SELECTION CRITERIA: Pick an Australian rules football team based on ‘well-known individuals’ from each State, with the only exception being players from the VFL/AFL/WAFL/SANFL/NEAFL/Whatever Tasmania plays.
Well friends, after much conjecture, backroom deals, possible corruption and insults between the Board and the Selection Committee which may end up before the Supreme Court, here is….
The Western Australian All-Star Team:
Home Ground: Perth Stadium or the WACA
Notable omissions: Mark McGowan, John Curtin, Shirley Strickland, Judith Lucy, Megan Gale, Billy Snedden, Rose Porteous, Adam Gilchrist, Michael Hussey, Bruce Reid, Terry Alderman, Ricky ‘Amazing’ Grace, Tiny Pinder, Andrew Vlahov, William Pike, Northerly, the Farriss brothers, Eskimo Joe, every member of the Six Hungry Families, and several thousand other Sandgropers.
There was also conjecture about the eligibility of former Prime Minister and yard glass expert Bob Hawke, given he attended the University of WA, his uncle was the Premier of WA, and he now has a school named in his memory in Subiaco.
Ultimately, it was deemed in the interests of parity for the Competition that Mr Hawke be selected for his birth state of South Australia, due to them lacking character outside of Ian Chappell and his stories about Sir Donald Bradman being a tightarse.
Mr Hawke has apparently taken the news well.
The Sandgropers have chosen only the most upstanding public figures with absolutely no questionable track records to run this club, and for some reason, I think we’ve seen them together before…
Brian Burke, Bondy, Holmes à Court, Laurie Connell, ‘Debbie Does’ Dallas Dempster, Kev Parry….
With those gents in charge, I can see a very lucrative sponsorship from the John Curtin Foundation coming for the team…
Followed by a Royal Commission.
Heading up the medical team is Doctor Fiona Stanley, best known for her research into maternal and child health, which might have been a mistake, as sources tell me the board was hoping to appoint Doctor Fiona Wood due to her well-documented work with plastic surgery and burns victims, and the development of spray-on skin.
Either way, the Sandgropers will be healthier thanks to a Doctor named Fiona.
In the all-important head coaching role, Matthew Hayden’s former opening partner Justin Langer was appointed to steer the ship, a pick that seemed straight forward for the WA board, who couldn’t be bothered thinking of any other well-known West Australian coaches not currently in the AFL system.
Trevor Gleeson has done his best work in Perth with the Wildcats, but he was always at the disadvantage of being from that frozen land called Warrnambool.
Despite supposedly loving Australian rules, the Sandgropers have seemingly forgotten what sport they’re playing, highlighted by Dennis Lille and Rod Marsh setting up what appears to be a cricket pitch in between Centre half-forward and Full Forward.
Clearly that’s the result of appointing a coach with a cricketing background… Next week Justin will introduce a rotation policy and ‘manage’ D.K. out of the team for Terry Alderman.
Ernie Dingo’s versatility across film and television saw him planted in a forward pocket, and the late Heath Ledger finds himself in the opposite pocket, with Langer not sure what role he wants Ledger to perform.
Ned Kelly, Ennis the bisexual Cowboy in Brokeback Mountain, The Joker…
Whichever way you look at it, whoever ends up in the general vicinity of Ledger will be waking up sore in the morning.
Across half forward, 1960 Olympic Gold medalist and Middle distance legend Herb Elliott starts at left half-forward, with the possibility that he’ll play further up the field when Dan Ricciardo pulls into the pits, and on the other flank, it’s that Yobbo from Kalgoorlie, Kevin Bloody Wilson, who also wrote the team song.
Living Next Door to Alan was mysteriously rejected by the board.
Lining up in the centre is the mythical Ronald Belford Scott, frontman of AC/DC, riding his motorbike up and down the corridor, telling everyone he’s on a Highway To Hell.
Lining up on the wings are two creatures known for their speed and ability to cover long distances – Daniel Ricciardo driving his lemon of a Renault, and the Pilbara’s favourite canine Red Dog,
Looking at the ruck situation, Luc Longley popped up in the news recently when he was a notable absentee from The Last Dance, mainly because the ESPN camera crew couldn’t be arsed flying to Perth and then driving to Denmark.
Yes, we have a town called Denmark in WA… and it’s not ruled by a Tasmanian princess.
As for how Luc would go in the ruck, his ‘official’ build in the NBA was 218cm and 120kg, making him a taller and ‘slightly lighter’ version of The Galloping Gasometer, Mick Nolan…. Who was 27cm shorter, and 15 kilos heavier.
Given Luc was no stranger to throwing a screen, I’m anticipating shepherding work like this.
Getting on the end of Longley’s ruck work is the world record holding Channel 7 anchorman Rick Ardon, who refused to play unless fellow world record holder Susannah Carr was situated to his left.
Picking Rick without Sue is akin to picking Karl Malone without John Stockton, or Scottie Pippen without that guy who sold shoes.
It was an issue for all of 2 minutes.
Highlighting the WA defence is Captain Lang Hancock, who was named at Centre Half-Back, which to me is a tactical mistake by Langer, considering Mr Hancock appears to have the turning speed of the Ruby Princess.
If I were selecting this WA team, I’d have swapped Hancock with Rod Marsh, given Rod is better suited to stopping balls getting past him.
The ever popular Tim Minchin will provide spark to WA through his ‘unique’ musical comedy, and on the opposite flank is yet another mining magnate – Andrew ‘Twiggy’ Forrest, who will play for his native WA, despite recent outcry that he was batting for another team.
Minchin and Twiggy – Two blokes who love putting on an act.
On the last line of defence, Tame Impala (Featuring Cameron Bancroft on the kazoo) will make you feel like you’re only going backwards, John Cornell will be playing his customary role of Strop without Paul Hogan or the ATO by his side, and at full-back, it’s Fat Cat, repeatedly called ‘Cat Cat’ as a child by this author, revered for his ability to quite literally lull his opponents to sleep.
Pundits and historians agree that Fat Cat’s best performance was on Humphrey B. Bear during the Channel 7 vs Channel 9 grudge match a decade ago.
Nobody has seen Humphrey on television since.
Bench & Emergencies
The first major inclusion on the bench is Sir Charles Court, beating out his son Richard to claim the token role of ‘Former State Premier’, and if you ask me, Sir Charles cost himself a starting position when he shut down the Fremantle train line in 1979, due to needing a freeway to get the Tanks from Swanbourne to the Rockingham naval base when the Soviets invaded.
When you think of it, that’s one way to lose a popularity contest to Brian Burke.
Joining Sir Charles on the pine is Billiards legend Walter Lindrum, who was given the initials W.A. so that he’d remember where he came from as he completely redefined billiards… until an 11-year-old Eddie Charlton defeated him.
Also included are Edith Cowan, aka That Lady On The $50 note, who is best remembered for being first woman in Australian history to serve as a member of parliament in 1921, and in another familiar move, Mitch Marsh was smuggled into the lucky last spot on the team, with Langer once again throwing his support behind the Big Bison to produce the goods.
Mitch has left many people frustrated with his red ball performances…. better hope WA play their games at night!
Looking at the emergencies, the major shock is that Gina Rinehart was left out of the 22, possibly due to an overload of mining magnates, and the appearance of a certain family member.
I find that thought nonsense… Rose Porteous isn’t there.
Damien Oliver can back a winner, even if it isn’t his own ride, Minister Ken Wyatt comes in with plenty of experience, having played in the victorious Liberal team in the 2019 Political Premiership, and in the event of an injury to Red Dog or a highly likely mechanical failure for Ricciardo, Senator Pat Dodson, with Akubra on head, will be a leading chance to slot into the team, having previously been selected on the left wing for Labor in the aforementioned Political Premiership.
Bruce Reid was considered for an emergency position in case of a mishap for D.K. Lillee, although most people will remember the only emergency associated with Bruce Reid was him being sent to an emergency room after suffering yet another injury.
Due to the ban on footy players, WA was robbed of the likes of Polly Farmer, Barry Cable, Stephen Michael, the Krakouers and the Materas.
I imagine Victoria, South Australia and Tasmania are in a similar position… I can barely name 15 Taswegians who weren’t footballers.
The end result for WA = An unholy marriage between cricketers, Channel 7 ‘personalities’, musicians, mining magnates, questionable business people and politicians.
What could go wrong.