If you know someone that needs dragging down, just ask me to tip them in something

Another biiiiiig Saturday ahead, with a Caulfield card headed by the Sir Rupert Clarke Stakes + the Caulfield Cup qualifier in the MRC Foundation Cup, meanwhile, at the quagmire that resembles Royal Randwick, the Everest runners battle in The Shorts, and there’s another race Winx used to win for fun in the George Main Stakes, which is apparently known as the….

The Colgate Optic White Stakes?

Hahahaha, what do you get if you win? A trophy that looks like a roll of toothpaste?

Still, it’s got nothing on the Bowraville Cup, which is also tomorrow, at a track that resembles a velodrome.

Long Jack (No.3, Barrier 10) in Race 2 at Caulfield, 1:10pm AEST

1600m 3YO Handicap

Trainer(s): Murray Baker & Andrew Forsman, Hoop: Damian Lane, 56.5kg

“I’m a Long Jack and I’m okay, I sleep all night, and I work all day!”

The Kiwi master Murray Baker loves sending runners across the ditch around this time of year, and after bringing us the likes of Lion Tamer, Dundeel and Mongolian Khan this decade, he’s now brought something that sounds like those things Victorians wear underneath their pants, and a song from Monty Python’s Flying Circuis.

Long Jack ran 2nd in the Auckland Futurity to Rhaegar, then he got on a boat and broke his maiden a fortnight ago, on the utter hole that is the Ballarat Synthetic track, despite being wide most of the way, further showing he’s got a touch of class in his frame.

Statistics will show it’s more scientifically impossible to win a race on the Ballarat Synthetic than it is to launch a fully-manned spacecraft to the moon, which should hold Long Jack in very good stead against this lot.

Given Murray’s history, he probably fancies Long Jack for the Derby.

Pippie (No.4, Barrier 6) in Race 5 at Caulfield, 2:55pm AEST

1200m SW&P Group 3 How Now Stakes

Trainer(s): John & Chris Meagher , Hoop: Ben Melham, 57kg

Back in the days when women weren’t allowed past a white line in the Members’ at Flemington, John Meagher trained a very handy nag called What A Nuisance to a Melbourne Cup win in 1985 for a Mr Lloyd Williams.

34 years later, there’s probably a different kind of white line at the VRC, and John trains a promising lightly raced mare with his son Chris.

The lightly raced Pippie started her prep way back in July with an easy win at Doomben, and then headed south to Caulfield, and in two starts at The Heath, Benny Melham has sent her straight to the front, and despite a fair headwind, she won both races with performances that resembled the equine version of a turkey slap.

Which is interesting, because she is a mare.

It’s also interesting in that she thumped Spanish Whisper and Fidelia, who both ran in the Let’s Elope last week, and only ran 1st and 3rd respetively.

Based on that, they’ll have to bomb Caulfield to stop Pippie tomorrow.

Avilius in Race 7 at Randwick, 3:55pm AEST

1600m WFA Group 1 George Main Stakes

Trainer: James Cummings, Hoop: Kerrin McEvoy, 59kg

I outright refuse to call it the Colgate Optic White Stakes.

Which dickhead at the ATC thought that was a smart idea.

Anyway, time for some questions.

Has Avilius been beaten comfortably by Samadoubt in his last two starts?

Yes.

Am I going to learn from this?

No, for the simple reason that Randwick will be a Heavy craphole on Saturday, and Avilius is 2/2 on Heavy tracks, which coincidentally, were both his Group 1 wins last Autumn.

Funnily enough, Verry Elleegant is also 2/2 on Heavy tracks and won the G1 Vinery on a bog, and if you combine the Heavy track records of Samadoubt, Happy Clapper and Dreamforce, it reads 9 starts, for no wins, two 2nds and a 3rd.

Their fathers weren’t mudders, and their mothers weren’t mudders.

Pack the snorkel and flippers, Kerrin…. and probably a towel, with all the kickback you’ll be copping in transit.

Spillinova (No.6, Barrier 9) in Race 8 at Belmont, 4:25pm AWST (6:25)

1400m 70+ Rating Handicap

Trainer: Jim Taylor, Hoop: Jason Brown, 57kg

I should make mention of the fact that Jason Brown is a diehard Collingwood supporter, and on Grand Final day last year, he was riding in Jimmy Taylor’s Eagles silks, giving us this great moment as the afternoon progressed.

That’s as funny to look at as Collingwood kicking the first 5 goals in a Grand Final, leading all day, and losing at the death.

Going back to the future, and Browny will be in those very same Eagles silks aboard Spillinova, who goes in 3rd Up tomorrow on the back of two placings, most recently at the end of August, in which he led for most of the way in a big effort at the same Grade/Track/Distance, only to get claimed by Mad Brad (No relation to Crazy Craig) in the shadows of the post.

He’s against Cup Night tomorrow, who let me down big time last start and turned me into a jilted ex-lover, and I suspect Browny will go to the front again, and being rock hard fit, he’ll give Spillinova every chance to pull off a very small upset.

Crazy Craig’s Tip Of The Day

LAYING Redzel in Race 6 at Randwick, 3:15pm AEST

1100m Group 2 The Shorts

Trainers: Peter & Paul Snowden, Jockey: Kerrin McEvoy

G’day knackers, it’s Crazy Craig here in boring Bairnsdale, and guess what- Tomorrow is September the 21st, which means I can belt out this CRAAAAAAZY tune!

“Do you remember, when Crazy Craig laid one in September?”

Rolls off the tongue.

Anyways, after my mate Crazy Colin threw me Castlevecchio last, I’m saying bugger him, and throwing off the trunks and jumping in the deep end for an EVEN BIGGER big spring fish- REDZEL.

“But Crazy Craig, he won last start and beat Pierata, he’s got the inside barrier, and he’s won an Everest on a Heavy track!”

PIG’S ARSE– If you ask me, he had that second Everest handed to him on a platter!

I could best compare Redzel to Ringo Starr, who was supposedly the best drummer of his era, yet as Paul will assert, he wasn’t even the best drummer in The Beatles.

Redzel might have the most prize money of any sprinter in Australian history, but he isn’t even the best sprinter in this race!

Start running now big boy, because if Pierata isn’t flying at you in the straight, I sure as hell will be.

Redzel- MY LAY. OF. THE. DAY.

I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me Craaaaazy Craig!

I did warn you, he is crazy.