SELECTION CRITERIA: Pick an Australian rules football team based on ‘well-known individuals’ from each State, with the only exception being players from the VFL/AFL/WAFL/SANFL/NEAFL/Whatever Tasmania plays.
Part 3 of the State Of Origin State Icons Edition, and this turned out to be the busiest edition yet.
It’s the state who brought us their fruity variant of the English language, plus novel ideas like stuffing corpses in barrels, calling banana kicks ‘checksides’, putting meat pies in soup, living in excavated caves to avoid extreme heat, and having everything from footballers to the Australian Grand Prix stolen from them by Victorians.
We better know ‘them’ as…
6 on the bench? Is that legal?
I believe we’ll allow it – There’s nothing David Hicks can’t do that the US Government hasn’t accused him of, and Mark Woodforde doesn’t have Todd Woodbridge patrolling the net.
What a team – Some of the rejections include Alexander Downer and Christopher Pyne, who were ignored due to an excess of politicians, and Casey Chambers of Mount Gambier was in contention for selection, however she was told she wasn’t pretty enough, her heart was too broken, she cries too much, and she’s too outspoken.
Coaches & Sponsors
As it turned out, there was an absolute abundance of coaching options, and the head coaching job went to a bloke who knows about dealing with untamed animals.
James Bartholomew Cummings, crowned both ‘The Cups King’ for his 12 Melbourne Cups, and The Eyebrows King, for maintaing the most iconic set of eyebrows in Australia for well over a half-century.
With Bart at the helm, we can expect this team of Croweaters to peak at the beginning of November.
Occupying the assistants roles are Sheffield Shield all-time leading runscorer and former Australian coach Darren ‘Boof’ Lehmann, elite tennis coach Darren Cahill, son of Port Adelaide legend John, and the father-son duo from Lindsay Park in Angaston, Colin and David Hayes.
Bart always considered Colin beneath him, so not much has changed in the afterlife.
While he was denied the head coaching role, Boof did play a big part in organising the team’s nutrition plan:
Proudly brought to you by Balfours.
Playing the needless role of Chief Mechanic for a footy team is motorcycle brain Jeremy Burgess, who managed to get Wayne Gardner a 500cc world title in 1987, followed by a lazy 5 in a row for Mick Doohan in the 1990s, followed by a lazy 7 for Valentino Rossi in the 2000s.
As everyone knows, Holden started as a saddlery in Adelaide before it evolved into manufacturing shitty unpopular Opel knock-offs, so Edward Holden was brought on board as the vehicle supplier…
And playing the role of de facto chairperson is Allan Scott of Mount Gambier, the man behind Scott’s Transport, best known for sponsoring Port Adelaide’s early AFL years, declaring that that Mark Williams would never coach the Power to a premiership, only for Chocco to give us the classic line “ALLAN SCOTT, YOU WERE WRONG!” after Port won the 2004 flag.
Chocco isn’t around to coach this team, so Allan can try his arm criticisng Bart.
That’ll go well.
Starting up front is Socceroos hero Johnny Kosmina, star of the heady days of the NSL, and somehow the only Australian to ever play for Arsenal.
Who can forget when Kevin Muscat knocked Kozzie off his chair in 2006, which nearly ended in Kev copping a chokeslam before several bystanders ruined a magical A-League moment.
In the other pocket is US Open + Wimbledon champion & former World No.1 Lleyton Hewitt, son of 1970s SANFL forward Glynn Hewitt, who played 5 games for the Croweaters during the ’70s State of Origin Carnivals.
Rusty has proven himself a Croweater hundreds of times over, and he even produced a DVD of his life called ‘The Other Side’ 15 years ago, featuring his hero Andrew McLeod and himself having a kick in Darwin.
Other than several lawsuits, the highlight of the DVD has to be Rusty shanking several ‘checksides’ out on the full.
Rusty, you claimed you were the engine room in the midfield, but here, you’re just another forward pocket.
And at full-forward, it’s another former Australian test captain appearing in this series – Ian Chappell.
I look forward to Chappelli regaling us with stories about how bats were smaller back in his playing days, and how Sir Donald Bradman was a fiscal tightarse who helped cause World Series Cricket.
On half forward, the first name of note is Terence Tao, a child prodigy mathematician nicknamed ‘The Mozart of Math’ with a supposed record-high IQ of 230, which obviously means that every South Australian has a lower IQ than Terence Tao.
The Croweaters will need that big brain to work overtime to find a solution when things inevitably go pear-shaped, and on the opposite flank to Tao is the unassailable No.1 of Australians named Paul Kelly, and that’s Paul Kelly.
Paul Kelly was great for the Sydney Swans, but Paul Kelly knew how to make gravy.
And the lynchpin at centre half-forward is the 6 foot 5 former Australian all-rounder, JASON ‘DIZZY’ GILLESPIE – Sans mullet.
Still on the subject of cricketers, another former Australian captain in Karen Rolton didn’t get a spot in this team, and as to why Sir Donald Bradman didn’t make it, despite his South Australian history:
A. He’s a New South Welshman
B. Dizzy scored an unbeaten 201 in his final innings – Donald trudged off with a duck.
In the ruck, it just had to be an Adelaide 36ers player, which was whittled down to a contest between Mark ‘Chairman Of The Boards’ Davis and Mark Bradtke, and while Bradtke did do his best work in Melbourne with the Tigers, he does have 9cm on Davis, and that mullet was just vintage.
Playing as the rovers are South Australia’s favourite Scotsman Jimmy Barnes, who is no stranger to eating cold porridge and performing on Grand Final Day:
And the other rover is the iconic Dennis Cometti of South Australia, Bruce McAvaney.
Gee, you just get the feeling that Bruce is going to do something special, don’t you?
Former Prime Minister Julia Gillard starts in the centre-left, known for her ability to negotiate a tough tag from the Greens, several Independents and Tony Abbott.
Unfortunately, a vindictive former teammate ruined her career with his love of knives.
The wings feature two Olympic Gold Medalists renowned for their speed -On the left wing, it’s star of the 1952 Helsinki Olympics, and former SA Governor Marjorie Jackson-Nelson, and opposite to Jackson is 2004 Athens Gold Medalist, 2x Tour de France stage winner, Paris-Roublaix winner and blood doper Stuart O’Grady.
For a bloke who confessed he actually took EPO, Stewie’s reputation did pretty well to stay afloat… Probably because he’s not a Lance Armstrong-type character.
Apparently that was good enough for Bart, so O’Grady will be cycling down the right wing.
Given South Australia shares a border with 4 states and a Territory (That they used to control), you’d better hope their back six would be bloody solid.
At left half back is the dynamic H.G. Nelson (Formerly Greig Pickhaver), who would be better suited alongside Rampaging Roy Slaven in the NSW team, but, Greig is a genuine Croweater icon.
The other flanker is 1945 Nobel laureate Sir Howard Florey, who also doubles as the team’s medical officer, thanks to his work alongside Sir Ernst Chain and Sir Alexander Fleming developing penicillin.
If bacteria launches an attack into their forward 50, Florey will be there with a clenched first of antibiotics.
Due to several negative recommendations about his brothers (Sources believe they came from past Channel 9 employees), Trevor Chappell was awarded the captaincy and a place at centre half back, and given the blowtorch will be applied to Trevor for 40 years regardless of what he does, brother Greg will also play in defence, given he is largely responsible for what happened.
Playing out of position in the right back pocket is Bordertown’s favourite son Bob Hawke, and all I can say is let’s hope this goes better than Hawkie’s attempts at a cricket career.
And the final on-field position goes to the Indigenous preacher, author, inventor, and one side of the $50 note, David Unaipon.
If you can get on an Australian bank note, you’re more than welcome earning a starting spot on a State of Origin team.
Interchange and Emergencies
South Australia have probably violated the integrity of the competition by naming 6 players on the bench, but, the Commission only wrote rules about 18 on the field, so, play on.
Headlining the bench is Utah Jazz forward/guard Joe Ingles, better known as ‘Jingles’ around Christmastime.
Shaun Micaleff, who was apparently MAD AS HELL that he didn’t get a spot in the starting 18.
Sia, whose best position is swinging from the chandelier.
Sir Douglas Mawson, Antarctic explorer and former $100 note face, who has long been dogged by rumours of cannibalism regarding Xavier Mertz.
The southpaw half of ‘The Woodies’ Mark Woodforde, who is actually the third Olympic Gold Medalist in the team, when you remember he and Todd Woodbridge won the men’s doubles gold in Atlanta.
And last on the bench is David Hicks, former captain of the Guantánamo Bay XVIII, who comes in with quite a reputation courtesy of the US Government, most of which has turned out to be bullshit.
And the emergencies – Tziportah Malkah has replaced Kate Fischer, Tony Vidmar will step up to take a penalty if someone goes off injured, 36ers legend Mark ‘Chairman Of The Boards’ Davis can replace Bradtke, and lucky last is 2003 Australian Idol winner/Shannon Noll’s destroyer, Guy Sebastian.
How did you get here, Guy?
Bart Cummings trained Viewed to win a Melbourne Cup at age 80.
He’ll be unstoppable with this bunch of plodders.