Hahahahaha, we’ll never win

Alright friends, it’s the long weekend in South Australia, the ACT and Victoria, with nowhere else special enough to get another public holiday, with the Adelaide Cup lying in wait on Monday, while the little highlight for the Mexicans is the revamped Newmarket Handicap Day at Flemington, which no longer features the Australian Cup after it was moved back a fortnight ahead of this season, a far cry from the days when you’d get the Newmarket on the Saturday, while the Australian Cup was on the long weekend Monday.

Of course, the fun fact about the Newmarket Handicap is that it’s one of only 2 races at Flemington that can hold 24 runners.

The other race?

The Melbourne Cup, of course!

The other big race of the day is the Coolmore Classic at Rosehill, the race that used to be Ron Quinton’s retirement fund, and among the many Group 2 races across the board are the the 2-year-old Sires Produce Stakes at Flemington and the Pago Pago Stakes at Rosehill, with the Golden Slipper just one week away, the Ajax Stakes, named after the legendary horse who was the shortest-priced beaten favourite to lose in Australian racing history (40/1 on in the 1939 Rawson Stakes and he was beaten by Spear Chief), and the Phar Lap Stakes, which remains one of Australian racing’s greatest travesties…

How can Phar Lap, the most famous of all horses to ever race in Australia, ONLY have a Group 2 named in his honour?

Deadset shithouse, he should have a Group 1 at Flemington during the Cup Carnival named after him.

And, other events include the Mingenew Cup, and Ascot, which is in Belmont if you can believe that, plays host to the Bunbury Cup meeting, because they still haven’t finished rebuilding Bunbury Racecourse.

Typical, folks down there are much better at deconstruction than construction.

Another odd fact – today marks exactly 20 years since the great Northerly won his last race, the 2003 Australian Cup, his second win in 3 years in the race, only missing out on a threepeat thanks to Old Comrade beating him the previous year.

Then he went to Sydney, Freemason broke his heart, he injured a tendon a few months later, and that was it for the Fighting Tiger.

So after that history lesson it’s on to Crazy Craig, and you can say same old shit different week for Crazy Craig, because he still can’t land himself a winner…

Just like he can’t land himself a winning scratchie ticket.

But that still won’t stop him from echoing the words of Elvis Presley that he got lucky!

P(r)ick No.1: I Wish I Win (No.3, Barrier 14) in the Newmarket Handicap at Flemington (MR7) 4:20pm AEDT

1200m Group 1 Yulong Stud Newmarket Handicap

Trainer: Peter Moody, Jockey: Luke Nolen, 56.5kg

Hello hello everyone it’s Craaaaaazy Craig TBFB, Scratchie King of Bairnsdale, and I’m still trying to find that illusive winner this year, much like the down on their luck folk of Bairnsdale are trying to find a winning scratchie without my assistance!

Now, there must be kind of scientific theory as to why I couldn’t find a winner even if I had all the results for the next 50 years, when I’ve had periods where I’ve backed winners for days and days!

Maybe it’s just because I throw shit at the wall and hope it sticks, which used to work perfectly until Crazy Colin found out Teflon existed!

Anyway, we’re on to the feature event of the day, the Newmarket Handicap up the Straight Six, and I think I once backed I Wish I Win during the Spring Carnival and played Hot Chocolate as the theme music, which resulted in him doing bugger all in the Toorak Handicap, and just to rub crap in my face he went on to win the Golden Eagle next start….

So, after seeing his Lightning Stakes run, I‘m right back on him, no matter what dodgy barrier he’s got, to the point they may as well tell Luke Nolen to piss off and let me take the reins…

So once again, ladies and gentlemen, here’s Hot Chocolate with Every 1’s A Winner!

P(r)ick No.2: Sheeza Belter (No.10, Barrier 7) E/W in the Coolmore Classic at Rosehill (SR8), 4:40pm AEDT

1600m Group 1 Fillies And Mares

Trainers: Peter & Paul Snowden, Jockey: William Pike, 52.5kg

Well knackers, I think it’d be wrong if I didn’t have a go at a Value Pick this week, and I don’t think the Group 1 winner Sheeza Belter is that stupid a bet in the Coolmore Classic, although then again, I don’t think that much when I do things, so it’s going to go crap like most of my picks do!

In fact, you could describe Sheeza Belter using the sounds of a certain Beatles White Album classic…

HELTER SKELTER!

Oh will you, won’t you want me to make you?
I’m coming down fast, but don’t let me break you
Tell me, tell me, tell me the answer
Well, you may be a lover, but you ain’t no dancer!

Look out!
SHEEZA BELTER
SHEEZA BELTER
SHEEZA BELTER
Ooh
Look out!
‘Cause here she comes

And of course, I didn’t even mention, who’s coming over from the West to partner the filly?

EXACTLY.

The Andy Williams Pick: Magnificent Andy (No.2, Barrier 7) in Race 6 at Ascot (PR7), 4:15pm AWST

1500m 60+ Handicap William Barrett & Sons Vase

Trainer: Stephen Miller, Jockey: Brad Parnham, 59.5kg

On to the horse named after the man who sang Moon River, which led to it winning an Academy Award for Best Original Song, AMAZING ANDY!

In fact, I reckon Andy Williams had another song that would describe my punting performance perfectly… THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM:

It’s almost like he was describing my journey to back a winner!

To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go

To right, the un-rightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star!

I think it should be “To punt where the brave dare not go!”

Enjoy your Saturday folks, stay safe, stay negative, KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, and remember, I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me Craaaaaazy Craig!