Horse Racing

The Chalk Eaters Guide: 2nd May

Right now this is more socially acceptable than protesting

SPECIAL GUEST PUNTER: Ben Melham

Yep, another wild week in abridged racing, which saw Tuscan Queen injured to the brink of reitrement, The Harrovian win with a lazy 67kg at Cairns (Fancy that, I could’ve made the weight), and Ben Melham plant himself in a little bit of shit thanks to 7 betting-related charges from Victorian Stewards, including ALLEGEDLY giving false evidence to stewards, but if you ask me, this is the most heinous.

WHAT KIND OF A FLOG ALLEGEDLY PUTS ON A TWO-LEG MULTI.

IT’S THREE LEGS AT THE BARE MINIMUM, OR IT’S UN-AUSTRALIAN.

Another one of the 7 charges aimed at Melham was for facilitating bets on Orleans Rock when he rode it victory at Geelong last September – In a funny twist, Benny rode him again at Sandown on Wednesday, apparently backed him into favouritism, and won accordingly.

I imagine the winnings will be spent on legal fees.

As the rain pissed down on the East Coast, the Wagga Wagga Carnival somehow managed to stay afloat, while further south, most Victorian racetracks are supposedly underwater, with Wangaratta and Geelong being called off, and the Cranbourne night meeting was moved to Pakenham.

Geez, moving from Cranbourne to Pakenham – It’s akin to being tortured by listening to Hanson and the Spice Girls on a loop.

Anyway, the peak of the Adelaide Autumn kicks off tomorrow with the Group 1 Oaks + Bob Sangster for the fillies and mares, but I personally couldn’t give a rat’s tossbag, because we’re only a few days away from the best abbreviated regional carnival in Australia.

WARRNAMBOOL.

For obvious reasons, the ‘Bool Council didn’t want a Carnival this year, but Racing Victoria somehow showed they could still go ahead crowdless, and now we’ve got a 2 day Carnival – Jumps on Tuesday, and then the feature flat races on Wednesday.

And in irrelevant news, RWWA moved the Northam Stakes meeting to Ascot, because nobody in Perth can travel into the Avon Valley under the current restrictions.


Roccabascerana (No.4, Barrier 2) in the Euclase Stakes at Morphetville, 2:46pm ACST (3:16)

1200m Group 2 3YO Set Weights

Trainer: Will Clarken, Hoop: Todd Pannell, 57.5kg

If you think I’m taking a look at a Group 1 by default, then you’ve come to the wrong Chalk Eating Guide.

I’ve got no idea (Nothing new on that front) why I’ve gone with the rank outsider in a three-horse race against Garner (AKA Big Bird) and the unpronounceable Xilong, but wet track form is the way to go tomorrow, especially in Adelaide,

Anyway, what a name: Roccabascerana, apparently named after an Italian town, which through the centuries has been passed between Provinces like a dirty needle through St Kilda.

It’s like a mix of Rock The Casbah, Anthony Rocca and Bananarama .

The Shareef don’t like it

Roccabascerana, Roccabascerana

The Shareef don’t like it

Roccabascerana, Roccabascerana


Bandersnatch (No.12, Barrier 9) in Race 8 at Randwick (Kenso), 4:05pm AEST

1400m BM88 TAB Handicap

Trainer: Gerry Ryan, Hoop: Brenton Avdulla, 55kg

Bandersnatch was all set to jump the favourite in last week’s ‘Hawkesbury’ Guineas, but the vet noticed a small cut on his off-hind leg, and he was scratched behind the barriers.

“Your foreleg’s missing!”
“No it isn’t.”

On the bright side, that was one of the few races at Rosehill that punters actually collected on.

If that scratch had happened to a human, we’d laugh at them for being a softcock, but, animal welfare exists so molehills don’t turn into mountains.

The fact that Bandersnatch is back a week later would suggest he suffered no ill effects from that cut, although instead of running in the bone dry at Rosehill, he gets the soft going on Randwick’s Red-headed Steptrack thanks to Thursday’s big dump of rain.

Typical – Even the New South Wales rain is only rostered on for one day a week.

Still, in a reasonably short career of 4 wins from 8 starts, Bandersnatch has had reasonable success on wet tracks before (A win on both soft & heavy), and on paper, this should be a good race – Bandersnatch ready to launch first-up like the typical Gerald Ryan horse, and Phaistos dropping from a BM100 to a BM88, running for the first time since Ranier mugged him on the line at Randwick a fortnight ago.

If I could put that race into another ill-fitting metaphor, imagine Phaistos as that bloke from Temple Of Doom who had his heart ripped out by Mola Ram before he was dropped into the fiery pit of burning quaddie tickets.

I expect to see something similar tomorrow.


Buffalo River (No.13, Barrier 1) in Race 9 at Sandown (Lakeside), 4:55pm AEST

1400m Handicap

Trainer: Michael Moroney, Hoop: D.Oliver, 56kg

With a name like Buffalo, I’ve got the option of playing Buffalo Solider, or Buffalo Springfield’s only hit before Stephen Stills and Neil Young buggered off to form CSNY.

Stuff it, here’s Buffalo Ssssss-pringfield.

It’s fitting that a horse named River motors around tomorrow, considering Sandown resembled the Yarra on Wednesday afternoon.

It reached the point that a waterfall formed down Corrigan Dip during the last – No need for whips, just let the stream take you down.

Moving on, the American import Buffalo River appears to have split opinions – Some will happily back him, considering he’ll be able to lead with a clean jump from Barrier 1, his Heavy form, he drops 4kg on the last start ball-clamping he dished out at Caulfield, and the fact that Oliver is 2/2 on him.

The knocks – The rails aren’t a life presever on a day like tomorrow, plus, the typical ‘It’s a better field’ line, which mainly comes in the form of his main challenger – Harbour Views for Matty ‘Beetroot’ Williams of Warrnambool, who was 5/5 in his career until Oaks Day last year, when John Allen caused mass outbreaks of vomiting in the Country Championships Final, where you could mount a very strong case that he would’ve won with a clean steer.

Still, I’m hopeful with that big engine nestled in between his ribs, that Buffalo River can keep measuring up.

Because if not, I’ll get mildly angry, and then write a mildly angry review about his performance.


Laverrod (No.6, Barrier 5) in Race 10 at Ascot, 4:45pm AWST (6:45)

1200m 78+ Rating Handicap

Trainer: Sean & Jake Casey, Hoop: Pat Carberry, 57.5kg

Oh bloody hell, Rocket Rod is back again – Let’s see if I can horribly misjudge him again.

On another note, I completely forgot to bring this up, because I was randomly intrigued- The Casey boys have had a recent spate of horses named after Australian sporting greats.

Obviously Laverrrod is going alright, but last week they successfully debuted Charleton Eddie, an illiterate tribute to Steady Eddie Charlton.

I was thinking, what other names could they conjure up – Emerson Roy, Opperman Hubie, Barassi Ron?

Anyway, the last at ‘Northam’ has really been ruined by the scratching of Massimo, who would’ve carried the considerable support of the Pike In The Last backers in a fiery battle against Laverrod, which would’ve been a rematch of their gripping fight in the Placid Ark this past November, which went the way of Massimo in the Northerly silks.

Instead, we’ve been left with the Rockhampton Rocket to serve & volley on his own little even money island against Pym’s Royale and Carocapo, leaving him free to try and repeat what he did last week – Jump well, sit off them, and get going in the straight.

Now that I’ve jumped on him again, just watch him get rolled.

I can feel it in my loins.


Crazy Craig’s Tip Of The Day

Another historical choice for Craig – 50 years since the Kent State Shootings

LAYING Sunlight (No.1, Barrier 15) in the Robert Sangster Stakes at Morphetville, 4:06pm ACST

1200m WFA Group 1 (F&M)

Trainer(s): Tony & Calvin McEvoy, Jockey: Barend Vorster, 56.5kg

Hello once again fellow JobKeepers, it’s Crazy Craig, The Boy From Bairnsdale, and it appears the Group 1 action is heading over to Australia’s homicide capital of ADELAIDE!

Like the well-informed fruit that I am, I had a look at the news, and apparently South Australia has now gone 9 DAYS with a case!

It goes to show – Even COVID-19 doesn’t want to go near the Croweaters!

Moving on with that piece of positive news, it’s time to look at the big one of the day, the ol’ Bob Sangster Stakes, and the first thing that I see is that Sunlight is the clear market pick, which makes sense given her record, while old mate AWAY GAME gives us a rare case of a 2-year-old in an Open-Age Group 1, and thus, she gets the featherweight of 47kg!

Bloody oath knackers, I can’t imagine eating wildflowers and muddy water for 2 weeks just to make the weight!

The lowest I’ve gone is Witchetty grubs!

Further to it, no 2-year-old has ever won an Open-Aged Group 1 since they were introduced in 1979 – The last was Wiggle in the 1958 Stradbroke when it was a Principal race, and no 2-year-old has beaten the older horses in a Group race since Commands won the 1999 Missile Stakes on a protest!

That’s some CRAZY history!

But, enough about Away Game, because you know what she doesn’t have?

Barrier 15, which is what Sunlight has!

I have a feeling that when you combine that horror draw with the Soft track, she’s in a more crap than a European tourist swimming in Kakadu!

FEEL FREE TO PROVE OLD MATE CRAZY CRAIG WRONG, BECAUSE BRING IT ON BABY.

Sunlight – MY LAY. OF. THE. DAY.

I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me CRAAAAZY CRAIG!


IF THESE TIPS DON’T ALL FAIL HORRIBLY, I’LL DRINK A STUBBY.

YEAH.

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