Based on a series of plausible events in a regional Victorian town

That’s right friends, weirdos and people I’ve never met, it’s the first Tuesday of November, and the time has arrived for the 162nd Melbourne Cup, the race that apparently once stopped the nation, only because it was 1930, Phar Lap was bigger than Bradman, and everyone was unemployed because of the Great Depression.

Of course, this year’s race, which looks as terrible as Keith Richards on ketamine, will mark 20 years since one of the greatest Melbourne Cup stories ever told, one that they quite literally made into a shithouse movie – Damien Oliver, just a week after brother Jason died due to injuries sustained in a trackwork accident in Perth, rode the Irish raider Media Puzzle to a quite outstanding victory for Dermot Weld, saluted the heavens as he crossed the line, then the next day, Ollie hopped on a plane home and attended Jason’s funeral, and stuck the Cup on his coffin.

And 20 years later, Ollie is sitting on the outer of the Cup because of Durston being scratched on the Vet’s orders.

The same could be said for James McDonald, 2021 Cup winner and the most in-form jockey in the Southern Hemisphere, yet he won’t get a ride thanks to Loft being scratched by the vet.

Now, it’s a scientific fact that 90% of people usually only give a crap about the Melbourne Cup on Cup Day, and you instantly realise that these people are your classic TAB nuffies, because there’s about 4000 races nationwide on Tuesday to strike pay dirt in, the highlight being the inaugural edition of The Big Dance at Randwick, and chances are you can get a winner in at least 2 of the said 4000 races.

So given this is the biggest day of the year, I’ve solicited messages to the two plausible characters who have disgraced themselves in the Pick of the Day over the past year – ‘Crazy’ Craig and his mad mate Crazy Colin, and we’ve organised a special one-off Crazy Picks of the Day, and the word I’ve received from my mate Mr Alfonse is that the Crazies have claimed that if Deauville Legend doesn’t win the Cup as the shortest priced favourite since Methuselah was in nappies, then they’ll both go down to the Bairnsdale shops in their pyjamas and start singing Elvis Presley’s least known hit…

GOOD LUCK CHARM.

However, they’re both insane, so I’d say it won’t happen even if Deauville Legend doesn’t go a yard on the expected bog at Flemington, and finally lands in a muddy hole at the Clock Tower.

Now before we begin, I do have to provide my own Cup tip, and I don’t want to because my Cup record is appalling, with something close to 1 win in the last 17 years, so I’ve resorted to place bets on the Cup, which did work with Tiger Moth in 2020 and only just failed last year with Floating Artist running 4th, so without any further ado, this year’s Cup place bet…

No.6 Without A Fight, because the Barrier 18 curse means Jacques Merde now!

Crazy Craig’s Crappy Crazy Cup Collection

Pick of the Day: Circularity (No.7, Barrier 3) in Race 6 at Eagle Farm (BR6), 3:23pm AEST

1200m BM75 Makers Mark Handicap

Trainers: Richard & Will Freedman, Jockey: Samantha Collett, 57.5kg

Hello hello hello everyone it’s Craaaaazy Craig, TBFB Scratchie King of Bairnsdale, back for another utterly frozen edition of Melbourne Cup Day, and I best start off by addressing my recent poor performances on both Cox Plate Day and Derby Day on Saturday, and I have prepared the following statement.

Derby Day?

What Derby Day?

I was asleep for most of Saturday, what did I miss?

I think the recurring problem is that I’ve run short of cash to buy scratchies for the down on their luck folk of Bairnsdale, and as a consequence, I’m short on good karma and my place returns and my wins have dried up faster than 1980s Central Australia!

Anyway, I’d best get back on the horse and go and unsuccessfully hunt down a winner somewhere across Australia on Cup Day, and I figured we’ll wait until a bit later in the day to find my POTD, running up in the haunted land of Eagle Farm, and there’d be few families better than the Freedmans at finding a winner on Melbourne Cup Day, given Lee has only won the great race 5 times!

So Richard & Will Freedman have Circularity running 2nd Up in Race 6, and she resumed in good order over the 1000 metres charging home late behind the dominant winner Le Palmier, now she goes up to the 1200m, drops back in class and rises in weight as a consequence, Samanatha Collett stays aboard, everything in the race has got a HEART AS BIG AS A PEA…

I’m sold, PICK OF THE DAY, and as they say, what could go wrong besides everything!

Value Pick: Field of Flutes (No.11, Barrier 2) E/W in Race 5 at Flemington (MR5), 1:20pm AEDT

1000m 3YO The Schweppervescence Plate

Trainers: Ciaron Maher & David Eustace, Jockey: John Allen, 57kg

UPDATE: SCRATCHED, REPLACED BY NO.5 ALPHA FLIGHT

On to the Value Pick for Cup Day, and the big question is how much rain will fall in Melbourne on Tuesday, because if there’s somewhere between ‘a piddle’ and ‘an arseload’, then a good number of horses will be brought right back into play against the four-legged orchids of the world!

So on that note, I’m going to the first half of the Flemington card, more specifically the bloodbath that awaits in Race 5 with it looking like $7.50 the field, and I’ve settled on a confirmed swimmer in Field of Flutes, who ran 2nd on the ill-fated Manikato Stakes night at The Valley behind Fission, and you know what was a great song with a field of flutes?

Moondance by Van ‘The Man’ Morrison!

Remember folks, especially on a day like Melbourne Cup Day, do not EVER be afraid to hunt for value, because even if it completely blows up in your face 99 times out of 99.5, there’s always that 0.5 of a time that you’ll strike gold and only end up losing 80% of your original outlay, instead of 90%!

You’ve got to find ways to turn negatives into positives, a common theme through the last 2 years of humanity, and quite honestly, I find backing favourites all of the time to be as bloody boring as staring at a Scotch Finger for 20 minutes!

Why?

BECAUSE I’M CRAZY BLOODY CRAIG, THAT’S WHY.

Crazy Colin’s Crappy Crazy Cup Collection

Pick of the Day: White Marlin (No.7, Barrier 5) in Race 2 at Flemington (MR5), 11:20am AEDT

2800m BM96 The Macca’s Run

Trainers: Gai Waterhouse & Adrian Bott, Jockey: Tim Clark, 56kg

Hello folks, Crazy Colin reporting in ahead of Cup Day, and I’m looking forward to NOT singing a ****in’ Elvis song on Wednesday, because myself and Crazy Craig are whelmed by the thought of Deauville Legend becoming the second Cup favourite in the last 17 years to actually win the race, don’t you worry about that!

Now, I’m fairly sure I had a Pick in the Macca’s Run at Flemington last year, and I mentioned that a race name like The Macca’s Run for a 2800m race confuses me, because let’s be honest, if you’re trying to run 2800m to a McDonald’s, you should probably be bloody driving instead!

To be honest, I’d rather go fishing on Tuesday morning, and as Crazy Craig steals my tomatoes (Arsehole!) while I’m casting out my rod into Jones Bay, you know what I’ll be landing as a catch of the day?

A NICE BIG WHITE MARLIN THAT’S SWUM ALL THE WAY FROM IRELAND.

Pick of the Day, thankyou very much, ‘cause Crazy Colin said so!

Value Pick: Casino Kid (No.14, Barrier 6) E/W in the Big Dance at Randwick (SR5), 2:20pm AEDT

1600m Quality

Trainer: Jan Bowen, Jockey: Grant Buckley, 52.5kg

While Flemington rages on, Pistol Pete is continuing his counter programming crusade on the Spring Carnival with the inaugural running of The Big Dance, which is apparently half as good as the Melbourne Cup, as evidenced by the fact it’s 1600 metres and Frankie Dettori came from Europe to ride in it.

The most famous jockey in the world, and yet he’s only ridden an estimated 2 winners in Australia in 32 years!

I’m pretty sure Jim Crowley came to Australia in the 2018 Spring Carnival, rode just as many winners in 7 days, buggered off home, and hasn’t come back!

Now, I’ve lined up all the darts against the board and prepared to toss down a big 180, and after chucking down a 35 instead, I landed on…

Casino Kid?

What is this, Ocean’s Eleven?

Irregardless of the fact he could be George Clooney, Casino Kid would probably prefer it to be a bit wetter in Sydney, a sentiment not shared by 99% of Sydneysiders after this spring weather, but there’s a few positives that might get him into the placings:

– His form at the Randwick mile is sound (1 win and 2 seconds from 4 starts),

– His form this prep is darn good with 2 wins and 2 seconds + a 4th from 5 starts

– Grant ‘William’ Buckley goes on with a lightweight of 52kg against the big hitters like Hosier and Sibaaq

So yes, I’m insane enough to include Casino Boy as a Value pick, and now that my lunatic hands are on him, he’s probably going to get his head stomped in, because when it comes to Casinos…

THE HOUSE ALWAYS WINS.

The Random Rupert Holmes Pick: Rockin’ Rupert (No.5, Barrier 12) in Race 7 at Ascot (PR7), 3:48pm AWST

1200m 0MWLY 60+ Furphy Handicap

Trainers: Sean & Jake Casey, Jockey: Laqdar Ramoly (a), 57kg

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
If you’re not into yoga
If you have half a brain
If you like makin’ love at midnight
In the dunes on the cape
Then I’m the love that you’ve looked for
Write to me and escape!

Enjoy your Tuesday folks, STAY DRY, stay safe, stay negative, KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, this has been Crazy Craig and Crazy Colin saying don’t let your neighbour steal your tomatoes!