Based on a series of plausible events in a regional Victorian town

And there we were all in one place, a generation getting ready to piss away one of the great days of the Australian turf, the 150th anniversary edition of the Caulfield Cup, the most prestigious and richest 2400m handicap in Australia, in which third and fourth rate expat British and Irish stayers will wipe the floor with the poor locals, as defending Cups double winner Half Yours still hasn’t won a race since last year’s Melbourne Cup, and the other big event is the Group 1 Everest, as the great Ka Ying Rising returns from Hong Kong to defend his Everest crown, but the big question will be the track as Randwick rates a Heavy 8, with KYR having never raced on a rain-affected track, and other than that we get another great race at Randwick named after a mountain, or more accurately a Midnight Oil song…

The Kosciuszko.

What a wonderful egalitarian race it is, and other than that the Group 1 action continues with the Caulfield Thousand Guineas, which moved back to Caulfield Cup day last year for the first time since 1987, and the King Charles III stakes at Randwick, the old George Main Stakes, which has well and truly had its bubble burst with a mere 5 runners after Pride of Jenni was scratched due to infection, then other support races include the Sydney Stakes, the Silver Eagle, the Caulfield Sprint, and several other races I’ve forgotten about…

Other highlights of the weekend around the nation include the last night of the Wentworth Park greyhounds after 94 years on Friday night, the Hill Smith Stakes at Morphetville, which might feature a crow-eating raider that’ll go on to run at big odds in the Victoria Derby or Oaks, and another highlight is the Group 3 Eurythmic Stakes at Ascot, a race named after the horse that won the 1920 Caulfield Cup, and this was the race that used to be the Northerly Stakes between 2005 until 2021, but once the Group 1 Kingston Town Classic was renamed the Northerly Stakes in 2022, RWWA renamed the race after another great WA horse to win the Caulfield Cup, but this gives me the perfect excuse to play Northerly carrying 58kg to win the 2002 Caulfield Cup:

And fun fact, Saturday will mark what would’ve been Northerly’s 30th birthday… he was foaled at Oakland Park on October 17, 1996.

Aaaaand continuing on this weird theme of West Australian horses, it’ll be an ex-West Australian horse in Cosmic Crusader (owned by Bob Peters) who lines up as favourite for the Caulfield Cup, ridden by the Wizard William Pike.

So it’s finally on to Crazy Craig, and funnily enough, you know whose birthday it was on Wednesday?

None other than Mr Lucky Lips himself, Sir Cliff Richard… 86 years old and God still isn’t ready to meet his biggest fan.

The Darren Beadman P(r)ick: Beadman (No.7, Barrier 11) E/W in Race 6 at Randwick (SR6), 3:25pm AEST

1200m WFA Group 2 Sydney Stakes

Trainer: Peter Snowden, Jockey: Zac Purton, 58.5kg

Hello hello folks it’s Craaaaaazy Craig, TBFB, Scratchie King of Bairnsdale, and as I said last year, goodness me knackers what a weekend we have in store, and what a great celebration of racing we have in store, as Randwick sees at least 12 grown men pay several million dollars for the privilege of paying several million dollars in tax, and at Caulfield, very much the same thing, only they’re paying six figures in entry fees to get a golden cup to compensate their donation to the ATO!

You’d expect with the amount of money these blokes are paying in tax on winnings that we’d get something decent back as a general populace… instead we get some useless shit comedies on the ABC on Wednesday nights!

I WANT MORE FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT EPISODES!

Anyway, we’ll start off with Randwick and the race BEFORE the Everest, the Sydney Stakes for the horses not quite good enough to get into the Everest, and I would say the ‘Shydney Shtakes’ would be one of Kenny Callander’s least favourite races… the tongue will be bleeding profusely!

And the value selection of the day will be Peter Snowden’s Beadman, who was outclassed in the Manikato at Caulfield but now gets a rain affected track and a drop in grade, and I would say a name like Beadman would have some connection to the Hall of Famer Darren Beadman, and of course in 1997 Darren Beadman, while being one of the most successful riders in Australia, decided to retire from race riding to pursue a career as a minister after God spoke to him in a dream, and when someone told Bart Cummings the Cups King delivered yet another great line…

“He should get a second opinion.”

Eventually Darren did get that second opinion, a mere 4 years later.

Interesting fact – On this the day of the Caulfield Cup, it was the only one of the four major races that Beadman failed to win… the same could be said of his great contemporary Shane Dye, and at this stage James McDonald is in the same boat.

P(r)ick No.2: Oak Hill (No.4, Barrier 9) E/W in Race 6 at Caulfield (MR6), 3:10pm AEDT

1000m Group 2 Handicap Henley Homes Sprint (Caulfield Sprint)

Trainers: Ben, Will & JD Hayes, Jockey: Damian Lane, 57kg

On to Caulfield for the old Group 2 sprint, and because I didn’t want to go around backing favourites all day, I went against Cavalry Girl and instead went for king of the Oak Hill to charge over the top… as Hank Hill would say, BWAH!

Crazy Crappy Group 1 Picks… have any of these actually won?

The Everest (SR7): Ka Ying Rising (No.1, Barrier 11), although to quote David Hayes if it’s a Heavy 8 I’ll be shitting myself.

Caulfield Thousand Guineas (MR7): De Armas (No.4, Barrier 7) E/W

Caulfield Cup: Zahrann (No.16, Barrier 4) E/W

King Charles III Stakes (SR9): Autumn Glow but to be quite honest don’t bother betting on this one… in fact knackers, don’t bother betting full stop

Enjoy your SATURDAY folks, stay safe, stay negative, KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, and remember, I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me Craaaaaazy Craig!