Horse Racing

The Chalk Eaters Guide Review: 12th December

Bandersnatch singing the timeless lyrics of Kevin Bloody Wilson

Like most Saturdays, today started with no expectations for anything good to occur, and by about 2pm, the exact opposite of good was occurring through a cascade of frustrating defeats.

My thoughts can be summed up by Dewey from Malcolm In The Middle.

It started off with Sheza Chalmer racing flat in Race 2 at Ascot and running 2nd, which I at least got money back for, but it turned out Bandersnatch in Race 7 at Flemington was what I’d call a ‘pivot’ bet – If he’d got up, that just about would’ve been enough to call it quits and end a winning day early.

Alas, he copped an absolute bum steer, over-raced most of the way and ran 3rd, and in the next 3 bets I had, Too Good Too Hard was a dodgy 3rd in Adelaide, Criaderas ran 3rd from a mile back in the Villiers at Randwick, and The Fugazi was a total myth and ran 4th.

The only winner I ended up getting was the well-tried Somerset Maugham at $3.30 in Race 8 at Flemington, which spared me a total wipeout…

Something I couldn’t avoid on these tips.


Accountability in Race 3 at Randwick – SCRATCHED

Once again, I HAD NO ACCOUNTABILITY.

Now this is what I enjoy about horses I pick getting scratched.

If I claim I’m picking the favourite as a substitute and it runs really well, I’ll claim it counts.

If it runs like a busted arse, as Stockman did, I’ll claim that because my pick was scratched, it doesn’t count, as I block my ears and shout lalalalalalalala.

So that said, I’ll magically pretend I never mentioned the word substitute and count this as a non-event with Accountability not running, and wondering if he’d have been good enough to cut down Significance, who won for the second time in 7 days.


Bandersnatch in Race 7 at Flemington – 3rd

“A car crash for punters” – Matthew Hill

What an absolute shitter of a ride that pretty much never went right except at the jump, which was just about the best thing young Will Price did.

Instead of letting a natural front runner like Bandersnatch roll forward and keep using Barrier 1, he elected to slot in behind Sondelon, which went down as well as a fart in an elevator as Michael Walker immediately slackened the speed, which made the favourite go absolutely nuts fighting Price down the straight, which was the moment I realised he was probably going for a swim down Schitt’s Creek without a canoe.

Just to keep this crapshoot going, Bandersnatch, who probably also didn’t enjoy having to quicken again, then got blocked for runs behind the tiring Left Hand Man and Sondelon at a vital stage, which meant he never had enough momentum to start a run, and that was the ultimate difference, as Viral and Mr Money Bags both had clear running, went down the outside, and formed the quinella, and the favourite ran on for 3rd.

Sometimes it’s probably worth shouldering the top weight and using an experienced jockey to give a horse the best possible chance to win, instead of using the weight allowance from a claiming apprentice.


Frosty Rocks in The Gateway at Eagle Farm – 5th

On second thought, let’s not tip at Eagle Farm, ’tis a silly place.


Royal Command in the G.A Towton Cup at Ascot – Arse end of nowhere

So there I am waking up on Saturday morning after a night on the singing syrup at Manning Memorial, and I flick over to find out that Accountability got scratched and left me down to 3 runners…

And the favourite Midnight Blue had been scratched from the Towton Cup, leaving Royal Command pretty much 1 out in betting.

So I kept checking back through the day to see how he was holding up, and wouldn’t you know it, Royal Command was blowing like a tropical cyclone out beyond his original $3.20 fixed price on Friday, with all the support for bloody Neufbosc from some of the genuine late night sickos.

They ended up jumping as $4.20 equal favourites, and there was also support for Trap For Fools, because apparently there’s still that residue from the Warrnambool beach in his coat.

As for the race, after landing in a lovely spot one off the fence, Chris Parnham decided to follow the Pontiff on Tellem We’re Coming in a mid-race move, which left Royal Command 3-wide facing the breeze 700m out, because apparently the removal of Parnz’s brain wasn’t listed in the gear changes on Royal Command.

End result, Royal Command disappeared into oblivion, that tough old bastard Trap For Fools led all the way and won easily, with pretty much no other horse getting a sniff after the turn, as Neufbosc got caught in the coffin and didn’t see daylight until it was too late.

A deadset run to forget, befitting of the form the Durrant yard has displayed since November.


Crazy Craig’s Lucky Lips Tip Of The Day


Ranveer in Race 1 at Flemington – 2nd

Ironically, after potting Profiteer because it was supposedly named after Crazy Colin the beer thief, Profiteer proceeded to dry lick Ranveer and win the opener in a space job.

Obviously the difference between Profiteer and some of Mick Price’s other shorties that have gone down in a ball of flame was that Mick never said anything about it needing a run.

No wonder there was some decent support for it, which it duly lived up to.

That said, Ranveer wasn’t awful, given he held 2nd place pretty much all of the way, however he just didn’t have the turn of foot Profiteer displayed, with the winner running a superb 1.02.80, only 0.65s off the Flemington 1100m track record, and that time was also faster than the 1100m open race to end the day by about 4-tenths, which is a serious sign that the winner might be pretty damn good, even if he did punch up a bunch of plodders.

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