Horse Racing

The Chalk Eaters Guide: 16th May

Scone, Rosehill, what’s the difference, they’re both lightyears from civilisation.

For the umpteenth time, here’s Man vs Horse

Well consumers, it’s been another tumultuous week – AAP’s long-time Racing Editor Caryl Williamson passed away aged 67 (Sadly, it still appears AAP will be joining her), the Tasmanians are pissed off they’ll be waiting another month to resume racing, and Steven Pateman ruined everyone’s jumps betting strategies, when he was rubbed out for 3 years for cobalt offences committed waaaaay back in September 2017.

For crap’s sake Steve, who are people gonna back now – Shane Jackson?

Moving on and looking ahead to tomorrow:

  • The G1 Inglorious Goodwood rounds off the Adelaide Autumn (Good to see the degenerates are still backing Santa Ana Lane thinking he’ll come good)
  • Today’s Scone Cup was actually run at Scone, but the Saturday Guineas meeting was sent to the equally inhospitable Rosehill
  • More people seem to care about the Chief De Beers and the Wayne Wilson tonight at the Sunny Coast than the G3 Ken Russell on the Gold Coast…
  • And it’s time for the first of the Melbourne Cup ‘Win And You’re In’ races at Flemington – THE ANDREW RAMSDEN.

Given the internationals are in massive doubt for the Spring, these qualifying races are going to be red hot.

Aaaand over here in Way Ahead (Formerly Wait Awhile), Italian Day and the best Roma Cup field in years signifies the end of the Ascot season, before the switch to Belmont for the rainy season.

Funnily enough, there was a random Belmont meeting yesterday – The official reason being that another Northam meeting was transferred.

A shame about the Scone Carnival – Gary Harley was robbed of his time to shine.


Fituese (No.5, Barrier 3) in Race 7 at Scone Rosehill, 3:15pm AEST

1100m Listed Denise’s Joy Stakes (3YO Fillies)

Trainer: John Thompson, Hoop: Rachel King, 54.5kg

Here’s another 3YO Filly who races in the silks of Rubisaki (The obvious answer being they have the same ownership), and you’d be forgiven for thinking Rubisaki ran as Fituese at the Randwick Kenso a fortnight ago, because she came out First-Up and despite drawing wide, and sitting three-deep, took a fair dinkum dump on her opponents by 3L eased down.

That made it 4 wins from 6 starts, and she returns to Listed grade for the first time since the Gosford Guineas in December, and as expected, the field is slightly better, with Wayupinthesky (Who once ran 2nd to Rubisaki), and Aquatine, who is…. also good.

Chalk Eaters Hall of Famer Rachel King retains the ride on the filly, and if you’re wondering why I mentioned Hall of Famer, it’s mainly because of this ride on Deprive last year.

Look at the Royal Blue/Godolphin silks with the white cap (Sky Racing)

Near enough to last at the 300m, then she cut through about 5 lanes of traffic with minimal effort, and Deprive helped finish the job.

I recall her performing the same miracle at Rosehill a fortnight later.

Anyway, with a 3 kilo drop and an inside barrier, like many suckers with limited critical thinking skills, I’ll be in her corner.


Rupture (No.4, Barrier 3) in Race 7 at Flemington, 3:30pm AEST

2000m Lexus Trophy (Handicap)

Trainer: Paul Preusker, Hoop: Jordan Childs, 59kg

Fun fact – This is the first rap song to reach No.1 in the US

Thank the Lord, the Rupture is finally here.

Now I don’t have to spend anymore time with my annoying family.

Hang on, I just said that out loud….

Hang on, I was waiting for the RAPTURE

Damn, I’ve been fooled again!

Paul Preusker is trying to launch Dark Alley into the Melbourne Cup via the Andrew Ramsden, but his best chance at Headquarters appears to be Rupture, who comes in off a winning hat-trick, having won at Werribee in December, followed by the coveted Warracknabeal Cup on Easter Saturday, and a recent Flemington appearance on ANZAC Day, where he easily grabbed the lead in a 1700m, and won like an absolute control freak.

Steps up to 2000m (Where he’s won before), the good track is a tick, an inside barrier, and Jordan Childs, son of Greg retains the ride, having claimed 3 wins from 4 rides.

The interesting horse is Deutsch import Schabau, who makes his first appearance since he absolutely cleaved everyone in the Roy Higgins last March (He also helped produce a 4/4 performance in tat Saturday’s Chalk Eaters), which gave him a 3/3 record in Australia, and just as momentum built for a Cups charge, he suffered an off-fore tendon injury and hasn’t raced until now.

Quite ironic that his greatest rival is named Rupture.

Rob Hickmott has said he’s still only at “80-85%” fitness, which appears to be another tick towards Rupture, so, as they say before disaster strikes, WHAT COULD GO WRONG.


Harbour Views (No.9, Barrier 5) in Race 7 at Morphetville, 3:15pm ACST (3:45)

1600m Group 3 RA Lee Stakes

Trainer: Matthew ‘Beetroot’ Williams, Hoop: John Allen, 55kg

Race 7, Race 7, Race 7.

Don’t stop me now!

Starting off, if you wonder why this author and other racing people lovingly nicknamed Matthew ‘Beetroot’, well, just take a look at him.

Still, as far as racing nicknames go, Jason ‘Stubby’ Holder and Wendy ‘Banana’ Peel are timeless classics.

In recent weeks, I’ve developed a fetish for picking unsuccessful Adelaide runners and finding popular songs for them, but what song would work for Harbour Views?

Probably some Otis Redding.

Otis Redding, the legend who fell just a year short of joining the 27 Club.

Trained by Beetroot out of The ‘Bool, Harbour Views was pretty good 1st Up over the 1400m at Sandown, making up plenty of late ground to run 3rd to the very intelligent Buffalo River, having never set foot on a heavy track.

It did sully his career record to 5:1:1 from 7 starts, but that run makes me think the better ground tomorrow and the jump to 1600m is a tick.

Mark Zahra rode him a fortnight ago. but he’s been reunited with Gentleman John Allen for the first time since that Melbourne Cup Carnival Country Final on Oaks Day.

Thinking about the replay of that race could make a grown man chunder in his friend’s toilet.

I still feel disturbed.

Taking him on is Seabrook, who gets in at 53kg, having not tasted victory since she won the Champagne Stakes as a juvenile on April 21, 2018.

If that’s the level of competition Harbour Views is facing tomorrow, well, I thoroughly look forward to a 70-1 shot beating everyone.


The Token Ascot Tip


Festival Miss (No.14, Barrier 1) Each Way in Race 9 at Ascot, 4:55pm AWST

1400m Western Racepix Ascot Horse Of The Year Handicap

Williams, Peters, Pike (55.5kg)

Talk about value for an Each Way tip – $4.20 and $1.65!

The last Ascot meeting until the Spring, and while everyone has their eyes locked on the Roma Cup and all the Group 1 winners like Vega Magic, Black Heart Bart and Gatting, as per usual, I’m hanging out for the last on the card, so I can validate why I still have that tab on the home page dedicated to Pikey.

Also so I can buy time to edit the post.

Surprisingly, that’s only the 148th time I’ve used this

I believe Sir William let us down last week because it was the second-last on the card, which simply meant he didn’t have access to the ‘Pike In The Last’ font of magic, which can provide his mount with the extra 1-2L worth of magical bullshit dust they need to get into the placings.

Funnily enough, in both of Festival Miss’ last two starts, she ran 3rd, beaten by the horse steered by Pikey, one of which was the Sheila Gwynne Classic, where she was only beaten a length by Angelic Ruler, who is of course, right in the market for the Roma Cup.

Back to 55.5kg, Festival Miss gets the possibly sticky Barrier 1, so expect to hear a mention of a pogo stick from Mr McAullay behind the microphone.

Now that I’ve once again backed against Laverrod, he’ll come good and take everyone to the cleaners, which, in fairness, is what the market is expecting.


Crazy Craig’s Tip Of The Day

Craig’s musical clue – Don’t come creeping ’round my back stairs.


LAYING Santa Ana Lane (No.1, Barrier 10) in The Goodwood at Morphetville, 3:55pm ACST (4:25pm)

1200m Group 1 (SW+P)

Trainer: Anthony Freedman, Jockey: Damien Thornton, 59kg

Bonjour knackers, it’s CRAZY CRAIG, The Boy From Bairnsdale, still recovering after Russian Camelot spectacularly burned my nuts off last Saturday, in much the same manner that Crazy Colin burns through my VB supply on weekends!

You aren’t thirsty Colin, you’re GREEDY!

BUY YOUR OWN SLABS!

As my faithful friends will know, I’ve taken on 2 runners across the Adelaide Carnival this month, so with only one Group 1 remaining, it’s time to wrap my paws around the Goodwood, where I do have the option of targeting Sunlight again, although, I’m taking on another multiple Group 1 winner starting with S!

SANTA ANA LANE went to Hong Kong as high as a kite last April after his TJ Smith win, which apparently made him the World’s Best Sprinter, and do you remember what happened?

HE RAN 2ND, AND STILL HASN’T WON SINCE THAT TJ SMITH!

I swear to you, the exact same thing happened to Chautauqua after his successful 2016 trip – He went to Honkers, and didn’t win for a year!

Still, they’re both far from the only Australians to go to Hong Kong and return worse for wear!

Hello Chris Munce!

Anyway, it appears the degenerate punters (The same category I belong in) are back on Santa’s sleigh after he ran on to finish 2nd to Nature Strip in the TJ Smith, followed by his usual ‘run on and suck everyone back in’ for 6th in the All-Aged, which has apparently worked a charm!

Don’t bother putting out your stockings kiddies, Santa isn’t coming to town tomorrow, because Crazy Craig thinks Gytrash will be playing the role of THE GRINCH!

SANTA ANA LANE – MY LAY. OF. THE. DAY.

I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me CRAAAAZY CRAIG!


I wonder if we could use a Jerry Stiller impressionist to voice Crazy Craig’s segment.

The consistent yelling would be a natural match.

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