Horse Racing

The Chalk Eaters Guide: 26th December

By the time you see this, you will have received at least 3 useless Christmas presents from your loved ones

Unlike the Sydney to Hobart, this bloke is sailing

Just when the not-so-good folk of Australia haven’t received enough bad news regarding lockdowns over this festive season…


Dear lord, he’ll be the most destructive thing to be imported into Queensland since Brendan Fevola.

So with that piece of disturbing information to rattle your brain, Christmas Eve is here, although by the time most of you read this, you’ll be half-pissed on Christmas night, sitting around waiting for Boxing Day to kick off, although like most of Perth, I’ll be looking like a well-cooked Christmas turkey by 3pm with this absolute bastard of a heatwave.

We’ve copped 39.8 degrees on Wednesday, 41.1 on the hottest Perth Christmas Eve on record, and it’ll be at least 37 on Christmas Day.

But, as we day in our Sandgroper dialect, IT’S A DRY HEAT.

Of course, Boxing Day 2020 is the last Saturday of 2020, and to go with the usual festive festivities, there’s a very solid card of gallops nationwide, with the traditional Christmas Stakes card at Caulfield, the Summer Cup at Randwick, plus the Group 3s and the Bernborough Plate at Eagle Farm, and the ATA Stakes at Ascot, with all of them being the pick of the dozen meetings around this border-closed country.

Now before I begin on this typically unfunny report, I just want to point something out.

At Caulfield you’ve got Ayrton as the favourite in Race 3, and at Eagle Farm they’ve got the Grand Prix Stakes…..

I feel like we’ve missed a great opportunity for one of the all-time horse & race name combinations.

If you ask me, Ayrton could win that Group 3 while he was stuck in 5th gear.

Pandemic (No.9, Barrier 7) in the Christmas Stakes at Caulfield, 4:30pm AEDT

1200m Listed Handicap

Trainer: James Cummings, Hoop: Damien Oliver, 56kg

Because it wouldn’t be the last Saturday of 2020 without the OMEN BET OF THE YEAR.

Amish Boy E/W (No.3, Barrier 3) in Race 7 at Randwick, 4:50pm AEDT

1200m BM78 Sky Racing Active Handicap

Trainers: Ciaron Maher & David Eustace, Hoop: Hugh Bowman, 58kg

A rare appearance of Weird Al in The Chalk Eaters Guide

So I talk online to a bloke who knows a bloke who had a chat to Ciaron Maher last weekend, at a point in time where Ciaron was, as they say in the classics, ‘somewhat’ plastered after enjoying a few ales.

Needless to say, Ciaron, such was his confidence, ALLEGEDLY declared Amish Boy without 100% declaring Amish Boy, who hasn’t run since he finished 6th in the Caulfield Guineas behind Ole Kirk, which is a tremendous form reference for a metro Benchmark 78, provided he’s come back from back from his four-legged vacation with enough ability to carry on to his ultimate goal of the Magic Millions 3YO Guineas next month.

He may have a career record of 1 win and 4 placings from 8 starts, but I’d point out that maiden win was at 1200m, which is what gives me the unusual optimism he can run a place in this one, given it does look a very open race.

So in summation I’m tipping the horse from an Amish Paradise because a half-pissed trainer had a case of Dutch courage.

Welcome to the Chalk Eaters.

Tavidance (No.7, Barrier 9) in the Lords Stakes at Caulfield, 5:10pm AEDT

1700m Listed Handicap

Trainers: Mick Price & Mick Kent Jnr, Hoop: D.Oliver, 57.5kg

After that stonking performance at Pakenham, all I can say about Tavidance is….


We can Tavidance if we want to,
We can leave your friends behind
‘Cause your friends don’t Tavidance and if they don’t Tavidance
Well they’re, no friends of mine!

Piss Poor Perth Punting

As we celebrate the end of this historic year, I reckon we can mark this Saturday down as a rare moment in history where we’ll see a Boxing Day meeting at Ascot, given it’s usually just Pinjarra and Albany in WA on the 26th, but this year the calendar works to everyone’s advantage, so Pinjarra gets the flick on to Monday, and that should work to their advantage, because it’ll only be 33 degrees instead of 35.

Straying back to the subject of Perth scorchers, what a piss-up it was starting the Wednesday Ascot meeting just after 3pm, when it was only 39 degrees, and when they ran the last just after 6:30, it was still 35 on the BOM.

In fact, it didn’t officially get below 30 degrees on Wednesday until 9:30 at night.

Deadset, they should’ve just bit the bullet and started it at 9am on safety grounds and wrapped it up before 12:30, so the horses aren’t travelling to the track during the hottest part of the day.

What have the owners got to whinge about – Not being able to drown their sorrows?

Son of a God (No.8, Barrier 1) in Race 4 at Ascot (That’s in Belmont), 2:34pm AWST (5:34)

1200m 78+ Rating Happy Birthday Toni Lalich Handicap

Trainer: Simon Miller, Hoop: Chris Parnham, 54kg

Well, he’s the Son of a God

No.8 at Ascot, and it isn’t a 1000m race.

I get the feeling The Gabster would have a wager on this one, assuming Ronnie Sayers gives him a sling, and he’s not betting at the Waterford TAB, because he claims he’s never had a winner there.

So here we go, Son Of A God, probably named after a certain bald former Geelong legend, returns for his first run as a 4-year-old, with his last appearance coming back in July at Belmont, when he took on a certain Windstorm in a Benchmark 72 and ran 3rd after taking up the lead, with Massimo running 2nd that afternoon.

As you may not remember, Windstorm went to Melbourne and proved how crap Victorian horses are by winning the Weekend Hussler on Guineas Day, and Massimo also won a Listed Farnley Stakes in September, so once again, the form is good.

Anyway, Son Of A God warmed up for Boxing Day with a good trial win on the 14th, a trial that featured Misty Metal, he’s recorded 2 wins from 2 starts at Ascot, which is in Belmont, he’s got the good weight of 54kg, and if things work out at the jump, Chris ‘Parnz’ Parnham can use Barrier 1 and just trail the likely leader Ziebell, who is his most realistic threat, but is yet to win at the 1200m, and from there, I’ll completely write off every other horse in the race and watch it backfire on me.

Plus, if I remember anything about Christianity, the Son Of A God usually pops up and makes an impact around this time of year.

Crazy Craig’s Boxing Day Surprise

Craig requested this Christmas classic twice

Ayrton (No.3, Barrier 9) in Race 3 at Caulfield, 1:55pm AEDT

1400m 3YO BM70 Ken Sturt Handicap

Trainers: Mick Price & Mick Kent Jnr, Jockey: Jamie Kah, 57kg

You look at how much Senna fights the McLaren and yet absolutely nails every corner apex

Ho ho ho kids, it’s Crazy Craig, The Boy From Bairnsdale, and let me tell you what I did for Christmas!

In between buying Crazy Colin a voucher for the bottle shop so he’ll hopefully stop stealing MY BLOODY BEER (Fat chance!), I went to the shops and bought a watch for $800, and halfway through watching the shop assistant wrap it up, I suddenly told him I don’t know why I’m buying it, I’ve already got 3 watches!

So I told him to keep wrapping it up, and I decided that if those Mormons come knocking on the door again, I’ll give it to them!

Why the Mormons, Crazy Craig?


Because I’m Crazy Craig, and I’d give a watch to two rabbis if they knocked on my door, because I’m that kind of bloke!

Anyway, I’m turning my eye to Caulfield for the usual Boxing Day meeting,, and I’m looking out for an expat Kiwi horse named after the Patron Saint Of Brazil, the one and only Ayrton Senna, and let me tell you, back in the day I remember seeing Ayrton Senna went from 5th to 1st in one lap during a race – LOOK IT UP, IT HAPPENED!

The four-legged Ayrton didn’t quite go from 5th to 1st on debut at Bendigo two weeks ago, but like Ayrton in that 1993 race, he won by an absolute space – 5 lengths running away after sitting outside the leader!

I couldn’t give a stuff if he’s going from a maiden to Benchmark 70, and he’s got the extreme outside barrier and will likely have to lead, that last furlong was the best of the entire meeting, and he looked like he could’ve gone further!

Ayrton Senna definitely had gears, Mick Kent Jnr reckons this Ayrton has gears, and that’s a good enough dumb conparison for me to make Ayrton my Boxing Day pick of the day!

Merry Xmas kids, I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me Craaaaaaaazy Craig!

Craig, you forgot one thing – The irony of Ayrton being ridden by a Kah.

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