Based on a series of plausible events in a regional Victorian town

Despite the best efforts of ruining an already crap track, we are set for the Magic Millions on the Gold Coast, one of the great spectacles of Australian racing, as the day typically ends with millions spent on dud horses at the sales, alongside more lost millions thanks to more beaten favourites than Flemington on Cup Day…

That’s why they call it the Magic Millions – Because millions magically disappear, as the sales during the week demonstrated.

Actually, on the subject of money going missing, how about that story of John Symons and Sheila Laxon not getting their trainers’ winning share from Knight’s Choice’s Melbourne Cup victory because Racing Victoria deposited it to an old account, sending it down a rabbit hole never to be seen again.

I can sympathise with John and Sheila, I’ve tried getting the WA TAB to deposit money into my account for years, but the bastards always seem to be putting it into the wrong one.

Still on the subject of Flemington, there is a meeting on Saturday in recognition of the National Jockeys Trust, the feature being the Group 3 Standish up the straight, with everyone deserting Sydney for the Millions there’s a race at Wyong, while Ascot, which is in Belmont, hosts the Miss Andretti Stakes, named after one of the best sprinters in the history of Australian racing, who simultaneously held 5 course records across two hemispheres.

See, not even Black Caviar did that.

So it’s on to Crazy Craig, and did you know that Wednesday was the 90th anniversary of Elvis Aaron Presley’s birth… of course, it was also the 90th anniversary for his stillborn twin Jessie, but we won’t get into that yet, so in the meantime, here’s Good Luck Charm:

The Sir Joh Pick: Ser Joh (No.2, Barrier 7) E/W in Race 1 at the Gold Coast (OR1), 12:30pm AEST

1100m SW Magic Millions Maiden Plate

Trainer: Robert Heathcote, Jockey: Martin Harley, 58.5kg

Hello hello everybody, it’s Craaaaazy Craig TBFB, Scratchie King of Bairnsdale, and despite The Cheetah having one of his associates take a crap on the Gold Coast track after a dodgy curry last Thursday night, they will be racing there on Magic Millions day, and it’s great to see, because having a Magic Millions meeting at Eagle Farm just wouldn’t have the same ring to it…

It’d be like hosting the AFL Grand Final in Perth, or Brisbane!

Now, I will be having a peek at the Magic Millions meeting, and we’ll start straight off the top with the Maiden race, because I know myself, Crazy Colin and our Spanish mate Mr Alfonse will be tickled pink with a runner in here, because we’ve finally got a horse named in honour of the distinguished Premier of the Moonlight State…

SER JOH!

Ah, what a plausibly insane human being he was, superbly performed for well over 40 years by impressionist Gerry Connolly, as you can see here:

Wait a minute, that was an actual episode of A Current Affair.

You might be wondering if I’ll be having a ‘pecuniary’ interest in this beloved maiden, well, all I can is that in the words of the man himself…

DON’T YOU WORRY ABOUT THAT!

In fact, after this race we should start a campaign to get him down to Canberra for the Canberra Guineas…. revive JOH FOR CANBERRA!

P(r)ick No.2: Flamin’ Romans (No.5, Barrier 8) in Race 4 at Flemington (MR4), 1:58pm AEDT

2500m BM78 Handicap

Trainer: Ciaron Maher, Jockey: John Allen, 59kg

Flamin’ Romans?

More like FLAMIN’ ROMANI ITE DOMUM!

And if it’s not done by sunrise, I’ll cut your balls off!

The Castle Pick: Rissoles (No.5, Barrier 9) in Race 9 at Ascot (PR9), 5:19pm AWST (8:19)

1200m 64+ Rating Handicap

Trainer: Luke Fernie, Jockey: Chris Parnham, 57kg

“What do call these things again?”

“Rissoles, everybody cooks rissoles darl!”

“Yeah, but it’s what you do with them!”

Enjoy your Saturday folks, STAY DRY, stay safe, stay negative, KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, and remember, I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me Craaaaaazy Craig!