Based on a series of plausible events in a regional Victorian town

Ah, the long weekend of ANZAC Day racing lies in wait, and with a gap in the Autumn carnivals across multiple states, they’re starting to warm up in Adelaide and Brisbane…

Morphetville hosts the listed City of Adelaide Handicap, the Redelva Stakes, and the Group 3 R.N Irwin Stakes, not named after Steve Irwin’s father Bob.

Doomben has a couple of listed races, but the only one anyone cares about is the listed MICK DITTMAN PLATE.

Hopefully the winning jockey gets a whip for a trophy, because that’d be a proper way to honour THE ENFORCER, who, under today’s rules, would get rubbed out for 5 years for the way he used to will horses home with the persuader.

On the other side, the inferior states like NSW and a Victoria are off to the provincials, namely the annual standalone Hawkesbury Gold Cup meeting up in the northwest of Greater Sydney, plus the Mornington Cup meeting at Australia’s most disliked racecourse, and somehow the Cup itself is still a qualifying race for the Caulfield Cup thanks to the MRC.

Fancy that, Mornington and Caulfield, one of them is basically the poor man’s Moonee Valley, and the other is one of the more above average racecourses in Australia.

So now it’s on to Crazy Craig, and I think after last week’s performance of jagging two winners out of three, he deserves a piece of music to match his results, in place of Elvis Presley…

MEAT LOAF WITH TWO OUTTA THREE AIN’T BAD!

P(r)ick No.1: Red Card (No.11, Barrier 10) E/W in Race 5 at Hawkesbury, 1:45pm AEST

1100m BM78 The Lawn Shed

Trainer: James Cummings, Jockey: James McDonald, 55.5kg

Hello hello hello everybody it’s Craaaaaazy Craig, TBFB, Scratchie King of Bairnsdale, and I am FIT AND FIRING after my two winners, and let me tell you ladies and gentlemen, I had my hoof on the till for 3 BLOODY MONTHS just waiting to go bang, and last Saturday was a reward for PERSISTANCE!

Anyway, that was last week, this is the now, and the now says we have to punt at Hawkesbury, because Mornington can go and get FU-

So at Hawkesbury I’m waiting until the middle of the card, specifically Race 5 where there’s a handy little horse in blue resuming 1st Up, just waiting to be sent off by the stewards….

Because her name is Red Card!

In fact, we’ll see if Red Card get sent off for kicking out at another horse…

Because David Beckham managed it in 1998!

The Lionel Richie Pick: It Starts With Hello (No.5, Barrier 3) in Race 5 at Morphetville (AR5), 1:42pm ACST

1400m BM62 Handicap

Trainers: Richard & Chantelle Jolly, Jockey: Jake Toeroek, 61kg

You know why I describe my second pick as the Lionel Richie Pick, given the horses’s name is It Starts With Hello?

Because you know what Starts With Hello….

HELLO by Lionel Richie!

Wait a minute, that doesn’t start with Hello, it starts with I’ve been alone with you inside my mind!

Bullshit, Crazy Colin lied to me!

P(r)ick No.2: Featherweight (No.2, Barrier 7) in Race 9 at Ascot (PR9), 5pm AWST

1200m 66+ Rating Cale Jacobs 40th Birthday Handicap

Trainer: Daniel Morton, Jockey: Luke Campbell (a3), 60kg

I find it somewhat appropriate that a 3-kilo apprentice would be riding a horse called Featherweight…

Although, it would’ve been a bit funnier if it was the bottomweight!

Enjoy your Saturday folks, stay safe, stay negative, gamble within REASON, KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, and remember, I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me Craaaaaazy Craig!