AFL

The Meaningless AFL Review: The 2019 Grand Final

Marlion Pickett 1- Dangerfield 0

OH THERE’S A BIG BIG LACK OF SOUND FROM THE WEST OF THE TOWN

I can’t tell who threw who harder under the bus today.

The AFL not giving Tommy Boyd a spot in the Hilux retirees parade, or the “blokes” not singing back to John Williamson during Waltzing Matilda.

If that performance was a steam engine, it would be that one from Back To The Future Part III that plummeted off the tracks into the ravine and blew up.


Jack Riewoldt 5.1-31 defeated GWS 3.7-25 @ The MCG

Norm Smith Medal: Dustin Martin (Richmond)

Apparently Richmond also scored 17.12-114.

You want to know the moment the Giants lost the Grand Final?

Last Sunday, when they decided to wear their white clash strip, instead of taking the option of wearing their glorious Orange with white shorts.

YOU SHOULD HAVE REALISED THE WHITE RUSSIANS GOT SMACKED IN THE CIVIL WAR.

YOU CHEATED EVERYONE WHO WAS SO EXCITED TO SEE THE ORANGE RED ARMY STREAMING ONTO THE MCG ON THE BIGGEST STAGE OF THEM ALL.

THIS IS LIFE’S WAY OF SAYING UP YOURS, YOU PACK OF GRUBBY C-

Well, it was either that, or when they kicked the first goal, and carried on the curse that stretches back to 2014.

2014- Sydney kick first goal, lose
2015- West Coast kick first goal, lose
2016- Sydney kick first goal, lose
2017- Adelaide kick first goal, lose
2018- Collingwood kick first goal, lose
2019- GWS kick first goal, lose

Within 5 minutes, the Tigers went after the wounded Soviet defenders like Phil Davis, in a preemptive strike not seen by a group of Tigers since the Tamil Tigers were still operating, and because of Razor Ray impersonating an incompetent United Nations official, several players were maimed.

The first signs that the Giants were going to be on the end of a massacre came during the 15 minute barrage to begin the game, in which the Tigers could only manage 3 behinds, but had absolutely no problem keeping the Soviets pinned in their own half.

Fortunately, the Giants were able to sneak forward against the relentless attack, and Jezza Cameron fired a rocket through the Punt Road end after 20 minutes, the latest opening goal in a Grand Final since 2002.

From there, whatever hope and optimism that was aboard the Giants bandwagon was slowly sucked away, like Labor voters on election night.

Dusty finally kicked the Tigers’ first goal with a minute remaining until Quarter Time, and then Dan Rioli sent a rocket through from 50 out on the siren to make the margin 7 points at the first change.

To be honest, they should have just stopped the game there and then, so that GWS wouldn’t be able to feel the incoming humiliation of copping a blind turn from a debutant.

Sure, you can thank Jack Graham for dislocating his shoulder, but Shaun Grigg sacrificing himself into retirement before Round 9 got them the mid-season pick needed to draft Marlion Pickett.

As was confirmed in 2004, Picketts have a very good record on Grand Final day, and Marlion was no exception.

22 disposals for the South Freo flyer, and of course, the highlight was that goal which absolutely confirmed the Cup was headed to Punt Road.. with a quarter and a half still to go.

Retire now Marlion, and retain that perfect record of winning a premiership in every game you’ve played.

They could’ve given the Norm Smith to a huge host of Tigers, but ultimately, it had to go to Dusty once again.

22 disposals, 4 goals, 8 score involvements, whatever other made up statistic you want, he racked it up, as he complete befuddled Matt De Boer.

Bachar Houli was superb, but Dusty stuck out like a sore thumb, just like he did in 2017.

As a result of copping more pressure than Tectonic plates colliding, the Giants were forced into shitting the bed everytime they had the ball- Over-handballing the pill, and the 2 times they got free and got the ball on the boot, there was tumbleweeds floating through their forward 50, because everyone had gone up the ground trying to get a touch, forcing the Giants forward structure to collapse like the Soviet Union in December 1991.

Seriously, Jeremy Finlayson had 1 touch for the game.

I’d better hope he was injured, or else that was one of the greatest disappearing acts since Christopher Skase fled Australia and popped up in Majorca.

It was a standing eight count by the time Riewoldt put through his 3rd goal for the game to put the margin out to 35 points at half time, and by 3/4 time, it was Ivan Drago beating the shit out of Apollo Creed levels of brutality.

After all that promise, it really was an utter letdown from GWS, on a scale not seen since Season 8 of Game Of Thrones.

They played like their Grand Final had absolutely been last week, Shane Mumford has probably departed the game without putting anyone in a coma (Trent Cotchin targeted him right from the opening bounce), and Toby Greene’s only major contribution was his attempt at putting his hands in someone’s facial region in the 1st Quarter, which was so half-arsed, that his elbow was the only thing that touched Liam Baker’s face.

NEVER CALL BACK AGAIN TOBY.

And capping off the humiliation, Jack Riewoldt, with the last kick of the game, managed to achieve the incredible feat of outscoring a team in a Grand Final, bringing the Jack Riewoldt Football Club their maiden premiership in thrilling circumstances.

5.1-31 to 3.7-25… which is also the lowest score in a Grand Final since 1960, and the Giants’ lowest-ever score in their history, beating out the 4.5-29 they scored in the fabled snow game from Round 21 this year.

But on the flip side, that’s also their highest-ever Grand Final score, so there’s a positive.

So the only two Grand Finals in history without a Top 2 team have been won in absolute smackings by Richmond; 1980 by 81 points, and 2019 by a lazy 89 points.

The good old days of Richmond finishing 9th are long gone.

Based on today, they’re a monster chance of going Yellow and Black To Back, and covering the lands in a yellow & black darkness not seen since the mid-1970s.

And of course, let’s remember that Damien Barrett plopped this in his weekly Sliding Doors crapola after Round 1.

OP by /u/Anjewicus

Well Purple, that statement has aged like Keith Richards.


THE ONLY WIN BY AN EXPANSION TEAM ON GRAND FINAL DAY- Gold Coast’s Ben King winning the Grand Final Sprint

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