AFL

The AFL Review: Round 6, 2019

The bump that sums up Melbourne’s season (Still: Channel Seven)

It can’t be a mere coincidence that major booing incidents have increased since fans were banned from bringing full strength beer into games during the 1980s.


Richmond (12.13-85) defeated Melbourne (6.6-42) @ The MCG

Nobody’s missed a Hogan this much since the WCW lost Hollywood Hulk Hogan in 2001.

Melbourne looked half-decent in the first quarter, and managed to lead at Quarter Time- And then they turned in to Melbourne, and kicked 2 goals for the rest of the game on a perfect night, as the game ended up turning into the result that 98.45% of the human race predicted.

This is like the vintage Neale Daniher Melbourne from the ’90s & 2000s- Make the finals one year, play like a dog’s business the next, rejig and make the finals the next year, rinse and repeat.

How incredible is Sydney Stack- Took a hanger, did a bunch of other stuff, and then landed a monster hip and shoulder on Jack Viney, one of the toughest players going around, so hard that he buggered Viney’s AC Joint.

I believe that maneuver is now known as the Stack ‘n WHACK!

Video: Channel 7/AFL

“If it’s not on YouTube with that “Here comes the boom” song playing over it at 150% volume by the weekend, I’m gonna be very disappointed.” – /u/nut0003


Collingwood (10.13-73) defeated Essendon (10.9-69) @ The MCG

92,241 fans, servicemen & women rocked up for the latest ANZAC Day classic at the ‘G, filled with moments like Daniher doing Daniher stuff, Tippa getting his head ripped off several times, Dylan Shiel kicking it to Pies players, Jordan De Goey saving the day, and like most games, fans booed the umpires and the media cracked the sads about it, again.

From what I recall, the ending to the game was a stick of gelignite waiting to explode- The biggest crowd of the regular season, a ‘few’ questionable umpiring decisions in the final quarter, and the result ended up being decided by under a goal.

ANY fanbase would ring out a chorus of boos after a tough loss like that, because it’s their DUTY.

The only problem with it was the fact that it was going on when the Returned Servicemen were speaking during the presentations, and then it was apparently aimed at Pendlebury when he was getting his ANZAC Medal and the trophy.

In conclusion, this latest booing Whingeathon has distracted everyone from the biggest problem of the game.

Matt Guelfi’s hair.

Photo: Scott Barbour & AFL Photos

He looks like the sort of person who would go to Hogwarts, get sorted into Slytherin House, and bully Harry Potter for the next seven years.

And I haven’t even mentioned the hideously funny story of the MCG caterers, who managed to give almost everyone at the Essendon President’s Lunch a case of food poisoning, thanks to a dodgy rabbit terrine.

By any chance, was the head chef Frank Costanza?

Hang on, was there even an ANZAC Day Game this year?


Port Adelaide (12.16-88) defeated Norf (11.6-72) @ The Adelaide Oval

“North Melbourne are like that annoying TV series where the whole episode is boring and you say to yourself I won’t watch this again, but then the episode ends on a cliffhanger and hooks you in for the next week.” – /u/jmaverick1

Shaun Higgins spent the night in hospital with a bad case of gastro, most likely caused by watching a replay of North’s game against the Bombers.

Ha ha ha, classic cheap humour.

What an absolutely riveting contest- Port never trailed, Patty Ryder did a thing, Connor Rozee was spectacular, North kicked enough goals at the end to move up to 17th, Jasper Pittard and Jared Polec got booed, people ran into Ben Cunnington’s elbows, the end.

I thought it was disgraceful that the Port fans were booing Jasper, for the simple fact that he chose to sport a mullet.

It’s a lifestyle choice.


Brisbane Lions (16.15-111) defeated Gold Coast (9.8-62) @ Metricon Stadium

The Lions Win The Pineapple Grapple

The Suns board on BigFooty (All three Suns fans on the site) came up with the ‘Pineapple Grapple’ back in 2012 as an alternative to the Q-Crap name- Like how Roy & HG brought us Fatso the Fat Arsed Wombat instead of Syd, Ollie and ‘Dickhead’ during the 2000 Olympics.

Despite being built up as the 17th and biggest Pineapple Grapple to date, thanks to both the Suns and Lions coming in with winning records for the first time ever, it was all one way traffic after half-time in the favour of the team from South East Queensland.

Redditor and Big Day Out enthusiast Mitch Robinson was dominant for the Lions, racking up 26 disposals and kicking 3 goals, and all things considered, he was an easy choice for the Marcus Ashcroft Medal as best afield.

I was disappointed that the Dayne Zorko-Touk Miller Hell in a Cell match never went ahead as planned, although the second half was a recreation of the year 1998, when the Undertaker threw Mankind off the Hell in a Cell, and plummeted 16 feet through an announcer’s table.

And now, Brother Captainfizzlefits reads Chapter 6, Verse 6 of the Faganism Bible

Adelaide (15.7-97) defeated St Kilda (10.8-68) @ Marvel Stadium

Did anyone else hear a massive explosion on Saturday evening?

It was the sound of St Kilda plummeting back to reality.

To think that not even a fortnight ago, Adelaide were dominated by a winless North Melbourne and the entire country was laughing at them.

Then again, nobody needs a reason to laugh at Adelaide.

Alex Keath was once used as a human sacrifice by Shane Warne in a Big Bash Semi-Final, and was reincarnated by Don Pyke on that weird Collective Minds camp in 2018 as a footballer, and he finally achieved vengeance on Warnie’s beloved Saints, dominating down back with 21 disposals and 14 marks.

Josh Jenkins will have more time on his hands to study the form for the Globe Derby trots, if the performances of Elliott Himmelberg are any indication.

Matty Parker looks like a South Freo bogan, but he sure is entertaining.

AND HERE’S ONE FOR THE COINCIDENCES THREAD:

THE CROWS’ SCORE: 97

WHAT YEAR DID THE CROWS DEFEAT ST KILDA IN THE GRAND FINAL? ’97!


GWS (18.12-120) defeated Sydney (12.7-79) @ The SCG

Greater Western Sydney defeats Lesser Eastern Sydney

Phil Davis was a late out for the Giants, sending Swans fans into raptures as Buddy’s greatest menace since Matthew Scarlett would be watching the Battle of the Bridge from the stands.

Only that Buddy Sydney’s entire forward line was a late out too.

John Longmire coached his 202nd game, and equalled Paul Roos’ record for the most games as coach of South/Sydney, and making it 203 games since the Swans last played with a different gameplan.

Despite making things somewhat interesting in the 2nd quarter, the Swans remembered they were playing at the SCG, and then threw up the red and white flag and normal service resumed.

In the absence of Davis, Steve Coniglio took up the captaincy, and was a one man wrecking crew, racking up 24 disposals and kicking 4 goals.

Does that mean I can whip out the Captain Phillips gif again?

And we can now add Aliir Aliir to the fast growing list of “Players who have hit Matt de Boer off the ball”.

With how fickle the Sydney sporting public is towards Australian Rules Football, I’m expecting the Swans to have crowds matching the glory years of 1992-94 within a month.


Fremantle (13.10-88) defeated Western Bulldogs (9.15-69) @ Optus Stadium

This was all about the #MundyThreeHundy for one man, one myth, one legend.

DAVID MUNDY.

Photo: Julian Smith/AAP

The Purple Army gave Mundy a big cheer every time he touched the ball, and they ascended into something resembling Canterbury’s Mad Monday celebrations in the 3rd Quarter, as ‘Barra’ grabbed the game by the balls when the Dogs were on the march, kicking 2 goals from 50m out to give Freo the lead + momentum, and they twirled towards freedom from thereon.

Can’t also forget Brandon Matera teaching the Bulldogs how to kick for goal winding up with 5 goals, including 3 in the final term, while the Dogs kicked 1.6 in the last quarter.

To paraphrase Steve Irwin in some Quarantine ad, Goalkicking matters- DON’T MUCK WITH IT!

FUN FACT- The Bulldogs haven’t won a game since they baited James Sicily.

The wheels on the Karma Bus go round and round, round and round, round and round!


Hawthorn (13.15-93) defeated Carlton (13.10-88) @ UTas Stadium

Without going in to any detail, here’s a summary of Hawthorn’s 1st Half.

And Carlton in the 2nd Half.

Considering the Blues ran out of players, they can happily chalk this one up as an honourable loss.


Geelong (15.14-104) defeated West Coast (7.4-46) @ GMHBA Stadium

Shocking stuff- A Geelong premiership coach rocked up to a Geelong premiership reunion?

Hopefully he supplied the party with his trademark frozen water.

Anyway, without Adam Hunter there to throw himself into the dugout and inspire a massive comeback, the Eagles were once again smashed by the Pussies at the Cattery, who should now be a moral lock to win the premiership based on the performances of every team this season.

And the Cats were so good they managed to beat the Eagles at their own game, winning the free kick count 19-14.

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