Based on a series of plausible events in a regional Victorian town

So the Spring Carnival rolls on through the Queen’s mourning period, and while Gai Waterhouse flies off to the funeral, the weights for the Caulfield Cup & Melbourne Cup have been released, with Spanish Mission topping the pile at 58kg despite being winless since May 2021, which should tell you how dour this year’s Cup field is, Mr Brightside got 56.5kg for the Caulfield Cup, Duais got 55.5kg, current Melbourne Cup favourite Deauville Legend is at 55kg, while 2019 winner Vow And Declare got 54kg, having turned into a total non-winner since his Cup victory.

On another totally random note, RWWA announced the Perth Spring Carnival is being renamed “The Pinnacles”, a clever way of including a West Australian natural icon, while they also announced a series of Autumn slot races for the gallopers, the dishlickers and the trots, each with a West Australian-themed name.

The Nullarbor for the trots at Gloucester Park on April 14, worth $1,000,000, The Sandgroper at Cannington that same night, worth $500,000, and the pride and joy is the $4,000,000 The Quokka at Ascot on April 15.

Yes, the first horse race in the history of WA racing worth more than $2,000,000 dollars, and they name it after a ****ing quokka.

If you ask me, RWWA have stuffed it up – The Sandgroper should be the horse race, and the greyhound race should be renamed after something four-legged and truly West Australian, The Red Dog.

It was sitting right there and they completely missed it.

Now, while the Newcastle Gold Cup goes around today, Saturday’s racing sees some races with great character, like the Pink Ribbon Cup at the Gold Coast and the Mount Magnet Cup, but more importantly it’s the first day of dual Group 1 racing at two tracks this Spring, with the George Main at Randwick featuring the clash of Anamoe against Zaaki…

And the Sir Rupert Clarke Stakes at Caulfield, where the current favourite is the second emergency for Peter Moody named I Wish I Win, who at present should be called ‘I Wish I Get A Run’.

So it’s on to Crazy Craig, fresh off finally picking a winner, and this week Craig sent an email to myself and my communications master Mr Alfonse, declaring that after 2 years with Cliff Richard’s mind-numbing cover, he’s requested a new theme tune on a similar theme to Lucky Lips, and he had one song in mind…

GOOD LUCK CHARM by the one and only King, ELVIS PRESLEY:

Pick of the Day: Aft Cabin (No.2, Barrier 6) in Race 4 at Caulfield (MR4), 2:10pm AEST

1400m 3YO Group 3 Caulfield Guineas Prelude

Trainer: James Cummings, Jockey: Jamie Kah, 56kg

Hello hello hello folks it’s Craaaaaazy Craig TBFB, Scratchie King of Bairnsdale, and a few weeks ago I had the sad news that a mate of mine had died, promoted to glory as the Salvos would say, and before he died he’d told me he was going to gift his $3,500 ticket on Brisbane to win the Premiership to his wife…

Well, before the ticket even got to her, rather unexpectedly she too had been promoted to glory, so the card and the ticket were given to her daughter, who this week decided she didn’t fancy the Lions’ chances against the Cats tonight and gave the ticket to me!

So don’t worry, I’ll find a way to get rid of it, I might even buy $3,500 worth of scratchies, but in the meantime, I’ll have to find another winner in case Brisbane get spanked and the ticket goes up shit creek, so we’re going to Caulfield to pick a horse I selected a few weeks ago, and watched as it gave everyone except the winner a bad case of windburn….

Now, I best ask you a question.

If you’ve got an Aft Cabin, what are you doing?

Sailing.

And who was Sailing?

ROD STEWART.

AFT CABIN – MY PICK OF THE DAY…. AND ROD STEWART, MY MUSICAL PICK OF THE CENTURY.

Value Pick: Smokin’ Romans (No.13, Barrier 12) E/W in Race 6 at Caulfield (MR6), 3:35pm AEST

2000m Group 3 Quality MRC Foundation Cup

Trainers: Ciaron Maher & David Eustace, Jockey: Ethan Brown, 54kg

2nd last start, 3rd Up now with race fitness on his side against his key rivals, stays at the 2000m…

If the little legionnaire doesn’t run in the Top 3, then I can simply picture the graffiti that the punters will coat around Caulfield:

“Hail Caesar, and if it’s not done by sunrise, I’ll cut your balls off.”

The Richie Benaud Pick: Benaud (No.9, Barrier 10) in Race 9 at Randwick (SR9), 4:35pm AEST

2000m Group 3 Furphy Kingston Town Stakes

Trainer: John O’Shea, Jockey: William Pike, 55kg

3rd Up after flashing home to finish 4th in the Chelmsford on a bog Randwick track that was utterly disgracefully biased towards front-runner, stepping up to the CHEW-thousand metres….

I just wonder why they couldn’t give him his choice of Cream, Bone, White, Off-White, Ivory or Beige silks, with saddlecloth Twenty-Chew?

Enjoy your Saturday folks, stay safe, stay negative, KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, and remember, I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me Craaaaaazy Craig!