Based on a series of plausible events in a regional Victorian town

Well friends, as we celebrate Collingwood becoming the first team to ever lose a wildcard final, this weekend marks the first Group 1 of the Melbourne Spring Carnival, the semi-traditional 1400m WFA Memsie Stakes at Caulfield, and other races of minor importance include the Up And Coming and the San Domenico Stakes at Rosehill, a bunch of other Group 3s at The Heath (McNeil, 1100 Stakes, Cockram), the Kununurra Cup up on the edge of Lake Kununurra, which itself is a man-made freshwater lake built to service the Ord River irrigation scheme in the 1960s, and the time-honoured Cairns Cup…

Of course, where do baked beans go on holiday?

Cairns.

So it’s on to Crazy Craig, and I would note it is the last edition of winter, so to make you feel even colder, here’s Cliff Richard

The Clash of the Artists: Street Artist (No.7, Barrier 13) in Race 6 at Rosehill (SR6), 2:40pm AEST

1100m Campbelltown Catholic Club Handicap

Trainers: Anthony & Sam Freedman, Jockey: Zac Lloyd, 55.5kg

Hello hello friends it’s Crazy Craig TBFB, Scratchie King of Bairnsdale, and what an enthralling contest we have at Rosehill, Race 6, the greatest battle of artists since Da Vinci had a naked wrestling match against Michaelangelo in Florence during the High Renaissance, as STREET ARTIST races against SHE’S AN ARTIST…

Reminds me of the Two Ronnies Mastermind sketch!

“Who is Dean Martin?

“He’s a kind of artist.”

“Yes, what sort of artist?”

“Emmm… PASS!”

“That’s near enough.”

The Dolly Parton Omen Bet: God’s Gate (No.1, Barrier 1) in Race 5 at Belmont (PR5), 3:10pm AWST (5:10)

1300m 57+ Rating Handicap

Trainer: Neville Parnham, Jockey: Steven Parnham, 59kg

Because where’s dear old Dolly right now?

At GOD’S GATE… probably waiting to remind Whitney Houston who originally wrote and performed I Will Always Love You!

Yep, I wonder how many ILL INFORMED folks found out on Wednesday that the song that made The Bodyguard the greatest box office hit of 1992, was nothing more than a wildly successful COVER SONG…

It was no better than bloody Tina Turner taking the thunder of THE BEST from Bonnie Tyler… or Rod Stewart taking It’s A Heartache from Bonnie Tyler, or Bon Jovi getting If You Were a Woman And I Was a Man from Bonnie Tyler and re-recording it as You Give Love a Bad Name!

We’ve got to stop taking songs from Bonnie Tyler, because like Tina Turner and Dolly Parton, she’s also at GOD’S GATE!

The Memsie Stakes Pick: Cosmic Crusader (No.7, Barrier 11)… because he’s got our lord and saviour W.PIKE

Enjoy your Saturday folks, stay safe, stay negative, GAMBLE WITHIN REASON, KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, and remember, I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me Craaaaaazy Craig!