Instead of using whips on horses, how about we use them on Tabcorp’s servers to get them to work?

Why not, they’ll be getting rid of the whip in our lifetimes, especially after that study on horses was released, and I think whipping those crappy machines is a solution that could get about a 52% consensus in Australia.

You have to think, if Tabcorp can lose an estimated $100m in turnover on Stakes Day because of those servers apparently being damaged in a fire, causing a cavalcade of carnage with other bookies the likes of which we’ve never seen, imagine how much carnage we could’ve had if someone held a match to the servers on Melbourne Cup Day.

Still, I think the most important thing we’ve learned is that Tabcorp’s Managing Director/CEO is named…

David Attenborough.

I’ll be disappointed if we don’t get a nature documentary of the suburban TAB, observing the behavioural patterns of mug punters in their natural habitats.

“Here we see the angry mug shout profanities at the dog breath jockey to get stuck into his mount – Fascinating!”

So looking ahead, the upcoming Saturday slate looks utterly painful just to think about, let alone look at from a degenerate’s point of view, because it’s pretty wide open.

In Victoria, you have the traditional Sandown meeting to bring an end to the Melbourne Spring Carnival, with the 10 black type races led by the Zipping Classic, plus the annual Dunkeld Cup meeting, sadly with no crowd this year to marvel at the backdrop of Mt Abrupt and the Grampians:

That’d be right alongside Broome for picturesque Australian racecourses.

It’s also a big day for New South Wales country racing, as everyone eagerly awaits the running of the time-honoured Hair Of The Dog Cup at Gundagai, named of course after Nazareth’s biggest hit:

Apparently there’s also the second running of The Hunter in Newcastle for a million dollarydoos, so we can expect to see Gary Harley in full flight on Sky Thoroughbred Central picking runners in market order.

Buckle up kids, there’s going to be mayhem.

Sweet Reply (No.8, Barrier 7) in the Sandown Guineas (MR6), 3:05pm AEDT

1600m Group 2 3-Year-Old Set Weights

Trainer: Richard & Michael Freedman, Hoop: Damien Oliver, 55kg

A tip like this would be more suited to Crazy Craig, considering there’s a $1.75 favourite in the field in the form of Aysar, but if you ask me, Aysar should be called Aysar-hole, after that peahearted effort in the Carbine Club on Derby Day, where he had the entire straight to mow down Crosshaven, but when danger reared it’s ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled like Sir Robin.

Purely from a ‘value’ standpoint, I’ve gone for the Sydney horse Sweet Reply at all of $3.80, because this is a Chalk Eaters Guide, where everything north of $2 is considered long odds.

Sweet Reply had been very consistent without winning, with 4 second placings from 5 starts, plus a luckess 4tth in her last start in the Desirable Stakes on Cup Day at Flemington, a race I’d rather forget, because I backed Joviality, and some 10 days later, I don’t think she’s seen daylight sitting on the fence.

It was the same story for Sweet Reply, who was hopelessly held up on the fence with Oliver looking for his customary rails run, which never came until the 50m, by which time she flashed late as No Restriction rocketed home with the momentum down the outside.

Now let’s not pissfart around here, I am almost certainly going to fail here, but I figure if Aysar and Sweet Reply run the quinella, then I’ll probably get my money back.

Ranier (No.3, Barrier 8) in The Hunter (SR8) at Newcastle, 4:45pm AEDT

1300m TAB The Hunter Quality

Trainer: James Cummings, Hoop: Jason Collett, 57.5kg

Good news everyone…

I FINALLY MANAGED TO FIX UP THE GARNIER LOGO FOR RANIER

Ahahahahahahaha, TRY STOP ME NOW!

I’ll be honest, aside from getting 4.5 kilos off from his last start, I only picked Ranier so I could finally make that gag, because some of these other runners have names you wouldn’t even make a fart joke about.

Trumbull’s been done to death thanks to a certain US politican who you may have heard of, Gaulois was probably named after the French cigarette, Cuba is the preferred horse for cigar aficionados, and as for the others, I couldn’t care.

So all that said, Ranier is rock hard fit 3rd Up, gets 4.5 kilos off his last run on a Heavy track at Randwick, gets back on top of the ground, and I think he will be figuring in the finish of the 7-figure feature in Newcastle.

Piss Poor Perth Punting

The waters are getting warmer in WA, the sharks are amassing in the South West, the borders are opening at midnight to everywhere except the unwashed masses in New South Wales and Victoria (With their 3 active cases), and we’re now just a week away from the height of the Perth Spring Carnival.

I get the feeling that the border closures are going to mean this year’s Perth Carnival will resemble the Cartmanland episode of South Park, because this year’s interstate advertising campaign from Perth Racing should’ve been:

The last Saturday before the Railway Stakes is the time for the Champion Fillies Stakes, one of the many races that could be renamed ‘The Bob Peters Retirement Fund’ Stakes, along with the Railway, the WATC Derby, and now I think we can put the Mackinnon in there after Arcadia Queen cantered to victory.

And speak of the devil, it’s also the day for the R.J. Peters Stakes (Plus the Colonel Reeves) and this year will mark 20 years since it was named after Mr Peters, and you know who won that first running of the renamed WATC Plate in the year 2000?

Northerly.

Too Close The Sun (No.2, Barrier 13) in the Ascot Gold Cup, 3:45pm AWST

1800m Listed Handicap

Trainer: Lindsey Smith, Hoop: Smokin’ Joe Azzopardi, 57.5kg

You may have heard of the coveted Ascot Gold Cup in Britain, but did you know here in Australia, we also have the Ascot Gold Cup?

One of them is a 4000m Group 1, and the other is an 1800m piss-up that barely makes it at Listed level.

You can hardly tell the difference.

With more rain forecast in Perth on Saturday we’ll probably seeing a Soft 5 at Ascot (That’s in Belmont), potentially down to a Good 4 later in the day if the weather clears up in time, although I’ll be praying like buggery it’s still hovering around a Soft 5 or 6, because Too Close The Sun is a perfect 3/3 on Soft tracks, including winning the Warrnambool Cup back in May.

His 1st Up run in the Asian Beau over the unsuited 1400m was darn good for a horse that tends to build into a prep, sitting 3rd on the fence and managing to overhaul the more fancied Red Can Man in the straight, but the Smith gelding just didn’t have enough left in the tank to stop the flying Inspirational Girl from diving and winning on the fence.

Inspirational Girl is headed for the Railway, whereas Too Close The Sun is aiming for the Perth Cup in 6 weeks, so make of that what you will.

Now, the Gabster often tells us at the Waterford TAB that Joseph Azzopardi can’t ride (Apparently Chloe can’t either), and with the extreme outside barrier for Too Close The Sun, I imagine old Gab’s going to be using that same line if Smokin’ Joe gets caught 3 wide at the jump whilst trying to take luck out of the equation.

I guess I’ll just have to sit there and claim otherwise.

Snickerdoodledandy (No.2, Barrier 3) in the WA Champion Fillies (PR7), 4:20pm AWST (7:20)

1600m Group 3 SW 3YO Fillies

Trainer: Daniel Morton, Hoop: Chris Parnham, 55.5kg

Snickerdoodledandy, stablemate of Showaddywaddy and Kissonallforcheeks, and cousin of Yankee Doodle Dandy.

There’s some funny trends with WA horse names – The Peters have the Queens, the Caseys have a hold on all the horses named after Australian sporting legends (Charleton Eddie and Laverrod), and Dan Morton now has a spate of horses with 3 names rolled into one.

Unlike recent editions of the Champion Fillies, which have a recurring Cerise and White flavour, this edition looks very wide open, and leading the market is the Burgess Queen winner Snickerdoodledandy for Dan Morton, who was well found in the hour before the race 10 days ago, and she soared home over the top of the stablemate Kissonallforcheeks, running the fastest 400m and 200m of the day.

She’s also a horse that’s shown no fears of a wet track, having now racked up 2 wins and a minor placing from 3 goes on the Soft, and up to the mile on the back of the last start win, it’s entirely possible that with the low draw, C.Parnham can just sit off the leaders and pull the exact same tactics as that Burgess Queen.

Still, to paraphrase an old British man, anything can happen, and it usually does.

Crazy Craig’s Lucky Lips Tip Of The Day

Avilius (No.1, Barrier 5) in the Zipping Classic at Sandown, 4:25pm AEDT

2400m WFA Group 2

Trainer: James Cummings, Jockey: Damien Oliver, 59kg

G’day folks, it’s Crazy Craig the Boy From Bairnsdale, and after Bivouac’s stunning performance last week, let me tell you all that the LUCKY LIPS are LUCKY again!

Myself and Crazy Colin had a very good Saturday night, don’t you worry about that, and plenty of $50 notes went to good hands!

That’s all in the past now, as we look ahead to the Sandown meeting to mercifully end the Melbourne Spring, and of course, the feature Zipping Classic used to be the Sandown Classic, but Lloyd Williams’ beloved gelding won the race 4 years in a row from 2007-10, and the Zipping Classic just named itself!

Usually this is the race that picks up a few Melbourne Cup runners backing up from the 2-mile race, but they’ve all been scratched or gone to the Sandown Cup, which leaves Crazy Craig’s top pick of Avilius all alone!

Yessss knackers, obviously Avilius isn’t the horse he was in 2019, as shown when he did absolutely nothing in the Melbourne Cup, settling near the rear and finishing stone motherless in the great race, but prior to that, he ran an unlucky 6th in the Caulfield Cup, and this time around he’s back in class to the 2400m WFA, a distance and conditions where he’s won a Group 1 Tancred Stakes in the Autumn, and honestly knackers, this is probably the weakest field he’s faced in the decade since that race!

You’ve got Sound, a complete non-winner, Future Score, a good ordinary horse, Princess Jenni, the Empress with NO CLOTHES, and Lord Belvedere and Brimham Rocks?

NEVER HEARD OF ‘EM!

Fair dinkum, some of these horses couldn’t get the runs if they ate one of the laxatives they gave to Big Philou!

So in summation, at Weight For Age in this field of FRAUDS, If that old codger Damien Oliver rides him a bit more positively, I think Avilius can pull off the ultimate form turnaround – Beaten 20 lengths last, TO A WIN!

Avilius – MY PICK OF THE DAY.

I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me Craaaaaazy Craig!