Horse Racing

The Chalk Eaters Guide: 4th July

If Victoria was a Spice Girl, they’d be Posh… People say it looks good, but it lets the rest of us down.

A big day for the world tomorrow – Obviously it’s the last 4th of July before the United States destroys itself in November, but it’s also the day for both The Derby and The Oaks at Epsom Downs.

Meanwhile, the weirdest piece of racing news this week, aside from Moonee Valley getting put on lockdown:

2-time North Melbourne premiership coach Denis Pagan, master of Pagan’s Paddock, is OFFICIALLY a licensed trainer.

As they say at North, 1 Gold Cup is worth 16 (Getty Images)

He’s got the 126-1 shot Johnny Get Angry in the Listed Taj Rossi Final for the juveniles.

Hopefully it goes a bit better than Pago’s stint at Carlton.

It’s another chapter in the weird crossover of footy and the nags – Former Geelong captain Mark Bairstow and beloved Fremantle pest Hayden Ballantyne are both trainers over here in WA, the legendary St Kilda premiership captain Darrel ‘The Doc’ Baldock had a very successful career as a trainer, owner & breeder in Tassie, especially with Andrias in the Launceston and Hobart Cups, and Kevin Sheedy was a co-owner of Blue Diamond winner & Black Caviar’s sire Bel Esprit.

Of course, another piece of news involving a great of the game:

After 60 years in the game as a Hall of Fame jockey & trainer, Pat Hyland has retired.

Even Prince Charles gave Pat a compliment after he booted home What A Nuisance in the ’85 Melbourne Cup.

Anyway, as a cheap joke, I’m totally avoiding Victoria due to concerns about contracting COVID just from betting at Flemington.


Mr Dependable (No.7, Barrier 3) in Race 4 at Randwick, 1:20pm AEST

1800m Quincy Seltzer Handicap (BM88)

Trainers: Waterhouse-Bott, Hoop: Tim Clark, 54kg

Bloody ironic that anything trained by Tulloch Lodge would carry the name Dependable… Everything they train these days is about as reliable as the WiFi signal in my front room.

Also, I looked up Mr Dependable on Google Images to see if I could slot in a funny photo…. the first result I get is a bloody throbbing 7 inch purple dildo being sold by Pure Romance.

Surprise surprise, it was out stock – Obviously the Yanks need their pleasure while they’re locked in their homes.

Mr Dependable is 3rd Up tomorrow, having showing improvement in both of his runs going up in distance, highlighted by a last start 2nd a fortnight ago, where he gave a good kick from the lead, but was run down by a serve & volleying Agassi.

The 1800m looks good tomorrow, he seems to enjoy the home track of Randwick, he drops in weight and like the typical Waterhouse horse, should be finding the lead from the jump and trying to serve it up to everyone else.


Howlowcanyougo (No.6, Barrier 8) in Race 5 at Murray Bridge, 1:51pm ACST (2:21)

1200m Fibretrack Handicap (BM82)

Trainer: Patrick Payne, Hoop: Todd Pannell, 56.5kg

How low can I go?

Well, I haven’t made jokes about dead kids just yet, but I will crack on Victorians, and bet on crappy provincial South Australian meetings.

It’s become so bad in Victoria that I’ve had to go to Murray Bridge to source my Patrick Payne horse, but it is Patty Payne, so he wouldn’t cross into South Australia via Mount Gambier to run 2nd.

Howlowcanyougo was pretty much unwanted in the market resuming over 1100m at Ballarat, drifting out to start $13, but he very nearly defied the drift, storming from the rear to run 2nd to Can’t Be Done, despite doing plenty wrong in the run, such as a slow start and having to check off heels at the 250m.

The gelding has a very decent record of 4 wins and a pair of runner-up finishes from 8 starts, he goes up 100m, has a 2/2 record 2nd Up, he’s got the soon to be 2019-20 SA Champion Jockey in Todd Pannell and,given Patrick is still the undisputed No.1 on the Payne Power Rankings, he should go very close to winning.


Quantico (No.5, Barrier 2) in Race 7 at Eagle Farm, 3:22pm AEST

1200m G.H. Mumm QTIS 3YO Handicap

Trainer: John O’Shea, Hoop: Andrew Mallyon, 55kg

A hit and run, smash and grab – Whatever you want to call it, John O’Shea is trying to pull it off in Brisbane, with a horse named after a failed American drama show:


Surely, given Quantico was by the mare Hoss Amor, they could’ve had a Bonanza theme to the name?

Pictured: Andrew Bensley enjoying retirement

Quanitco appeared at Newcastle 1st Up a fortnight back, where he drew a wide gate and was subsequently ridden cold by young Tom Sherry, routinely confused for Tom Berry, and despite getting checked and bumped at the start, even with the top weight, he absolutely rocketed down the outside won by close to 3L.

I absolutely love burning myself with lightly raced hype horses massively up in class and poison unders in the market, and that isn’t changing here!


Token Perth Tip

Of course, it’s a big day in the West – The Belmont Oaks, aka the Kay Cee race, and the Aquanita Stakes, named after the champion 1962 Cox Plate winner, who also placed in a Melbourne Cup, and the craziest part of all was that his breeding was so obscure, given his dam was a non-Stud Book horse, that he wasn’t allowed to appear in classic races like the Derbies, and his own progeny weren’t eligible for the stud book.

Of course, let’s just say that Aquanita’s once fine name has been sullied of late…. thanks to a couple of dipshit milkshaking trainers who were given their right whack.


Serenity Bay (No.14, Barrier 5) in Race 10 at Belmont, 4:55pm AWST (6:55)

1600m Crown Perth Handicap

Trainer: G & A Williams, Hoop: W.Pike, 55.5kg


Sure it’s a Pike in the last tip, but I reckon Grant Williams will be shouting this out when Serenity Bay gets called on by The Wizard in the straight:

SERENITY NOW, SERENITY NOW!


Crazy Craig’s Tip Of The Day

Musical hint: Faces look ugly when you’re alone

Seppo music for the 4th of July

LAYING Chapada (No.3, Barrier 3) in Race 2 at Flemington, 12:25pm AEST

2600m Lexus Banjo Paterson Series Final

Trainer: Mike Moroney, Jockey: Daniel Stackhouse, 60kg

Greetings follow quarantine-ees, it’s Crazy Craig, The Boy From Bairnsdale, REPORTING IN from lockdown, and thanks to those dickheads in Melbourne, the Black Death has descended upon the once fine state of Victoria, and now that panic has set in, I CAN’T FIND ANY TOILET PAPER AT THE LOCAL IGA!

GET STUFFED!

Anyway, with Victoria shut off from the rest of the world, I’ve been left to my own devices to attack the card at Headquarters, on what is the day for the FINALS of the Winter Championships!

One particular race has caught my eye – The Banjo Patterson Final, named after the bloke who provided Slim Dusty with hits such as Waltzing Matilda!

As for the race, I’m taking on the favourite, simply because he’s a non-winner, and Lord Beldevere had a thumping win from the back last start that I simply CAN’T IGNORE!

CHAPADA – My LAY. OF. THE. DAY.

I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me Craaaaaazy Craig!

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