Based on a series of plausible events in a regional Victorian town

Alright folks, the great race of the day is the Group 1 SA Derby at Morphetville, the race that gave Bart Cummings his first major win as a trainer with Stormy Passage in 1958, Hawkesbury hosts its annual standalone Saturday meeting with the Hawkesbury Gold Cup, the Hawkesbury Guineas, the Hawkesbury Crown and the Gold Rush, Bendigo hosts the Guineas and the Golden Mile, which I thought was an Underbelly series when I first saw it, Eagle Farm hosts the Group 2 Victory Stakes and the Queensland Guineas as we get closer to the beginning of the Queensland Winter Carnival, and Ascot hosts the Sires Produce Stakes, which nobody will even notice.

Anyway, fresh off an omen bet WINNER on ANZAC Day, here’s CRAZY CRAIG!

The Trashmen Pick: Surfin’ Bird (No.15, Barrier 14) in Race 10 at Hawkesbury (SR10), 4:45pm AEST

1400m BM88 Clarendon Tavern Handicap

Trainers: Gai Waterhouse & Adrian Bott, Jockey: Zac Wadick (a2), 54kg

Hello Hello everybody it’s Crazy Craig, TBFB, once again the SCRATCHIE KING OF BAIRNSDALE, and what a bloody big win it was by Western Front to raise some money to give scratchies to our veterans of war…

It was either that or piss it away on the pokies at RSLs around the country, because after all they gave their lives so we could drain away our livelihoods into a one-armed bandit for all of time!

Anyway, I’ve got to go off travelling this week, so I’ve got to go for a few favourites since I can’t be arsed looking at the form guides, and we’ll start off with one at Hawkesbury, and it’s a smash hit record from a years ago…

Don’t you know about the bird?

WELL, EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT THE BIRD IS THE WORD!

The Carly Simon Pick: You’re Two Vain (No.12, Barrier 4) in Race 10 at Bendigo (MR10), 4:55pm AEST

1100m BM84 Handicap

Trainer: Alicia MacPherson, Jockey: Cory Parish, 55.5kg

The sequel to the timless classic You’re So Vain…

You’re Two Vain

You probably think this pick is about you!

You’re Two Vain,

I’ll bet you’ll think this pick is about you, don’t you, don’t you, don’t you!

Well I hear you went up to Saratoga Bendigo

And your horse naturally won!

The South Australian Derby Pick: Kaye Jay (No.3, Barrier 12) E/W in AR8, 4:05pm ACST

Sounds like the inverse of Jay Kay from Jamiroquai!

Enjoy your weekend folks, stay safe, stay negative, KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, and remember, I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me Craaaaaazy Craig!