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Alright friends, strangers and people who just want to abuse Crazy Craig because he can’t tip for shit, it’s the day of the GOLDEN SLIPPER, the richest 2-year-old race in the known universe, and it’s a race so big that with Craig Williams and Jamie Kah sidelined due to injury after that terrible fall last week, ‘they’ managed to get Ryan Moore in from the UK to ride in the race for the Coolmore-owned Shinzo for Chris Waller…

Of course, Ryan didn’t need to steal a wheel of cheese or a loaf of bread to get his ticket to Australia.

As everyone knows, outside of the Slipper there’s a crapload of Group 1s to get through, starting with the Rosehill Guineas, the second leg of the 3-year-old Triple Crown, the Ranvet Stakes, which can now serve as a warm-up for next week’s Australian Cup and/or the Tancred Stakes, the George Ryder Stakes, and the Galaxy, which will feature Uncommon James backing up from the Oakleigh and putting in a shitter of a performance.

On the other hand, if you’re completely sick of Sydney like I am, there’s the All-Star Mile at Moonee Valley, although Melbourne is forecast to be so hot that people are going to be pouring coffee down their pants to stay cool, and on exposed form everyone’s going to have to go gator hunting, because Alligator Blood will start a clear favourite, and anything else like whatever listed race they’ve got going on at Ascot, I simply won’t pay attention to.

So it’s on to Crazy Craig, and I think last week was proof that TBFB is the unluckiest tipster in Australia – His first pick runs 3rd (I Wish I Win) Value Pick runs a great race and finishes 3rd by a nose in a three-way finish, then his Andy Williams Pick proceeds to get beaten by a 21-1 shot…

Which means today, Elvis can piss off considering he didn’t win any Oscars, so here’s some music to warm up for the All-Star Mile!

The Fresh Prince Pick: Bel Air (No.1, Barrier 4) in Race 4 at Moonee Valley (MR4), 2:20pm AEDT

1600m 3YO Xtreme Freight VOBIS Gold Reef

Trainers: Anthony & Sam Freedman, Jockey: Ben Melham, 57kg

Hello hello everybody it’s Crazy Craig TBFB, Scratchie King of Bairnsdale, and watching all my pissant picks run places last week made me think to myself…

I’m so unlucky that if I fell over, I wouldn’t even hit the bloody ground!

Anyway, I am going to find a winner one day, or die trying, and I may just get it by divine miracle in Race 4 in the stinking heat of The Valley on All-Star Mile Day, and I’m going to describe it in the form of a ’90s theme song…

Now, this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I’d like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I’ll tell you how I became the backer of a horse called Bel Air!

In West Bairnsdale born and raised
At the TAB is the where I spend most of my days
Chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’, all cool
And giving away some scratchies outside of the school
When a couple of guys who were up to no good
Started making trouble in my neighborhood
I got in one little fight and Crazy Colin got scared
He said, “You’re going to have to take the No.1 Bel-Air”

So there we go, Bel-Air, another nag who’s bound to run a place!

Personally, this was my favourite scene from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air:

The James Brown Pick: Uncommon James (No.2, Barrier 4) in The Galaxy at Rosehill (SR9), 5:20pm AEDT

1100m Group 1 Handicap Kia Ora Galaxy

Trainers: Steve O’Dea & Matthew Hoysted, Jockey: Damian Lane, 54.5kg

Here’s the comments of Steve O’Dea when asked how Uncommon James would go after his win in the Oakleigh Plate, and if he said anything to his strapper after the race:

I feel good!
I knew that I would now!
I feel good!
I knew that I would now!
So good, so good, I got you!

Wow, I feel nice!
Like sugar and spice!
I feel nice!
Like sugar and spice!
So nice, so nice, I got you!

Horse Named After Former TV Show: Top of the Pops (No.5, Barrier 9) in Race 5 at Ascot (PR5), 3pm AWST

1000m 66+ Rating Quayclean Handicap

Trainer: Dan Morton, Jockey: Chris Parnham, 57kg

Ah yes, Top of the Pops, the show with more disgraced presenters and artists than any other… Jimmy Savile, Rolf Harris, Gary Glitter, Ian Watkins, Dave Lee Travis…

Hopefully the horse goes a bit better, much like David Bowie when he performed Starman!

Crazy Craig’s Coincidence of the Day

In Race 8 at Moonee Valley, there’s a horse called Paris Dior…

While in Race 8 at Ascot, there’s a horse called Baby Paris!

Enjoy your Saturday folks, stay safe, stay negative, gamble within REASON, KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, and remember, I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me Craaaaaazy Craig!