That guide where I eat chalk and back favourites… because that’s what chalk eating is.

There were 114 acceptors at Gosford on Tuesday…. 40 got scratched.

Sure it’s Gosford, but it was a Good 4 track.

Fair to say Big Gaz let us know about that.

Anyway, we’ve got some mega action at The Heath, headlined by the PB Lawrence Stakes, featuring the return of Mystic Journey (Who may feature prominently in this report), the Spring Stakes at Morphetville (Scales Of Justice vs Despatch), and in the Wild Wild West, we’ve got the Belmont Newmarket, and the most picturesque Cup meeting in Australia on the Pearl Coast- THE BROOME CUP!

Word of advice- If you want to bet on the race, it is the quintessential dirt track, so just back whichever horse leads from the jump…. which could be any of the 12 runners.

Age Of Chivalry (No.6, Barrier 5) in Race 4 at Caulfield, 2pm AEST

1400m Benchmark 84 Handicap

Trainer: Matty Ellerton & Simon Zahra, Hoop: Damian ‘Frosty’ Lane, 56kg

Historians claim the age of chivalry died when those silly Europeans realised killing armored knights with sturdy bastard swords was just too much effort, leading to them using gunpowder instead, and wouldn’t you know it, close quarters combat just wasn’t as fun compared to picking off a muppet from 200 yards with a musket.

It hasn’t quite caught on in horse racing, where the Age Of Chivalry is still very much in full swing, and it’s starting favourite at The Heath tomorrow!

Age of Chivalry was cursed 1st Up at the 1200m a fortnight ago, becoming the latest victim of Death Valley’s tight layout, when he was caught on the fence behind the leaders, and by the time ‘Frosty’ had found clear running, he had no answer to the runners out wide that built up momentum, including the winner Usain Bowler.

In both of his runs at 1400m as a 3YO, he finished 2nd in the CS Hayes by a bee’s sphincter to The Inevitable, and 2nd in a photo to a rather good nag in Mr Quickie, who went on to win the Queensland Derby.

Now he goes up to the 1400 again, gets drawn a touch wider, and I’m not even going to bother to look at the form of the runners like Rox The Castle, Shot Of Irish and Smart Elissim, because the Age of Chivalry shall begin again!

Human Nature (No.4, Barrier 11) in Race 6 at Kembla Grange, 3:24pm AEST

1000m BM64

Trainer: Team Hawkes, Hoop: Christian ‘Great Barrier’ Reith, 59kg

When you cross a 90s boy band with Motown, you get Human Nature.

I reckon the last time I put in a tip outside of a major metro meeting was the Kangaroo Island Cup way back in February.

Human Nature has appeared just once before, on the Randwick Kensington track on Easter Monday, leading all the way over the 1000m and beating off Czarson, and his return to the track was a trial at Rosehill last week, and he looked very solid, picking up nicely when Brenton Avdulla gave him a gentle nudge, and indeed, he won that trial by a half length.

This is a massive risk for very little reward, but then again, those five words could be a perfect summary of this guide: Massive risk for little reward.

Still, Human Nature will be there at Kembla, so get ready, because here he comes, and baby, he needs your loving.

Is that enough crap Human Nature-related puns for one segment?

Cryptic Love (No.8, Barrier 3) in Race 4 at Belmont, 1:47pm AWST (3:47)

1400m 64+ Rating Handicap

Trainer: David Harrison, Hoop: Troy ‘Jagsy’ Turner, 55.5kg

It’s a strange phenomenon that I have no stats to back up, but I’m dead certain that in races where you have two horses clearing out the market, the second favourite will beat the favourite more often than not.

So on that note of amazing research, I’m going with the mare Cryptic Love to knock off the in-form Uni Time going for the hat-trick, because my bank account apparently has a death wish.

Last start a fortnight ago, Cryptic Love started from the banks of the Swan River in Barrier 10, and as a result had to shuffle back to stone dead last, conceding a good 8-10 lengths to the leader, before rocketing home in the straight and running an eye-catching 2nd to the comfortable winner Festival Miss.

This time around, she’s got the much better Barrier 3 versus 10, which should allow Jagsy to sit much closer to the speed, and in what looks to be a two horse war between Uni Time and Cryptic Love, if the mare’s turn of foot is half as good as last start, she’s going to be right in the finish once again.

Thy Kingdom Come (No.1, Barrier 1) in Race 8 at Randwick (Kensington Track), 4:20pm AEST

1400m CG&E BM78 Handicap

Trainer: John Thompson, Hoop: James McDonald, 60kg

Thy Kingdom Come, another horse that based on name alone will have the support of the sinning members of the Christian community, just like Happy Clapper in the Winx Stakes next week.

Thy Kingdom Come goes in rock hard fit 3rd Up tomorrow, and ‘JMac’ takes over from Hughie Bowman, and the Kiwi ace has declared the nag as his best ride tomorrow, mainly because he’s got decent record on the gelding: 3 starts for 2 wins and a 2nd placing, and was aboard for his only run on the 1400m Kenso, which was a lazy win by 4.8L in December.

In his last start on the main track at Randwick, he was caught 3-wide with the 60 kegs aboard, and he stuck on alright, but those factors told in the end as he ran 4th by 1.7 lengths to The Party Girl.

He’s carrying top weight once again tomorrow, so on that note, I’m getting down on my knees in front of the altar, and saying thy kingdom will come, for Thy Kingdom Come!

Crazy Craig’s Tip Of The Day

LAYING Mystic Journey (No.11, Barrier 2) in Race 8 at Caulfield, 4:40pm AEST

1400m Group 2 WFA P.B Lawrence Stakes, 4:40pm AEST

Trainer: Adam Trinder, Jockey: Anthony Darmanin, 56.5kg

How’s it hanging knackers, it’s Crazy Craig, The Boy From Bairnsdale, and I’m more excited than Jake Stringer at a high school prom, because GROUP 2 RACING IS BACK AT THE HEATH, and it’s sucked in all the semi-decent jockeys like Bowman and McEvoy!

How crazy is that!

Anyway, I’m making my CRAAAAAZIEST call of 2019, and going AGAINST one of the claimants to the crown of Australia’s best mare and horse, Mystic Journey, in her first start as a 4YO, as she goes for that ultimate shot at a Cox Plate in two months time!

But Crazy Craig, she’s a beauty, and her talent is overwhelming!

Yeeessss I agree, but even money, against the likes of Caulfield 1400m specialist Hartnell, on a probable wet track?

I’ve got to say noooooo way Jose Feliciano, and I’ll prefer to avoid her until next month, and back a runner like Hartnell, who is similar to yours truly, in that we’re both tough old bastards that people seem to love!

Anyway, for now, the Pride of Tasmania, Mystic Journey, is my LAY. OF. THE. DAY.

I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call ME Craaaaaazy Craig!