Based on a series of plausible events in a regional Victorian town

So it’s the 2022 Election Day races, and while all kinds of tomato sauce favourites roll in across the polling booths of Australia, all kinds of four legged favourites will be rolled across the country on what is destined to be another blood-soaked Saturday, especially with a grand total of 9 Group races across the country, primarily centred around the Group 1 double of the Goodwood Handicap at Morphettville to end the Adelaide Carnival, 10 years on from Black Caviar winning the race, and the Doomben Cup (Aka the Zaaki Retirement Fund) at some track next door to Eagle Farm.

You know what my favourite fact about the Doomben Cup is?

Might And Power won the race in 1998 when it was run over the old 2020m, and his winning time was 2.00.530.

To this day, that is still a faster time than the current Doomben 2000m track record, which is 2.00.960 by Real Love on May 14, 2016.

That’s how freakish Might And Power was.

Still, I doubt they’ll be smashing any kind of track records at Doomben on Saturday with all this foul weather striking the South East, and moving on from that, the other main pieces of action come from Flemington for the time-honoured Straight Six race, and Rosehill hosts the Lord Mayor’s Cup, and I think we can take bets on what Rosehill’s track rating will be…

The current prediction is between a Heavy 8 and a Heavy 8.

So it’s on to Crazy Craig, and last week he received a comment that said “Your not a very good tipster”, which was obviously written by someone from Queensland, to which I had to leap to Craig’s defence and point out in the Review that he is a schizophrenic and a regular lunatic whose presence on a public forum is questionable, but the hilarious part was, after that comment was made, his Random Donovan Pick went on to win at Belmont….

SO COME ON DOWN, NOT A VERY GOOD TIPSTER, BECAUSE YOU’VE GOT LUCKY LIPS!

Value Pick: Oscar Zulu (No.8, Barrier 4) E/W in Race 6 at Doomben (BR6), 2:38pm AEST

1350m Group 3 Tab BRC Sprint

Trainer: Chris Waller, Jockey: Leith Innes, 54kg

Hello hello everyone, it’s Craaaaaazy Craig TBFB, and believe it or not knackers, I was going to run for the Senate this year under the banner of Crazy Craig’s Scratchie Party, in which everyone would receive a free scratchie to use on Christmas, because everyone needs a government handout…

Then I realised that spam artist Craig ****in’ Kelly had stolen my thunder on the whole Crazy Craig thing!

BASTARD!

Anyway, this week I’ve been in Crazy Colin’s garden stealing the last of his tomatoes, which I then sold at the farmer’s market to get the money to buy a few more scratchies to give away to the down on their luck, so I’ve got credits in the karma bank, and I’m going to use them at Doomben tomorrow to back a luckless Irish nag trained by the one and only C.Waller….

No, it’s not Robbie Dolan, it’s OSCAR ZULU!

Oscar Zulu goes up to Queensland after a bloody battle at Gosford, resulting in the deaths of 400 red coats and Sir Stanley Baker, and all I’ll say about that run in the Takeover Target is that Oscar Zulu’s luck was somewhere between BUCKLEY’S AND NONE!

He was building into the race on the turn, and the next thing you know, all he could see in the straight was equine ARSE!

So he finished in 8th, 4 lengths off Blondeau, when reality showed he should’ve been at least 3 lengths closer, and for whatever reason, I think he’s got another run like that in him 2nd Up, and all the signs are there:

– He’s got 2 wins on Heavy tracks from 4 starts

– He’s won 2nd Up before

– Barrier 4 is no negative

– Queensland horses are camels with their hooves painted brown

– And I’m not all there, don’t you worry about that!

So from the good gate, hopefully Leith Innes can get him to settle midfield and have room to run in the straight, and lord willing, he’ll be finishing near enough to the Top 3, or else I’m going to have Crazy Colin throwing things at my windows!

There you go, OSCAR ZULU, my VALUE PICK OF THE DAY.

Pick of the Day: Tuvalu (No.13, Barrier 9) in Race 8 at Flemington (MR8), 4:05pm AEST

1600m BM100 TCL TV Handicap

Trainer: Lindsey Smith, Jockey: Jarrod Fry, 53kg

On to the Pick of the Day, and this week I’m going back to Headquarters to pick a horse named after an island people think that Enya mentioned in ‘Orinocco Flow’….

TUVALU!

Yes knackers, Tuvalu was never mentioned in that bloody nauseating song, it was Bissau, Palau, Bali, Cali, Fiji, Tyree and for all I know, Christmas Island was on there!

Anyway, Tuvalu had a 3 month freshen up after running 2nd at Flemington in February, returning for the time-honoured event known as the Warrnambool Carnival, and rather amazingly he won 1st Up, amazing in the fact that he’d never won on a rain-affected track, and as always, that ‘Bool track was a Heavy 20!

Obviously Darren Weir’s magic sauce is still flowing through the veins of the Warrnambool locals!

So off the back of that 1st Up win, Tuvalu, touted as a Group-quality horse, makes the big jump up in class as he goes up to the Flemington Mile, the scene of his most recent defeat back in February, when he finished 2nd and was beaten stupid by Gentleman Roy to the tune of 3.75L, in a performance that was described as one-paced, leading to his 3 month break.

Obviously he’s got a few more things going his way this time around, including dropping 2kg down to 53kg, the middle barrier probably won’t pose many issues as he can find a way to cross, Jarrod Fry stays aboard, and the most important detail of all….

It’s Unlucky Number 13, jumping out of Lucky Barrier 8…. What could go wrong?

So there you go, TUVALU is my PICK OF THE DAY.

Random Bob Geldof Pick: Irish Angel (No.3, Barrier 11) E/W in Race 8 at Rosehill (SR8), 3:05pm AEST

1200m Fillies & Mares BM78 Handicap

Trainer: Chris Waller, Jockey: Hugh Bowman, 60kg

Alright knackers, I know that out of all the Irish people I could’ve used, the most questionable person to call an angel was Bob bloody Geldof…,

Especially because he’s some kind of Golden God in Africa!

Enjoy your Saturday folks, stay safe, stay negative, KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, and remember, I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me Craaaaaazy Craig!