Horse Racing

The Chalk Eaters Guide: 2nd January

Helping you kick the year off on a mighty low

Ah yes, the shittiest year in living memory is over, and now it’s time for 2021 to come along and take 2020’s thorny crown, and there’s no better way to start than by picking a loser.

Of course, New Years Day is always the time to run the Longford Cup, held at the oldest surviving racecourse in Australia, The BURRUMBEET CUP, the INVERNELL CUP, the traditional boring arse Standish Handicap at Flemington, plus the Listed Christmas Classic at Canterbury, even though Christmas was so last year, and there’s going to be an on-track atmosphere to rival Uranus with the crowd lockouts.

Then on your ‘Shuper Shaturday’ as Ken Callander would say, Eagle Farm hosts The Buffering and The Vo Rogue Plate, and if a horse doesn’t try and open up a 50 length lead in that race, I’ll consider it an insult to big Vo’s memory, and wrapping it up with a little pink ribbon, over here in Perth, it’s the race that used to be one of the drawcards of the Australian summer of racing….

THE PERTH CUP.

WHIP OUT YOUR ELEPHANT JUICE.

Ah Laurie Connell, his fortunes took a bigger dive than Danny Hobby off that horse at Bunbury in 1983.


Impecunious (No.1, Barrier 9) in Race 1 at Caulfield, 12:55pm AEDT

1400m BM78 3YOF Carol Watson Handicap

Trainers: Trent Busuttin & Natalie Young, Hoop: Damien Oliver, 59kg

Now, time to fire up the Google and see what Impecunious means…

“Impecunious” describes somebody who lacks the money to buy necessities, but it does not carry the connotation of desperation found in such words as “indigent” or “destitute.” Both “pecunious” and “impecunious” derive via Middle English from the Latin pecunia, meaning “money.”

Merriam-Webster, definitely not Susie Dent

Now, if I were to use it in a sentence:

“JT was so impecunious that he couldn’t afford to back William Pike riding the $2 shot in the last at Ascot.”

I’m sold, count me in!


Edison (No.2, Barrier 3) in Race 5 at Randwick Kenso, 3:40pm AEDT

1550m Maroubra Handicap

Trainer: Bjorn Baker, Hoop: Josh Parr, 57kg

The horse named after Thomas Edison may also be a genius based on his last 2 wins, but the light bulb definitely wasn’t going off in Col Hodges’ head when he tried pronouncing Bjorn Baker after another successful raid of Bathurst.

Bjorn Borg, Warwick Farm trainer

Anyway, what the hell is a Maroubra Handicap?

Fair dinkum, are the Bra Boys going to present the trophy to the winning trainer?


Palladas (No.8, Barrier 15) E/W in the Vo Rogue Plate at Eagle Farm (BR7), 4:08pm AEST

1400m Group 3 3YO Set Weights

Trainer: Tony Gollan, Hoop: Michael Rodd, 57kg

Ahead of the Vo Rogue Plate, it’s time for the annual replay of Vo Rogue sweeping Super Impose under the carpet in the Australian Cup.

Anyway, why did I put Palladas as my Each Way play of the day?

I dunno, I’m probably still cast from Christmas night, let alone New Years…


Piss Poor Perth Cup Punting


The infamous 2008 edition… also the last 3200m Perth Cup

Well friends, the Perth Summer Carnival reaches it’s miserable end with the New Years Classic that is the Perth Cup, and to be honest, I thought it was totally inconsiderate of the WA Government to wait until AFTER Princess Jenni got that charter flight over to Perth on Wednesday night to announce the hard border to Victoria was going back up.

True story, Jye McNeil was going to fly over and ride her in the big race, but rather than quarantine for 14 days, he’ll keep parading his golden Melbourne Cup winners trophy around Victoria, and The Pontiff will ride her instead.

WE COULD’VE HAD A MELBOURNE CUP-WINNING JOCKEY IN THE PERTH CUP FIELD.

Oh well, we’ll have to make do with Brad Rawiller.

Anyway, as for the actual Cup, I really don’t feel confident taking Truly Great at $2.20, when he’s got to break a modern Perth Cup weight carrying record just to win the race, and despite a dominant win in the Ted Van Heemst, he’s still yet to run beyond 2200m, and obviously the Cup is at 2400m.

So that said, horses like Neufbosc and Princess Jenni, who both definitely can run 2400m, aren’t foolish bets, but let’s be real, if Truly Great displays a modicum of the class that got him to a Kingston Town win, he’ll drop a fat steaming log on this field, even with Pikey carrying 60kg and the entire Ascot Grandstand.


Mr Delegator (No.4, Barrier 13) in Race 9 at Ascot, 5:26pm AWST

2200m 60+ Graduation Handicap

Trainer: Tiarnna Robertson, Hoop: Brad Rawiller, 58.5kg

Naturally, you’d think that I’d put a Perth Cup selection in, given it is the biggest race of the entire day, but instead of that, or the La Trice, or the Summer Scorcher, I’ve decided to take a look at the second-best staying race at Ascot on Saturday, and as you’d expect, it’s the kind of race that could make drying paint look like Bonecrusher vs Our Waverley Star.

In an even contest on paper, the likely race leader Mr Delegator (3 wins from 8 starts) currently sits at the head of the market on the back of an Ascot win two starts back, and a 5th a fortnight ago after being made to do a bit of work mid-race from the lead, and all told, he did well to stick on until the final 100m, when Adornment finally cleared him and the swoopers bumped him down to that 5th placing.

Of the 4 horses that finished ahead of the gelding, Adornment and Midnight Blue will appear in the Perth Cup, British Bessy went to the ATA Stakes, and Sentimental Queen backs up here, so that’s a decent form reference for this, so expect to see Mr Delegator go to the lead again, wide barrier be damned, and run a solid 4th.


Crazy Craig’s Tip Of The Day

A traditional January 1 song by a bunch of Swedes and a Norwegian

Teribum (No.1, Barrier 1) in Race 8 at Caulfield, 5:20pm AEDT

1100m BM84 Mia Tiernan Handicap

Trainer: Phillip Stokes, Jockey: Jamie Mott, 60kg

Auld Lang Syne yobbos, it’s Crazy Craig, The Boy From Bairnsdale, and let me tell you, 2021 is just 2020 with a 1 on the end!

Why do you say that Crazy Craig?

BECAUSE AT MIDNIGHT, CRAZY COLIN STOLE 2 VBS FROM MY FRIDGE!

LEOPARDS DON’T CHANGE THEIR SPOTS!

Anyway, given it is January 1, would you like to know my New Years Resolution?

No?

Okay, I’ll tell you.

I want to give $1000 to a homeless person…. because it’ll be worth every cent to see the look on their face!

I’ve got 364 days to make it happen, so unless I don’t give that money away to the pokies instead, it’s going to happen.

Anyway, apparently I have to give an astute selection for Saturday, so given us Mexicans can’t cross the northern border or risk infection from those pox-riddled New South Welshmen, I’ll have to stick to Caulfield, and I like the look of the toppie in Race 8 on the back of his monster 1st Up win, which came on the back of a massive trial win!

That was after 2 years of absolutely nothing, which could be a sign that the Teribum who was destined for better things in 2019 is back, and given everyone has a lower opinion of Victorian horses than I do of Crazy Colin’s culinary skills, I have to take Teribum as my pick of the day!

Enjoy your New Year folks, and remember -I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me Craaaaaazy Craig!

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