Based on a series of plausible events in a regional Victorian town

Dartboard Job pick for the Australasian Oaks…. BROOKSPIRE

Well friends, in amidst of all the talk about Melbourne Cup horse welfare reform, Sky Racing split-screening Flemington with boring arse milling behind the barriers at Gosford, and some bloke I went to school with ending up in Federal Court after allegedly swindling $120m from a group of investors, I witnessed something in the Northern Territory that made my sides ache with laughter.

Daniel Jack Smith, aka The Artist Formerly Known As Terry Treichel, copped an 8 year suspension for a slew of betting offences… and providing the stewards with misleading information about what his actual name was/is, making it one of the great stewards inquiries in modern Australian racing.

Unless I’m still day drunk, Terry changed his name by deed poll to Daniel Smith, something he didn’t exactly tell the NT stewards when he submitted his riding license application as Terry Treichel, and next thing you know, he used a couple of bookies to spend the next several months submitting his application to become a pro punter, under the guise of Daniel, while riding as Terry Treichel.

Fair dinkum, there’s that much split personality in the report that it sounds exactly like something Crazy Craig and Crazy Colin would attempt…. I can only imagine the conversation with the stipes:

“Terry, you are aware that under AR115, betting on horses while riding as a licensed jockey is illegal?”

“Well Mr Hensler, as you can clearly see in those betting accounts, it wasn’t me that placed those bets, it was that Daniel Jack Smith character – He’s the guilty one your honour, the one with the accounts.”

“Well that settles things, it appears we’ve got the wrong man!”

So moving on, the Adelaide Autumn Carnival is set to peak with the Group 1 double of the Robert Sangster Stakes and the Australasian Oaks, the standalone Hawkesbury meeting will bore you to tears, as will the Victory Stakes card at Eagle Farm, which looks like being the best chance that a bunch of New South Welshmen will have of winning in Queensland this year, and there’s a Saturday meeting at Sandown, which will probably end up being split-screened for a trots race on Sky 1.

So enough of my garbage, here’s the mysterious mental magician with his PICKS of The Day, set to the dulcet tones of Sir Cliff Richard’s LUCKY LIPS!

Rubisaki (No.11, Barrier 4) E/W in the TAB Classic/Robert Sangster Stakes (AR7) at Morphetville, 3:25pm ACST

1200m Group 1 SWFA Mares & Fillies

Trainer: Patrick Payne, Jockey: Billy Egan, 56.5kg

Hello hello hello strangers, it’s Crazy Craig, The Boy From Bairnsdale, absolutely reeling from two consecutive weeks of arse kickings, but just like the Rolling Stones, I have no idea when to say enough is enough and just bloody STOP!

While you now refocus and picture myself and Crazy Colin as Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, the Sydney Autumn Carnival is finished, and it’s time to follow the scent of Group 1 racing over to Morphetville for the Adelaide Carnival, and let me tell you knackers, it may have been 12 years, but I’m still cracking the shits with those Croweaters FOR GETTING RID OF CHELTENHAM!

IT WAS A GREAT TRACK YOU DICKHEADS, AND SO WAS VICTORIA PARK.

Anyway, there’s 2 Group 1 features to pick from, so I’m taking a keen interest in the old Bob Sangster, named after the madman who was once married to Andrew Peacock’s ex-wife Susan (True story!) and bloody oath, what a shithouse race this is!

The favourite is $6.50, and there’s 12 horses out of the 16 remaining that are within 20-1 odds!

That’s CRAZY close!

Now to me, that suggests that there’s an arse-load of live chances, so I’m doing what I do worst of all, and that’s look for value, and for no reason at all, I’m sticking with my fellow Mexicans Patrick Payne and Billy Egan with RUBISAKI!

She had a good break after a forgettable Spring and resumed in the Bel Esprit at Caulfield a fortnight back, and as Colin would say, if she fell out of a boat, she’d have hit concrete, enduring an absolutely luckless run after drawing wide and getting caught in between runners in the straight when she was screaming out for a run, which meant young William had to peel wide and drop to near last with 100m to go, but she fought on very well and only finished 2 lengths behind Sisstar and Lyre.

Now, I think there could be 3 things that help us out:

1. Her 1200m record is very sound, having recorded 6 starts for 4 wins and a second placing
2. She’s 2nd Up tomorrow, having had 3 starts for 2 wins previously when she’s been 2nd Up
3. I’m not all there, don’t you worry about that

As for the other ladies in the race, they may have Group 1 formlines, but based on one look at them, I reckon they’re all CAMELS, so with a smidgen of improvement and some even luck, I might be licking my lucky lips on Saturday evening, although when it comes to yours truly, I probably won’t be!

So there you go kids, RUBISAKI, MY EACH-WAY PICK OF THE DAY, and now it’s time for my PICK OF THE DAY.

Watch Me Dance (No.3, Barrier 4) in Race 6 at Ascot, 5pm AEST

1500m 78+ Rating Devil’s Lair Handicap

Trainer: Steve Wolfe, Jockey: Shaun McGruddy, 57kg

Now, believe it or not knackers, out of all the places where I could find my pick of the day; Adelaide, some boring Group 2 up in Eagle Farm, the feature Saturday at Hawkesbury, my own state….

I’M MASKING UP AND GOING TO BLOODY PERTH!

Yesssssss, for the first time in a long time, my trusty old mate Mr Alfonse sent me a pick for Ascot, but I’ll be honest, I’ve got no idea where Ascot is, but after looking at my map, apparently it’s in Belmont, and not in Ascot!

Can’t these bloody Sandgropers ever put their racecourses in the actual suburb they’re named after!

Regardless, Mr Alfonse has told yours truly Watch Me Dance, which I don’t want to do because my Spanish friend is a pensioner, but he then had to remind me that it’s the name of the horse who won the WA Guineas, and that this race is her best chance yet of scoring a win in 2021!

So I looked up the form, and it seems she’s gone up against some good mares in the last month and done alright, as evidenced by a 2nd placing to Tycoon Storm, then she ran 3rd behind the high-class Clairvoyance in the Marjorie Charleson, who has gone 6:5-1 in her first 6 starts, then she had no luck last weekend in the Listed Sheila Gwynne, drawing an outside barrier before she got shifted behind a few nags and dropped back to last, then she raced wide from the 500m, and it arguably cost her a shot at victory as Cryptic Love hugged the rail and won, while the filly would ultimately run 3rd after losing a head-bob to Tycoon Storm only 1.5L behind the winner.

Steve Wolfe’s put her on the quick back-up, I would assume this will probably be her last run this prep being 5th Up, and deadset knackers, if she can’t beat this lot of bloody pea-hearted sidewalking crabs, THEY SHOULD MAKE THIS HER LAST RUN ALTOGETHER!

Watch me dance if Watch Me Dance wins, because she’s my PICK OF THE DAY.

I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me CRAAAAAAZY CRAIG!