Helping you kick the year off on a mighty low

Ah yes, 2021, the enormously successful sequel to the shittiest year in living memory is over, and now it’s time for 2022 to come along and complete this hat-trick of horror, and there’s no better way to start than by picking a loser.

Of course, New Years Day, or as we know it, ‘2022 Superspreader Event No.1’, is always the time to run the Longford Cup, held at the oldest surviving racecourse in Australia, The BURRUMBEET CUP, the INVERNELL CUP, while in the big smoke there’s the traditional Bagot Handicap and the Chester Manifold at boiling hot Flemington, Doomben hosts the Magic Millions wildcards with The Shootout, The Nudgee Stakes, The Buffering and the Group 3 Vo Rogue Plate.

If a horse doesn’t try and open up a 50 length lead in the Vo Rogue, I’ll consider it an insult to big Vo’s memory.

Finally, wrapping it up with a little pink disease-covered ribbon, over here in Perth, it’s the race that the McGowan State Government decided to use as a crash test dummy for fully vaccinated crowds over a couple of music festivals….

THE PERTH CUP.

Of course, a few jockeys won’t be featuring due to the double-vaccination requirement, the most notable being William Pike, who was recently dogged by rumours that he’s closer to appearing on Joe Rogan’s podcast (If you get my drift) than getting a COVID-19 prick, although it should be noted that all WA industry participants don’t have to be fully vaccinated until February 5, so they’re basically only missing one meeting…

Which just happens to be a Group 2 that should be a Group 3 at best.

Alright, enough of my crap, because here’s Crazy Craig with his not-so famous Picks of the Day, set to the tones of three Swedes and a Norwegian wishing you a Happy New Year!

Value Pick of the Day: Tiger Heart (No.2, Barrier 2) in the Vo Rogue Plate at Doomben (BR7), 3:48pm AEST

1350m Group 3 Set Weights Magic Millions Vo Rogue Plate

Trainer: Tony Gollan, Jockey: Ryan Maloney, 57kg

Auld Lang Syne you yobbos, it’s Crazy Craig, TBFB, and let me tell you, if 2021 was just 2020 with a 1 on the end, 2022 is going to be 2020 with a 2 on the end!

Same old CRAP, different YEAR!

Anyway, I don’t like to make New Year’s Resolutions, because I always forget them by 12:26am on the 1st of January when I’m 8 cans deep with Crazy Colin, but this year I’ll do something different and make the VALUE Pick my first selection of 2022, and instead of going to a crap joint like Sydney, we’re going to Queensland, where they had a Richie Benaud-esque 2,222 new cases of coronavirus the other day!

If only they’d held off a couple of days, they could’ve had 2,222 cases to start 2022!

But let’s be honest, there’s nothing marvellous about the shitheap Australia has buried itself in, so I’ll do my bit to make things even worse by trying to make a value pick at Doomben, and after 5 minutes of searching, I’ve settled on TIGER HEART in the big race of the day, the Vo Rogue Plate!

What an entertainer Vo was… Out of all the things that made him so popular, we can’t forget that Vic Rail always ran him bare-footed!

Unheard of these days!

Anyway, I’ve gone for Tiger Heart, who looked like he needed the run in the legs 1st Up in the Gold Edition at Eagle Farm, although that was the least of his problems that day, because he jumped poorly and had to be stoked up from the 1200m, got caught in restricted room in the straight, and after that he just didn’t finish the race off.

However, that was at Eagle Farm, whereas they’re off to Doomben to start the New Year, Ben Thompson jumps off and Ryan Maloney jumps on, he’s drawn Barrier 2 again and maps to get a decent run, but that will probably mean stuff all because speed maps are full of crap, but if Tiger Heart gets a bit more luck this time around, he should at least run 5th against a decent bunch of horses, because he’s my VALUE PICK OF THE DAY!

Hang on, do they even pay out for 5th?

I hope they do, or I’m rooted!

Pick of the Day: Chantorque (No.5, Barrier 6) in Race 10 at Ascot (PR10), 5:20pm AWST (8:20)

1200m 72+ Rating Crown Perth Handicap

Trainer: Russell Stewart, Jockey: Shaun McGruddy, 57.5kg

On to the Pick of the Day over in Ascot, which is in Belmont, and apparently it’s Perth Cup Day over in the West where my mate Mr Alfonse lives, but do you think I’m going to bet on the bloody Perth Cup?

Hell no I’m not!

Although, after a couple of ales I might say yes!

So that said, I might just wait until the laaaaast race on the card in Australia for New Year’s Day, which is some kind of a sprint down the riverside, and I’m taking a horse who’s displayed some decent form of late in Chantorque, which sounds like some kind of a thing you use to get nuts off a car!

Yes, a torque wrench is something you use to tighten or take nuts off a car….

While a Chantorque is something you use to take money from bookies!

Look at me, I’m Crazy Comedian Craig!

Getting back on topic, Chantorque’s last 2 runs have been a 3rd placing in the Listed Jungle Dawn (At $14) behind Angelic Miss, and a fortnight back in a Benchmark 78 at Ascot, she jumped at $20 and was dragged back to last from the wide gate, and wound up charging home to run a superb 2nd behind The Spruiker, who was ironically ridden by Shaun McGruddy, who jumps back aboard Chantorque on Saturday, having ridden her in all 5 wins she’s enjoyed thus far!

It’s a small world, afterall!

Obviously Chantorque does have to carry an 3.5kg dropping back from a 78 to a 72, but he’s got a much better Barrier in 6, which should allow the mare to settle a bit closer this time, and as I’ve alluded to, the big key is the edition of ‘Shooter’ McGruddy, who should be able to get the War Chant mare to settle down and charge home as she’s done many times over!

As for the others, I couldn’t give a rodent’s rectum about them, because Chantorque is my PICK OF THE DAY.

The Random Elvis Presley: Looks Like Elvis (No.5, Barrier 11) in Race 8 at Flemington (MR8), 2:20pm AEDT

1400m Listed Chester Manifold Handicap

Trainer: Jarrod Austin, Jockey: Luke Currie, 56kg

A little less conversation a little more action,
All this aggravation ain’t satisfactioning me,
A little more bite a little less bark, a little less fight and a little more spark,
Close your mouth and open up your heart and baby satisfy me,
Satisfy me baby!

Enjoy your New Year folks, stay safe, stay negative, KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, and remember, I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me Craaaaaazy Craig!