Based on a series of plausible events in a regional Victorian town

Well friend and strangers, here we are for one of the best days of the entire year, Caulfield Guineas Day at Caulfield with Group and Listed racing galore, highlighted by the 3 Group 1s on the card; the feature Caulfield Guineas, the Might And Power (Formerly the Caulfield Stakes), which appears to be another Cox Plate form reference, and the Toorak Handicap over the mile, named after the neighbouring Melbourne suburb which put the capital S in ‘Suburb full of rich privileged wankers’..

Meanwhile north of Wodonga, this used to be the weekend for the last Group 1 race of the Sydney spring with the running of the Spring Champion Stakes, but that’s now been moved to Cox Plate weekend (October 22), so all we’ve been left with is some pissy little Group 2 named after Roman Consul, plus an inferior Silver Eagle.

Not that the racing anywhere will be any good this week, because even Stevie Wonder could see it’s absolutely pissing down across the south east of Australia, resulting in Heavy track form everywhere you turn, and the added problem we’ve found is that the field for the Caulfield Guineas is utterly ordinary, with 13 runners having had 5 or fewer career starts (Only 3 winners in the last 30 years have had fewer than 5 starts), and the highest rated horse in the race is an 86.

Yes, the Caulfield Guineas is basically a 3-year-old Benchmark 86 in a Group 1’s clothes.

Other highlights this weekend include the Queensland Cup at Eagle Farm, and the Queensland Cup was something Sir Joh used to drink with at Kingaroy, the Hill Smith Stakes at Morphetville, which usually seems to have a winner that goes on to run during the Melbourne Cup Carnival, and over here in Mark McGowanville, Ascot is back once again for the Spring & Summer of racing, and this week’s feature country cup sees us go to…

Moora Moora Moora, how do you like it, how do you like it!

Funnily enough, one of the blokes I bowl with at Manning (Ian White) will be presenting the winner’s trophy for the LL White Memorial Sprint at Moora, on behalf of the White family.

So it’s on to Crazy Craig for this weekend’s selection, and week after week appears his switch from Lucky Lips to Elvis Presley’s Good Luck Charm was just about his best pick of the entire year, because he’s hit an almighty purple patch of winners, among them a pair of Value Picks, so keep going well you utter lunatic!

Pick of the Day: I Wish I Win (No.5, Barrier 13) in the Toorak Handicap at Caulfield (MR9), 5:10pm AEDT

1600m Group 1 Handicap

Trainer: Peter Moody, Jockey: Luke Nolen, 54.5kg

Hello hello everyone, it’s Craaaaazy Craig TBFB, Scratchie King of Bairnsdale, and how good am I going, picking Value winners for fun of late, although the one downside to all this success is my dickhead mates like Crazy Colin keep bloody calling me asking for winners like I’m some kind of pay day lender, and it’s cutting in to the limited time I have to buy scratchies for the down on their luck of Bairnsdale….

So I cracked the shits, told them all to piss off, and changed my number!

Try calling me now Colin, you utter knob!

Now, in a bid to keep this good news van trundling along, we’re heading back to the rain-soaked, wind-swept craphole they call The Heath, and after tossing up between the Might And Power and the Toorak Handicap, I decided to go for the Toorak, because I think we can land our Pick of the Day with the rising winner of the Testa Rossa from a fortnight ago….

I WISH I WIN!

You don’t need to wish you win when you can bloody well know you can go out and do it, and that’s exactly what Peter Moody’s New Zealander from New Zealand has done in two starts since crossing the Tasman, winning easily by 4 lengths at Caulfield 1st Up before going to the Testa Rossa off the month’s break, and he came straight over the top of them to win by a length!

Obviously there’s some genuine Heavy trackers in the field like a certain Warrnambool trudger called Tuvalu, who would otherwise have Buckley’s chance if the track were Soft, and another roadblock that may appear is that I Wish I Win has drawn wide, but you know what I say to that?

WHO BLOODY CARES if he’s got a wide draw, the track’s going to be that wet that they’ll go wide anyway, it’s the classic combination of Luke Nolen riding for Peter Moody, he’s got a damn good weight, so all I can say is…

WHAT COULD GO WRONG?

I WISH I WIN, MY PICK OF THE DAY.

Value Pick: Grand Promenade (No.1, Barrier 3) E/W in Race 5 at Caulfield (MR5), 2:35pm AEDT

2400m Group 2 Herbert Power Stakes

Trainers: Ciaron Maher & David Eustace, Jockey: Mark Zahra, 59kg

Alright alright, you’re probably thinking “Crazy Craig, why the **** would you put Grand Promenade in, he’s 2nd Up and hasn’t done anything!”

Well knackers, I’ll give you a couple of very simple reasons.

HE’S TRAINED BY MAHER & EUSTACE, ONE OF THE BEST STABLES FOR STAYERS IN AUSTRALIA….

Not that staying racing in this country is much chop.

Further to it, Maher & Eustace have got one more fancied runner than Grand Promenade in the race – Persan.

Now, what’s that theory about trainers having two horses in a race and the less-fancied runner winning?

EXACTLY.

VALUE. PICK.

Absolutely Unnecessary Perth Pick: River Beau (No.3, Barrier 2) E/W in Race 7 at Ascot (PR7), 3:45pm AWST (6:45)

1000m 72+ Rating Schweppes Handicap

Trainer: Bruce Watkins, Jockey: Steven Parnham, 60kg

River Beau racing at Ascot…

They should call him Swan River Beau!

Anyway, it’s a war of the speed freaks over the 1000 metres in the 7th at Ascot, with Olga Louisa and Mervyn prepared to kill each other straight out of the gates, and you know who’s going to be slotting in straight behind the both of them ready to capitalise like Qantas waiting for a small airline to fold?

RIVER BEAU.

Enjoy your Saturday folks, stay safe, stay negative, KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, and remember, I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me Craaaaaazy Craig!