 to three-quarter time compared to the Eagles 8.5.

It’s not often that a team can lose every major stat and still leave you thinking that they should’ve won, but Ross the Boss has achieved it.

It really is speaking volumes about how bad the general skill was when Eddie’s commentary actually managed to lift the game.

Surprisingly, the Glendinning-Allan medal was awarded, and the winner for the third time, was the one and only, Shannon ‘Bunga’ Hurn!

Jack Petruccelle- Has an Italian name, lives in Perth, and is fast.

Daniel Ricciardo- Has an Italian name, is from Perth, and is fast.

If West Coast broke into the Renault factory in Enstone, they could swap Jack for Duncraig Dan, and the French wouldn’t even notice!

Gold Coast (8.11-59) defeated Carlton (8.9-57) @ Metricon Stadium


St Kilda (10.14-74) defeated Hawthorn (10.9-69) @ Marvel Stadium

If a Hawthorn game doesn’t finish with the Hawks scoring 87 points, did it really happen?

Considering the injury circumstances and how badly they smacked us in the last quarter, I’m surprised the Saints didn’t belt us by even more.

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