They told me Anthony Van Dyck will win the Caulfield Cup, but what horse is he riding?

So on the subject of random places that host race meetings, today there was a Cup meeting at CLONCURRY in some random part of North Queesland, they had to run The Hotham meeting on the Ballarat Synthetic, and Saturday sees a meeting at MOORA, right out in the WA Wheatbelt.

Moora, eh….

Say, I feel a song coming on!

MOORA MOORA MOORA, HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?

Other than a sensational meeting in Muggy Moora, what a four-legged feast Saturday appears to be around the nation.

Caulfield Guineas day at The Heath, with the 4 Group 1s to kick off the Caulfield Cup Carnival, the Spring Champion Stakes at Randwick, which is the last Group 1 of the year in Sydney (No, The Everest is not a Group 1), the Queensland Cup at Doomben, the Hill Smith Stakes in Adelaide….

And Ascot’s back, with a Pike-less card that’ll send you to sleep by 7 o’clock.

Windstorm (No.6, Barrier 5) in the Weekend Hussler Stakes at Caulfield, 1:25pm AEDT

1400m Listed Handicap

Trainers: Grant & Alana Williams, Hoop: W.Pike, 58kg

What a superb horse Weekend Hussler was, and of course, he absolutely creamed the Caulfield Guineas field in 2007, which included a certain Sandgroper named Scenic Blast, who went on to win at Royal Ascot.

A lazy 6 Group 1s as a 3-year-old to win Horse Of The Year in 2007-08…. Then old Ross McDonald outsmarted himself and sent The Hussler to 10 furlongs, and he lost his magic in a pointless Caulfield Cup run.

Anyway, in the race named after the old Hussler, I believe it’s high time this made a comeback:

Wild Ruler (No.1, Barrier 5) in the Roman Consul Stakes at Randwick, 1:45pm AEDT

1200m Group 2 3YO Set Weights

Trainers: Peter and Paul Snowden, Hoop: James McDonald, 56.5kg

Ah, what a fine Group 2 field.

5 horses, and only 2 of them look any chance of winning.

May as well just bribe the connections of the three shitkickers and give the people what they’ll probably get anyway – A match race between Wild Ruler and Doubtland.

Doubtland returns to Sydney having won the Danehill at Flemington just on a month ago, but that apparently means nothing, because the gobbling turkeys at Sky Racing told me the Victorian 3-year-old form is clearly inferior to New South Wales, so that apparently means Wild Planet, who won the Heritage Stakes sitting on the speed, is a good thing.

Personally, I’ll just have a laugh if a Victorian raider like Cherry Tortoni does knock off Montefilia in the Spring Champion, and Hungry Heart does nothing in the Thousand Guineas at Caulfield, because it will prove that a few folks north of Wodonga have over-indulged in the ancient art of fart-sniffing.

Ain’tnodeeldun (No.4, Barrier 6) in the Hill Smith Stakes at Morphetville, 4:13pm ACDT (4:43 AEDT)

1800m Listed 3YO Set Weights

Trainers: Anthony & Sam Freedman, Hoop: Dom Tourneur, 57kg

Ah, the question that was asked by Andrew O’Keefe at least 10,000 times for a decade on Channel 7.

Deal Or No Deal?

Andrew, this time, I’m going to have to say……

NO DEEEEEEEL!

What a fair old slap to the face of the Adelaide racing community – A horse who won a Sale maiden, albeit with a leg in the air, has managed to walk into South Australia via Horsham straight into a Listed field, and looks like he’s over the line.

Can’t wait to see how this goes wrong.

Piss Poor Perth Punting

Yes, it seems Perth racing is back at Ascot for the Spring/Summer/Autumn, and apparently I’ll be there for the first time in 3 years.

If you don’t know where Ascot is, like my friend Mr Alfonse at the Waterford TAB, apparently it’s in Belmont.

But JT, isn’t Ascot Racecourse in Ascot?

No, and, Belmont Racecourse isn’t actually in Belmont, it’s in Burswood.

I tell you, those plonkers that fled from Britain and stank up the joint in the 19th century had no idea what they were doing naming suburbs.

Miss Frost (No.5, Barrier 11) in Race 8 at Ascot, 5pm AWST (8pm AEDT)

1000m Crown Towers Handicap

Trainer: Luke Fernie, Hoop: Mitch Pateman, 57.5kg

You know who I think Miss Frost is named after?

JO FROST, THE SUPERNANNY.

GO SIT IN THE NAUGHTY CORNER.

So looking at the Ascot quaddie legs, the overriding theme, especially in races 8 and 9, is that the favourites have the slight problem of starting in the Swan River.

Looking at this one, at the time of writing, 6 out of the first 7 horses in the market, including favourite Real Grace (Who copped Barrier 19 ahahahaha), are starting from double digit barriers, which has had the effect of inflating a few prices, while Chantorque drew Barrier 1 and can probably go straight to the front and say “Meep meep!”

I can’t help but think that Miss Grace, just by virtue of being in the cerise and white, would be a solid $2.50 if she drew closer to the rail.

It makes you wonder why I picked Miss Frost, who is starting from barrier 11 as it stands, and will probably have to go back in a huge field over the dreaded 1000m.

Well, I rarely make sense, but apparently she can be a demon in the sheets 1st Up, just as she was back in April at this very track and distance, where she drew wide, went back, peeled wide, and gave a fairly ordinary Class 1 field a whacking.

It’d be a big ask to try and pull it off again, but there is one guarantee I can give for this race, and the Classic in Race 7…

Waterford TAB character The Gabster won’t be betting in them, as they are 1000m races.

Crazy Craig’s Lucky Lips Tip Of The Day

Cherry Tortoni (No.1, Barrier 4) E/W in the Spring Champion Stakes at Randwick, 4:50pm AEDT

2000m Group 1 3YO Set Weights

Trainer: Patrick Payne, Jockey: Ryan Maloney, 56.5kg

How are ya knackers, it’s Crazy Craig, the Boy From Bairnsdale, and this statement may stun you knackers, but I’ve branched out beyond useless four-legged creatures, and ventured back into backing useless two-legged creatures!

Yeeeesssss, GET THIS INTO YOU.

If the old Fitzroy Brisbane Lions win the AFL Premiership, I’ll collect a couple of grand in cold harsh CASH, and not from Crazy Colin!

That’s right – I’ll get it from the TAB!

You bewdy!

Anyway knackers, this Saturday I’m making the only legal dash across the border I can think of, and I’m backing in the Vics to run a decent race in the Spring Champion Stakes!

Cherry Tortoni, draped in the colours of the mighty TIE THE KNOT, goes up to tackle the Cockroaches in his 6th career start, having placed in both his 3-year-old starts.

But Crazy Craig, Montefilia won a Group 1 last week, and Love Tap (Baby LOVE TAP!) is unbeaten – Why are you being so foolish and displaying state pride with a horse who isn’t proven at Group 1 level?

WHY?

BECAUSE I’M CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAZY CRAIG!

AND DON’T YOU FORGET THAT!