Based on a series of plausible events in a regional Victorian town

So in the aftermath of the Queen Elizabeth, Verry Elleegant’s owners proposed a $10m for a match race against Addeybb after the Beast From Britain improved his head-to-head record against VE to 3-1.

Do they not realise that Addeybb is owned by Sheikh Mohammed’s brother?

He’s probably seen that sum of cash and gone “Yeah, and?”

Anyway, it’s the time for our national day of commemoration, and in another universe, the Anzac Day weekend would’ve been the time for the annual Saturday metro meeting at Hawkesbury to go alongside the Anniversary Vase at Caulfield, the Chairman’s Stakes at Morphetville and the Mick Dittman Plate at Doomben, but instead, it’s the lucky last Group 1 meeting in Sydney for the Autumn, featuring the WFA All-Aged Stakes and the juvenile Group 1 Champagne Stakes, the race that Ken Callander struggles to pronounce the most.

And we can’t forget the traditional Anzac Day races at Flemington and the inside Randwick track tomorrow, so there’s plenty of races over the next 2 days for the bookies to harvest our organs…

And our wallets, which they’d probably harvest as well, because some of those corporate bookies make Sauron and Voldemort look like benevolent saints.

So enough of my garbage, here’s the mysterious mental magician with his PICKS of The Day, set to the dulcet tones of Sir Cliff Richard’s LUCKY LIPS!

Gin Martini (No.14, Barrier 8) E/W in the G1 Champagne Stakes at Randwick, 2:55pm AEST

1600m Group 1 Set Weights 2YO

Trainer: John Sargent, Jockey: Brenton Avdulla, 54.5kg

G’day folks, it’s Crazy Crazy Crazy Craig, The Boy From Bairnsdale, and let me tell you, I was PISSED OFF after last week’s results.

BLOODY PROBABEEL, SHE HAD A HEART AS BIG AS A PEA, THE USELESS CAMEL.

Fair to say yours truly told quite a few people and/or things to get stuffed on Saturday night, but I’m moving on due to short term memory loss and heading straight back to Royal Randwick for the Champagne Stakes, where I’m sliding straight to the bar and ordering myself an exquisite drink.

GIN MARTINI, SHAKEN, NOT STIRRED!

Yessss, here you all are thinking “Crazy Craig, why the hell are you picking a MAIDEN in a juvenile Group 1, that’s CRAZY talk!”

WELL DUH, I AM CALLED CRAZY CRAIG!

And fancy that knackers, ordering a Gin Martini in a race called the Champagne!

It’s an alcoholic’s dream!

Gin Martini had her third career run in the Baillieu Handicap at Rosehill three weeks ago, where she missed the start by a couple of lengths from the outside barrier, but after cutting the corner, she had the best finishing burst of any horse and wound up 3rd behind Saif and Converge, who won last week, and goes around here!

I would say that form line is holding up, and it’s not like there’s any world-beaters in this field!

Hilal will carry the support of the Islamic community, Captivant looks as plain as a vanilla ice-cream, Converge has the Waterhouse stench, and I’ve got no idea who the other are, probably because they’re all camels!

At the end of the day, the Champagne is the closest you’ll get to a 2-year-old staying race, this filly is bred to be a stayer, and I’m not afraid to go left field and go for GIN MARTINI, my each-way pick of the day…

And it’s also my order please, waiter!

Riddle Me That (No.7, Barrier 5) in Race 8 at Caulfield, 4:30pm AEST

1400m Listed Quality Anniversary Vase

Trainer: Matt Laurie, Jockey: Daniel Stackhouse, 54kg

Aaaand my second pick of the day is down at The Heath, and in a wide open Anniversary Vase, I’ve gone for the horse named after the catchphrase of a Batman villain, on account of his green and black silks…

THE RIDDLER!

So that said, here’s my riddle for you:

Why did Crazy Colin drink one of the beers while he was in the bottleshop?

…. HE WAS THIRSTY!

Anyway, Riddle Me This, Batman, Riddle Me That hasn’t won since the Paris Lane Stakes last Spring, despite the fact he’s bloody well airborne for Andrew Noblet, as shown last start in the Victoria Handicap when he got hemmed in for 300m in the straight, only to flash home and run 4th, only 0.8L behind Mr Quickie, and you could make the case he should’ve been even closer!

Those that backed him at $11 would’ve been spewing like a country drunk after a big night out!

Now knackers, Riddle Me That is 3rd Up tomorrow, and the stats show that he’s been at his best when he builds up the fitness, having 3 previous starts 3rd Up for 2 wins and a second placing, and one of those wins was that aforementioned Paris Lane at Flemington!

Now, don’t get me wrong here, it’s a very open race, and a nag like Still A Star will be right there, as will Missile Mantra after being fired from North Korea, but I’m predicting that the great Dan Stackhouse won’t ride like Dan Shithouse, so in conclusion I say…

RIDDLE ME THIS BATMAN, RIDDLE ME THAT is my PICK OF THE DAY.

Enjoy your Saturday friends, except if you’re in Perth like my mate Mr Alfonse, and remember, I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me Craaaaaaazy Craig!