Horse Racing

The Chalk Eaters Guide: 6th February

The WA Government has contained the spread of Pike backing

Clearly he found the worst part of the track finishing like that

Hello once again sickos and welcome back to the always mind-boggling Chalk Eaters, a fairytale land where $4 is considered long odds for a horse, and what a half-enjoyable weekend we have ahead of us, highlighted by the first Group 1 of the New Year – The traditional C.F. Orr Stakes at Caulfield – And if you look at a live camera shot of The Heath, you’ll notice that the connections of Sir Dragonet, led by Ozzie Kheir, are currently performing a rain dance resembling the Nutbush hoping the track gets downgraded to a Soft, or else the Cox Plate winner is probably going to spend the weekend nibbling on carrots.

So on that note, if it is a Good 4 by Race 8, I’d much rather take a horse like Streets Of Avalon for a place at the odds, considering he is a WFA Group 1 winner over the Caulfield 1400m, although his 2nd Up record (2 placings from 7 attempts) is a fart and a half.

Anyway, looking around the grounds, and other feature events on Saturday include the Inglis Millennium meeting at the quagmire known as Randwick, featuring a number of decent 3-year-olds, the Pinjarra Magic Millions meeting is all set to go with WA out of lockdown, and one of the first major lead-up races to the Adelaide Autumn Carnival sees the Listed Birthday Cup at Morphetville.

Now I’m not good with politics or history, but wasn’t it the Birthday Cup that cost John Hewson the 1993 election?

Quite frankly, I don’t give a crap if all of my tips lose, because like most of you, all of my eyes are waiting to find out if my strange ‘mate’ Crazy Craig can pull off the greatest Fourpeat in Australian racing since Zipping won four straight Sandown Classics between 2007 and 2010.

As always with Crazy Craig, there will be confusion…. Lots of confusion.


Regardsmaree (No.7, Barrier 6) in Race 1 at Caulfield, 12:40pm AEDT

1400m BM84 Handicap

Trainer: Nick Ryan, Hoop: Rhys McLeod, 56kg

How do you solve a problem like Regardsmaree?

I never realised everyone in Austria spoke perfect English after the Nazis took over

Despite his name giving you the impression he is a mare, Regardsmaree is a gelding who was with Henry Dwyer up until the end of last year, when he was transferred to Nick ‘Two Names’ Ryan at Caulfield, and the 4-year-old obviously enjoyed that new trainer smell, because he won 2 of his first 3 starts for Ryan, with the odd run out being his 3rd (Beaten by just 0.2L) at The Heath on January 2.

After that run, the old blinkers went back on for his next appearance at home on January 26, and wouldn’t you know it, he won by a comfortable 2.5L over 1400m despite being back and wide against a slow tempo.

This time around, he does jump from 70 grade to an 84 grade race, but he does drop 4.5 kilos on the last start win, and I can’t be buggered looking at Mystery Shot, because unless Lindsay Smith has taken him to ‘The Beach’, he’ll keep looking like your classic 3-year-old who couldn’t hack it in open company.


La Mexicana (No.1, Barrier 2) in the Kevin Hayes Stakes (R5) at Caulfield, 3pm AEDT

1200m Group 3 3YO Fillies SW+P

Trainers: Anthony & Sam Freedman, Hoop: Jamie Kah, 57.5kg

Crap, wrong nationality.

Anyway, the fact that Pinkham has come up $2.35 versus $3.10 for La Mexicana in a Group 3 fillies race seems a bit off, considering La Mexicana has won at Listed grade, and Pinkham only has a debut maiden win at Seymour + a massive trial win, and now goes straight up to Group 3 level at start two.

Who knows, Pinkham might just be that good, but I’d much rather take La Mexicana and dance around the Mexican Hat until I get proven wrong.

Which will probably be at tea time on Saturday.


North Pacific (No.2, Barrier 4) in Race 6 at Randwick, 3:55pm

1200m Group 3 Eskimo Prince Stakes

Trainers: John Hawkes & Sons, Hoop: James McDonald, 58.5kg

The latest four-legged theatrical masterpiece from Rodgers and Hammerstein, the SEQUEL to the iconic South Pacific, and the Golden Rose runner-up…

Just wait until J-Mac starts performing his rendition of I’m Gonna Wash That Man Right Outa My Hair at the 300m.


Piss Poor Perth Punting

To be honest, I don’t know if I should call it piss poor Perth punting this week, considering Pinjarra isn’t a part of Perth, and every Sandgroper would prefer to keep it that way.


Gemma’s Son (No.1, Barrier 2) in Race 9 at Pinjarra, 4:47pm AWST

1200m SW Restricted Listed Magic Millions WA 3YO Trophy

Trainer: David Harrison, Hoop: Paul Harvey, 56.5kg

Well, after 5 days of sitting on our arses, the threat of Pike backing in WA has been contained, and the Pinjarra Magic Millions meeting will go ahead sans crowds with the 150 person venue limit in place, and every degenerate and his pet probably has a certain favourite in the 3YO Trophy as the pick of the day.

GEMMA’S SON.

A colt with the name of my cousin.

Although, unless it pisses down in Sydney on Saturday evening, every WA punter is going to be off watching the Scorchers instead of the feature races at Pinny, and I know that for a fact, because even Mark McGowan knew he couldn’t hold a press conference on Thursday night until AFTER the Scorchers were finished.

“Dad, we’ve got to flick it over, McGowan’s detailing the new restrictions!”

“Not while Jason Behrendorff’s on a hat-trick we aren’t!”

Anyway, Gemma’s Son has a chance to claim a piece of history – He won the 2YO Classic at Pinny last year, and now has a shot at becoming the first horse to win the 2YO and 3YO Classics, and on paper, you’d be performing Nadia Comaneci mental gymnastics to find a horse to beat it.

He’s the highest rated horse in the race (84) by some 17 points, he gets 3 kilos off from his 1st Up run against Island Charm thanks to the set weights, The Pontiff is finally back aboard, and it seems like there’s only one thing standing in the way of David Harrison, no relation to George Harrison, from a piece of history…

THE SPLIT ENZ HORSE – I SEERED ISEERED

When my horse is lining up for start 3, Iseered, Iseered, Iseered!


Crazy Craig’s Lucky Lips Tip Of The Day

I still have no idea how this ****in’ song keeps working…..

Another One (No.1, Barrier 3) in Race 2 at Randwick, 1:35pm AEDT

1200m Class 3 TAB Highway

Trainer: Gary Colvin, Jockey: Tom Sherry (a2), 59.5kg down to 57.5kg

Bonjour friends, it’s Crazy Craig, The Boy From Bairnsdale, pursuing the historic FOUR-PEAT of winning tips, but on a more serious note, I’d like to tell you all that I’m not feeling well right now…

BECAUSE I’VE GOT A CASE OF THE SHITS WITH THAT CONSPIRACY-TOUTING TWIT CRAIG KELLY.

CRAIG, MR KELLY, KNACKERS – THERE’S ONLY ENOUGH ROOM FOR ONE CRAZY CRAIG IN VICTORIA, AND IT AIN’T YOU, SO GO DRINK SOME hydroxychloroquine AND STOP RUINING MY NAME.

Anyway, it goes without saying that I’ve got a lot of pressure on my broad shoulders trying to pick my FOURTH winner in a row for you good people, so on that note, I am ACTIVELY avoiding Caulfield and will instead venture up the Princes Highway to Royal Randwick, and it’s only fitting that I make my pick in the weekly Highway race!

Another One is a gifted low-altitude flyer from Wagga Wagga (You don’t call it Wagga) with 3 wins from 5 starts, whose first go at a Highway at Rosehill in November was one to forget after racing between horses and finishing 6th, but Gary Colvin sent him back to the big smoke just before Christmas for another Highway at Randwick, and young Tommy Sherry planted him up on the speed from a wide barrier and he kicked clear and won!

How crazy is that – He took luck out of the equation and it worked!

This time around, he’s had a tickover trial at home, he’s got the blinkers first time, he’ll definitely handle a wet track, and I imagine Sherry Baby will take him to the head of the field again and give a good go of it, and let me tell you, I hope I’m not hearing Queen from Crazy Colin’s living room at 1:30 tomorrow afternoon…..

Because it will mean that Another One has bitten the dust!

Good luck everyone, and as I say in the classics, I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me Craaaaaaaazy Craig!

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