Horse Racing

The Chalk Eaters Guide: 13th July


For no reason, here’s Gav and Gaz staring at you.

Boy what a big week it’s been- The Grafton Cup Carnival captivated about 1.3% of the country, The Mexicans one-upped New South Wales in the Prize Money Pissing Contest, every runner on today’s Carnavon card was ridden by a female hoop, and the Wizard of the West, William Pike, bagged his record 136th metro winner for the season.

All it took was Pikey having his photo swapped for Brodie Kirby on this very website to get him back into form.

And of course, Terry McAuliffe had his final race call, which ended with a few Tinder gags, after Swipe Me Right got home.


So looking at this weekend, we’ve got the Sir John Monash Stakes at Caulfield, the Winter Stakes at Rosehill, something called a Swan River Cup at Belmont, and at Doomben, the Springbok Methuselah, Mr Jeff Lloyd, hangs up the saddle at the age of 57, having survived a stroke, and ridden some 5500 winners in 10 different countries.

He had his first ride back in March 1976… I think Shaun Burgoyne made his debut for Hawthorn that same month.

He’s still going.

Sunday Session (No.10) in Race 4 at Doomben, 1:23pm AEST

1350m Benchmark 70 Handicap “Good Luck Jeff Lloyd”

Trainer: Toby Edmonds, Hoop: Jeff Lloyd, 57kg

You know what, it’s Jeff Lloyd’s last Saturday as a hoop (That we know of), so bugger it, I’m one for a fairy-tale ending, and every morally depraved character like me loves a Sunday Session to boot.

Sunday Sesh resumes on the back of successive trial placings at the Gold Coast and Deagon (Being ridden by Lloyd), and it’s worth noting that The Great Boombino won that Deagon trial, and won today at Ipswich.

At ‘The Sesh’s last prep back in the New Year, he bagged a pair of wins at the Sunny Coast and Ballina, before a 2nd placing at Ipswich on the 30th of January to finish the prep.

As his record shows, he’s a middle-distance horse well short of his best distance (1800-1900m), but from Barrier 5, he should be able to park off-seed and come home strong, and hopefully give South Africa’s answer to Methuselah a farewell winner!

Organza (No.3) in Race 5 at Caulfield, 1:30pm AEST

1400m “Ladbrokes Info Hub Handicap”

Trainer: James Cummings (Godolphin), Hoop: Craig Williams- 55kg

Apparently Caulfield is set to be destroyed by biblical rain, high wins and hail, as God takes revenge for Handbrake Harry White denying him the Jersualem Quaddie back around the time of the Book of Matthew.

Why the big bloke upstairs picked the third-to-last Saturday of the 2018-19 season to crack the shits, we don’t know.

All factors considered, it appears to be setting nicely for Organza, who I’m pretty sure I tipped on here to win the Gai Waterhouse up in Queensland last month, as she ultimately ran 2nd to Ready to Prophet.

As I’ve said before, Craig Williams gets the red mist up in his pursuit of the Victorian Metro Jockey’s title, which is ironic, considering he’ll be riding, and probably be winning, in Royal Blue.

Surely, today is the day she greets the judge, or else the Sheikh will let his feelings be known.

Spiritual Pursuit (No.2) in Race 5 at Rosehill, 1:50pm AEST

1100m Fillies & Mares Benchmark 78 Handicap

Trainer: Jason Coyle, Hoop: Samantha Clenton, 57kg (After 2 kilo claim)

There hasn’t been a single apprentice snag a win for the Chalk Eaters (Unless Robbie Dolan got one when I wasn’t looking), but Sam Clenton has a chance to break that duck with a half-decent Jason Coyle nag by the name of Spiritual Pursuit, who is sure to get the weight of support from the sinning Christian community!

Last start at Randwick, the filly defeated Invictus Salute by 1.5 lengths, who then won last Saturday, and prior to that, prayer didn’t quite work when she was three-wide the trip 1st Up, and ran 2nd to Wagner.

Clenton goes on with the 2 kilo claim, she’ll be up on speed from Barrier 5, and if all goes to plan, nobody will have to send up a Hail Mary for Spiritual Pursuit.

Lordhelpmerun (No.1) in Race 8 at Belmont, 4:55pm AWST (6:55pm)

1600m Gareth Hall Farewell Handicap

Trainer: Steve Wolfe, Hoop: Brodie Kirby, 60kg (After 2 kilo claim)

So in the farewell to the G-Man, who loves to roam around Gloucester Park on a Friday Night, it’s the returning Albany bolter who makes up in class what he carries in weight.

Hang on a minute, what the hell does that mean…

Anyway, Lordhelpmerun is pretty much the best horse in the field, having bolted away to an easy win in this grade a month ago with young Kirbs aboard (Moschard ran 2nd and has won again), and then he came out and ran 2nd a fortnight later to The Velvet King in 70+ Grade.

Now back in grade, a low draw to boot, it all stacks up, so please, get the job done for your devoted religious fanatics, Brodie!


LAYING Primitivo (No.2) in Race 4 at Rosehill, 1:15pm AEST

2000m Benchmark 78 Handicap

Trainer: John Thompson, Jockey: Jay Ford

G’day folks, it’s your fruity friend Crazy Craig here, reporting to you from sunny Bairnsdale, which is so windy at this time of year, that just the other day, my wooden shack was picked up and thrown to Leongatha by a light gust!

How crazy is that!

Anyway, I’m heading up north to where the climate is much warmer in this Great Southern Land, and I’m taking on a last-start winner trained by the champion chrome dome himself, John Thompson!

Primitivo beat Wu Gok in his last win at Royal Randwick, and Wu Gok came out and won last week- BUT– Primitivo is going up 3 kilos to 59.5 kegs on that win, and Waking Moment, who ran 2nd in a BM78 a fortnight ago, comes in at 51 kilos after Robbie Dolan’s claim!

Conceding 8.5 KILOS to your nearest rival in a 2000m race!

That’s CRAAAZY business!

Only serious champs like Might and Power could pull that off!

Anyway, I think the weight swing and my crushing weight of pressure is going to do Primitivo in on Saturday against his major rivals like Waking Moment, High Power and Semper Fidels, and that right there is why I’ve made him my LAY. OF. THE. DAY.

I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me CRAAAAZY CRAIG.

ALSO AS A PARTING NOTE: Get well ASAP Tahlia ‘Chooka’ Hope- She’s out of the ICU after a horrible bout of viral meningitis that left her with swelling on the brain.

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