How to lose a Finals spot 11 seconds before you were FINALLY due to make it to September action after 9 years away, because Carlton decided they wanted to top Essendon’s horror last minute against Collingwood in Round 19.

Step 1, let small forward Jake ‘The Snake’ Melksham, who has cleaned up your defence all night after kicking 6 goals all year, inexplicably take a mark in a 1 vs 3 contest.

Then make what would’ve been a certain goal a certain goal by moving on the mark, giving Melksham his 4th goal and making it a 1 point game with 2 minutes left.

Step 2, have Charlie Curnow take a crucial mark from a clearing kick with 90 seconds left, he then kicks up the field to Harry McKay, and instead of milking the clock or attempting to pin Melbourne deep, the Blues start to panic and immediately produce a crap 10 metre backwards kick to Adam Saad that forces him to kick down the line.

Step 3, panic spoil your own teammate

Step 4, panic spoil a teammate again and Falcon the ball out of bounds with 50 seconds left after having a 3 on 1 that Ben Brown had no hope of winning.

Step 5, watch as Jake Lever’s shanked kick into the middle manages to bounce over Jesse Motlop’s fingertips, leading to Steven May bowling him over and Jayden Hunt charging through and roosting a kick Inside 50…

Step 6, in the further chaos of a ground ball inside Melbourne’s Forward 50 with 20 seconds remaining, witness Kossie Pickett, one of Australia’s deadliest creatures, stay upright for a quarter of a second before Sam Walsh drags him down…

Which is enough time for Kossie to plunge his right boot into the heart of the Blues’ supporter base, sending remotes flying at TVs across the nation.

Step 7, watch the entire Final 2 minutes again, because goodness me it’s just so unbelievable it’s almost funny.

Fun fact, Melbourne would be outside the Top 4 RIGHT NOW without that goal…. Now they’ll be playing for a home Qualifying Final this Friday night against Brisbane at the Gabba, while Carlton fans have to spend a whole week considering a hypothetical scenario that they could be knocked out of a Finals spot by their jilted lovers Collingwood in front of 90,000+ people.

I get the feeling that lady in the Carlton beanie after Pickett’s goal was the personification of every Blues fan:

And the extra step, get on the phone to the QCs to see if they can appeal the outcome 3 times during the week and argue about a lack of procedural fairness.

Actually, if Carlton had their Thursday night legal team defending their Back 50 in those last 2 minutes, they’d probably be in the Finals right now and I wouldn’t even be talking about this.